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Old 08-21-2011, 11:29 PM
 
18,852 posts, read 31,698,893 times
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Update: I did have contact with some relatives on my Father's side, and it was very odd. And actually made me feel very badly about myself. I have been going along, my life is fine...but just randomly had contact with these people...and my Father has all these other children, who he did have contact with, he had minimal contact with me, and his children all had relationships with his parents...it really made me feel like I was just a "throw away" child..a complete mistake. I really did not need this blow to my life...to see that these kids grew up with an identity, and a family, and I grew up with nothing. And they don't care about me at all. Just my perspective...should have left it all alone.
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Old 08-22-2011, 11:42 AM
 
Location: England
50 posts, read 108,006 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
Update: I did have contact with some relatives on my Father's side, and it was very odd. And actually made me feel very badly about myself. I have been going along, my life is fine...but just randomly had contact with these people...and my Father has all these other children, who he did have contact with, he had minimal contact with me, and his children all had relationships with his parents...it really made me feel like I was just a "throw away" child..a complete mistake. I really did not need this blow to my life...to see that these kids grew up with an identity, and a family, and I grew up with nothing. And they don't care about me at all. Just my perspective...should have left it all alone.
So sorry you feel so let down. Did you not think of this reaction before you began your search ? Very hard for you to bear I'm sure. You were not a mistake, never think of yourself as a "mistake ". Hold your head up high. I wish you the best.
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Old 08-22-2011, 11:49 AM
 
46 posts, read 63,362 times
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People need to realize that parents shape the lives of their children in so many ways. A father may not have contact with all of his children if from multiple women. It does not always mean he doesn't love or care for them. It could be the mother or her family that divides them. Everyone has a personal choice to search out extended family/relatives if they want. Just because some have a negative attitude or a fear of discovering things they didn't want to know, does not mean they should tell others don't bother. This could also go the other way, being a mother instead of a father who was on the outs with relatives.
An example is all the families while growing up that ignored cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. and children didn't understand why or just went with the flow and thought they should stay away too. Families just don't all have family reunions including all relatives. You all need to make your own choice to contact family if you feel that need, ignore those living or dead who had problems with them.
I had a large family on my mother's side, a very small one on my dad's. My mom didn't like his side and made negative comments over the years about them. Also against anyone who married into the family. Many are gone on her side including my parents. On my dad's side I don't have contact with the 5 or so members left and can't find them. I always loved all my family even though there was negativity that I did not feel. Life is short and troublesome enough to dislike or hate others and not even know why. I'm doing the research now on getting what info I can before I post for help to see how much more I can find. This is a great site and I hope it helps many to find answers or peace in their lives. Duine
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Old 08-22-2011, 12:21 PM
 
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I actually do have half-siblings, one on my mom's side whom I obviously always knew about haha, and three that I know of on my dad's side, whom I'd find out about after certain amounts of time (I wasn't real close to my dad). I don't talk to any of them presently since we just never kept in touch except through our dad. I wish I knew them better and I would want to know if I had more.
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Old 09-04-2011, 09:02 AM
 
Location: NYC
1,723 posts, read 3,370,940 times
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Duine, try Facebook. Even if the older relatives aren't on it I bet their kids are. Once you find a possible match, check their friends list and see if you recognize any of those names.
I recently found a long lost cousin on FB. She was divorced, never had kids and most of our family had died off, so she was thrilled to find out that she had family.

Jasper. I'm sorry you went through that.

Years ago my sister was contacted by the girl she had given up for adoption before my other niece was born. It happened when I was young but I honestly have no recall of my sister being pregnant or being 'sent away'. I must have just blocked that entire year out of my mind.

Anyway, when my niece found out she wasn't the only daughter she didn't handle it very well. She was so upset that she wasn't the 'oldest' anymore, she felt lied to, and she felt that the new daughter would take her place. She was also very upset with me because I didnt tell her, but I honestly didn't remember. I tried to explain that to her, but she didn't believe me and she hasn't talked me to since. That was almost 20 years ago. It's the secrets that screw up family relations.
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Old 09-04-2011, 09:27 AM
 
Location: Florida
2,291 posts, read 4,943,964 times
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I have one sibling, my half brother, we are very close, always have been. He has three other half brothers that he is not really in contact with, and, he feels no closeness to them.

For my part, I would at least like to know if I had any other sibling out there. What I would do with that information might be another story, as of right now, I have no clue.

As for your question, me, I'd probably let sleeping dogs lie.
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Old 09-05-2011, 02:35 PM
 
139 posts, read 524,189 times
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My mom found out her sister was really her HALF sister and they have different dads. Her uncle, my grandma's brother, spilled the beans when he got drunk one day. He blabbed. It threw my mother and her half sister into a tizzy. It made them question the relationship between the two of them and with their mother. They questioned everything. It strained the relationship between my mom and her half sister because their relationship was redefined by the news they were only half sisters and not full sisters. My grandma refused to say who the father was on my mom's half sister. She took the secret to the grave with her. It is possible it was a rape situation and that is why she did not say. She was being molested by her step-father so my grandma had weak boundaries.

My grandma had an affair in between husbands when my mom and her half sister were little girls. Grandma took off for another state, had the baby, gave it up for adoption and never spoke of it again. My mom and her half sister found out they had a sibling because grandma's brother could not keep his mouth shut while drunk. Yep, he spilled the beans on that one too. This sent my mom and her half sister reeling. It was too much for them bear. My mom decided she wanted to find her sibling, but there was nothing to go on. No year, no state, no hospital name and not even the gender of the child. It was impossible to find them. They have no idea if they have a half sister or half brother. It bothered my mom for many years that she could not find her sibling, but her half sister didn't care. They had opposite reactions. My mom talked to a private detective and they told her, there is nothing to go on. It is impossible. My mom doesn't talk about it anymore, but I know she yearns to find her sister or brother. It is very sad.

My grandma hid a lot of things out of shame. I found her first husband she denied marrying, but now I can not find her divorce from him. I am working on the family genealogy and she buried things well it is difficult to follow her trail. I did my own search for the missing child and came up cold. I am a genealogist and even I can not find the records on the missing half sibling. If a private detective and a genealogist can not find them...no one can. It is impossible.

If you tell your cousins they have half siblings and they can not find them they will feel like...what was the point of telling us? So.....we know? So what? We can't do anything with the information. They will then resent you. It is a dangerous path. You could get fried for divulging information they did not want to know or information that frustrated and upset them. They will blame you for their frustration, anger, confusion, etc. Are you willing to run that risk? Are you willing to run the risk that they may never speak to you again? Have you thought about that? They might just kill the messenger. Are you OK with them severing your relationship? They might want to know, they might be happy to know, but what if they aren't?

What if they already know, but never told you? Is there a way to feel them out to see if they already know? They could have heard the gossip mill by now and be aware of the situation. They might have found paperwork in their mother's things revealing the full story. They will not tell you this.

I don't know the right answer because I do not know them. All I can do is raise questions for you to consider.
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Old 09-09-2011, 07:43 AM
 
4 posts, read 11,077 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
Interesting how people think about this. I have no desire at all to meet my half siblings. They mean nothing to me, and are not "family", it is like my "Father" was a sperm donor, and had all these random kids with different women, then he moved on and left them. What would be the purpose of our meeting? To discuss our loser Father? What other reason is there to even meet these people?
I have half siblings who are African American, and also Vietmese American. It is like some strange tv talk show, "Meet Siblings You Never Knew"...why? What is the point?

Hmmm, Jasper 12. I can't (or won't) try to tell you how to feel, but I can tell you about my experience. I grew up knowing I had an older half sister. My brother and I dreamed and talked about finding her one day. A little over 3 years ago, when I was almost 30 and my brother and sister were in their young 30's, we finally connected with her and met her shortly after that. She never knew about us growing up. She was raised as an only child by her Amazing Mother. She got a call that her sister was looking for her, and she accepted not only me, but our brother, and our entire crazy families. She has been the biggest blessing in my life. I thought I would never be an Aunt, and now I have a gorgeous niece. We live about 1500 miles apart, but talk and travel back and forth as often as possible. One day we plan to live on a beach somewhere and do what sisters do when they're old ladies. We do not have any love for our dad. He left all of us, and 1 or more other siblings somewhere along the way. But that doesn't mean we can't be a family in spite of his mistakes. I adore my Sister and would do anything for her. I would never go back and un-meet her if I could. And if one day I find my other siblings out there, I will meet them as well, if they want, and go in with an open mind and open heart. Just because our father isn't a good man doesn't mean we were born evil, he didn't raise us anyway.
Maybe someday you will feel differently. How old are you? Everyone has to find their own way, and IMO, it's the not knowing that is too much to bear, I just want to know my siblings are taken care of.
It's rough growing up feeling like you don't belong in your family, and something's missing. I hate to think of a little brother or sister out there feeling that way.
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Old 09-10-2011, 05:50 AM
 
46 posts, read 63,362 times
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Lauriedeee, thank you so much for your suggestion. I did look on FB for a cousin, not knowing what her married name might be and found her. I was sure it was her by matching up the friend list and finding her brother also listed along with his 3 children. I left a message and now waiting for a return. 8)
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Old 09-10-2011, 10:09 AM
 
Location: NYC
1,723 posts, read 3,370,940 times
Reputation: 2884
You're welcome Duine! I hope everything works out well for you. Were you able to read her 'wall' and see if she posts on FB regularly? The reason I ask is, I have FB but I rarely check it.. so don't be disappointed if she doesn't get back to you right away. Let me/us know what happens please.
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