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Old 03-07-2011, 02:12 PM
Location: NYC
1,723 posts, read 3,373,954 times
Reputation: 2884


I have a dilemma that I hope you guys will weigh in on. I've known for about 30yrs that my aunt gave up a set of twins, and another child before she married my uncle and had more children.
My aunt and uncle are both deceased now and their kids, the cousins I grew up with are in the late 50s to late 60's.

I've often wondered if the children that were adopted out are looking for information on their birth parents but I"m afraid to actively look for them myself because those adoptions were such a big family secret back then and I don't want to open up any old wounds if there were any. Do you know what i mean?

Her other children from being married to my uncle are still living and I don't know if they know they have half siblings out there. I'm not sure whether to tell them or not.

I guess my question is would you want to know if you had siblings that you didn't know you had?

Opinions please.. and thank you.
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Old 03-07-2011, 03:47 PM
Location: NW AR
175 posts, read 329,082 times
Reputation: 242
My Dad was married so many times I lost count. He and my mother had 4 kids together.
He had 8 kids with his first wife(Ya he's a real winner)that he just walked out on and there was another someplace in between.One of my aunts has kept track over the years with the first 8 and they really don't want anything to do with any of us last four.One did call me one time wanting to know how he could get in touch with our dad and I gave him the # and told him my opinion was if he's made it this far in life with out him he's probably better off not going there now.
Really after 20 30 years is it really going to acomplish any thing positive?
Maybe maybe not.
Its not like they have some childhood mememories of growing up knowing them, or feeling something is missing.
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Old 03-07-2011, 08:23 PM
1,830 posts, read 4,769,631 times
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In the scenerio you described, I think I'd mind my own business. Telling the cousins after all these years could harm the memory of their mother, who isn't around to defend her choice and answer their questions. I'd respect their mother's decision to keep it quiet.
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Old 03-07-2011, 08:45 PM
Location: NYC
1,723 posts, read 3,373,954 times
Reputation: 2884
Thats an interesting point hcg.. I didn't think of that. I don't know who's decision it was to keep quiet about this though.
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Old 03-07-2011, 11:39 PM
18,852 posts, read 31,717,452 times
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I do have half siblings, several I have not met, and I have their contact information. I debated calling them, but have decided not to, I just feel like at age 50 I don't need a "new" family, I am not interested. In your case MYOB is best. You would be opening up a bunch of stuff probably no one wants to deal with.
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Old 03-08-2011, 08:48 PM
Location: Native Floridian, USA
4,904 posts, read 6,118,463 times
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Very interesting comments and I am glad I read them all. I believe, as someone said, this should have been done while the mother was alive, it that had been her wishes.
I don't have any unknown sibs that I know of but, for myself, I would want to know them, I think. But, I appreciate another viewpoint. Good thread.
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Old 03-08-2011, 09:02 PM
Location: Columbia, California
6,662 posts, read 26,302,737 times
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My dad was a w****, he slept around (the word edited was not that bad). He has never had a loyal day in his life. I am aware of a sibling in San Diego born around my birth in the 50's and a sibling born in 1974 or so. My dad said he is sure there are others around. They are better off not knowing him.
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Old 03-09-2011, 02:06 AM
Location: Colorado
554 posts, read 1,352,203 times
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This is an excellent topic and I'm glad there's a thread to discuss it. IMO, I would want to know if I had any siblings out in the world. In fact, I'm pretty sure I do have one somewhere in Florida. But it was so hush-hush, I never knew anything about it until after my biological Dad died. We were never close, so I'm not sure if he would've told me anything anyway.

It's funny though, that I do know for a fact that his brother got several girls pregnant while he was in the military. I have a first cousin in Japan and one in Ireland. They were never a part of our family, but they share our last names and they're on different continents! I'd love to meet them some day, but that would never happen. I'm sure they don't even know about each other, let alone their cousins, aunts, uncles and other half siblings.

So I'm split on this one. I personally would bring it up to the cousins and see what they thought about it. Then just leave it up to them to take the next step from there. I know I feel lied to about my own situation. I think people around me know what happened but they will take it to their graves before they tell me anything and that's a bunch of hogwash.
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Old 04-23-2011, 10:29 PM
46 posts, read 63,397 times
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The parents in these situations may not have wanted to bring up past history that may embarrass themselves. The children of these people have a right to know of each other. It will either be a good thing or the worst that can happen is some wont want to meet or have contact. As people get older their family ties mean more to them, maybe a yearning for some good to unite them in family or just friendship. I would think letting those who dont know about extended family should be told and go from there. I have seen many happy stories of siblings who found each other never knowing they existed over the years. Good luck on your decision whatever it may be.
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Old 04-24-2011, 02:13 AM
24,503 posts, read 35,438,987 times
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I'll tell you my scenario. It's a little odd... but I've thought about the very same thing.

My uncle has a son from a previous marriage. My uncle wanted to be a part of this son's life, but the first wife didn't want it and just got up and left. After many attempts, my uncle just thought it would be best for his first son if he didn't have to deal with any tension.

So he got remarried and had two kids (son and daughter) and has a regular family. The second wife knows about the first son, but neither of their children do. Recently, my older sister reconnected with the first son (they were about the same age and were best friends as kids before the divorce). Nothing has come of it (yet) atleast.

It will be interesting to see how things will pan out going forward. I have no plans to get involved at this time.
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