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Old 05-30-2013, 07:46 AM
 
Location: Chicago
149 posts, read 218,221 times
Reputation: 164

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselvr View Post
Go back to the 1st post you made. You are looking for siblings.
You found your sister. Stop. Digest. Take it slow. Nicely make it clear to your sister you want to get to know her & your (deceased) mother. Everything you've said about AF & grand parents; tell her. You don't have to elaborate on the other stuff right now. None of that was your "fault"
Even though the rest came out; you do not have to act on it.
Your bio-father being alive as well as a paternal grandfather is too much right now.
You also can't handle thinking about your brother. Don't.
Refocus on 2 people; you & your sister.

Your right, I think today I will at least text message her and maybe talk to her yesterday nothing was said she didn't contact me nor did I contact her. I really think I needed that. I still am processing all that new information and may need more time before I am ready for any more. It is a rough spot, I am going back to the doctors for the third time tomorrow so we will see.
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Old 05-30-2013, 10:08 AM
 
Location: Chicago
149 posts, read 218,221 times
Reputation: 164
well now I am pissed,

The reason I am pissed is the cradle sent me a list of on line suport groups and is trying to push me into doing there counseling session which is $125 an hour, and I just can not afford that first an hour is not going to cut it for me I am looking at least 100 hours if not more which will bring me well over $10,000. Why can't there just be a suport group for us adoptee's that are having emotional problems with dealing with everyone. I am also extremely mad at my adopted father for destroying all of my self esteem and self worth, I will never be able to get that back and it really pisses me off.
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Old 05-30-2013, 01:01 PM
 
Location: NJ
10,669 posts, read 21,340,667 times
Reputation: 8818
Quote:
Originally Posted by FlyBoyDC10AA View Post
Your right, I think today I will at least text message her and maybe talk to her yesterday nothing was said she didn't contact me nor did I contact her. I really think I needed that. I still am processing all that new information and may need more time before I am ready for any more. It is a rough spot, I am going back to the doctors for the third time tomorrow so we will see.
Just keep it slow; I'm sure she'll understand.
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Old 05-30-2013, 01:05 PM
 
Location: NJ
10,669 posts, read 21,340,667 times
Reputation: 8818
Quote:
Originally Posted by FlyBoyDC10AA View Post
well now I am pissed,

The reason I am pissed is the cradle sent me a list of on line suport groups and is trying to push me into doing there counseling session which is $125 an hour, and I just can not afford that first an hour is not going to cut it for me I am looking at least 100 hours if not more which will bring me well over $10,000. Why can't there just be a suport group for us adoptee's that are having emotional problems with dealing with everyone. I am also extremely mad at my adopted father for destroying all of my self esteem and self worth, I will never be able to get that back and it really pisses me off.
We can talk about that. I've had issues too.

At some point; you have to look at your own life through your eyes. Forget what happened back then & focus on the person you are now. The good things.

There could be a support group. We'll look.
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Old 05-30-2013, 06:10 PM
 
1,879 posts, read 1,861,777 times
Reputation: 1462
I don't know if this list will help but many of the links/phone numbers do seem to be specifically for adoptees/bmothers.

Illinois Support Groups For Adoptees Birthparents - Illinois

I note that when one googles "adoptee support", one often gets links for "adoption support" and it can be hard trying to find ones specifically for adoptees.

I am very fortunate here in NSW, Australia, that the Benevolent Society recognised a need for support for adoptees when records were opened here back in the late 80s, eg adoptees and others can ring up to just speak to people who will just listen without judgment. I hope that that you find something similar in Chicago.
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Old 05-30-2013, 06:31 PM
 
Location: Chicago
149 posts, read 218,221 times
Reputation: 164
Quote:
Originally Posted by susankate View Post
I don't know if this list will help but many of the links/phone numbers do seem to be specifically for adoptees/bmothers.

Illinois Support Groups For Adoptees Birthparents - Illinois

I note that when one googles "adoptee support", one often gets links for "adoption support" and it can be hard trying to find ones specifically for adoptees.

I am very fortunate here in NSW, Australia, that the Benevolent Society recognised a need for support for adoptees when records were opened here back in the late 80s, eg adoptees and others can ring up to just speak to people who will just listen without judgment. I hope that that you find something similar in Chicago.
Those are a lot of the ones the cradle sent me and more then half are no longer in service even the cradle said they use to have a support group but quit doing it when no one was coming. I do have to say though I am doing much better, my doctor validated me in a way that I needed and he is right at least I am doing this on my own and owning up to when I am having a problem so I am just going to go a little slower and take it from there
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Old 05-30-2013, 06:58 PM
 
Location: Chicago
149 posts, read 218,221 times
Reputation: 164
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselvr View Post
Just keep it slow; I'm sure she'll understand.
I plan on it, and my doctor said the best thing is to have home court advantage when we meet.
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Old 05-30-2013, 07:26 PM
 
Location: Chicago
149 posts, read 218,221 times
Reputation: 164
Well my doctor put me on a new drug today, as he put it very nicely life is like a very long road and I just hit a pothole instead of going around it I went through it but I am doing alright now and have left my sister a message to talk to her tomorrow, I still need to go at my own pace and not hers and I will make it clear to her that I am not able to process everything as fast as she wants me to. But I am going to go forward with the knowledge that I now have
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Old 05-31-2013, 10:10 AM
 
1,014 posts, read 986,569 times
Reputation: 834
Quote:
Originally Posted by FlyBoyDC10AA View Post
I still need to go at my own pace and not hers and I will make it clear to her that I am not able to process everything as fast as she wants me to. But I am going to go forward with the knowledge that I now have
It's very important that you know your boundaries & make them known to your family. It's even more important that if they don't understand them, you still keep them for your sake & theirs. I was adopted as an infant & when I reunited with my father's side of the family I wanted to meet one person at a time (something they found hard to understand).

Honestly, I wanted to get to know them one-on-one, or at least in small groups. I didn't want to feel like the monkey at the zoo.

They wanted to get to know me ASAP, wanted to make up for lost time, invite me to huge family reunions, & more.

I appreciated this, but I knew it was way too overwhelming for me.

I was always honest about the space that I needed -- I knew they meant well. One thing they did not understand is that it is a thousand times more overwhelming to meet estranged family members when you grew up not knowing one person who was related to you or believing you probably never would.

When that is your reality, just seeing a photograph of someone who is related to you can be triggering. Let alone hearing their voice, meeting them, getting to know them, etc.

Essentially you have to process everything they have to process (which can be overwhelming enough on its own) plus so much more.

It is healthy to take your time with these relationships. Although it feels like a new one, it can come with much baggage that might take time to decipher. It's unreasonable to expect an automatic bond from anyone you haven't had much experience with.

If they don't understand this, it's still imperative that you keep your boundaries. It sounds like you're doing good.

Just focus on yourself & your needs. Hopefully with time it will get easier. My sister & I are incredibly close now, but we have spent a lot of time getting to know each other both in person & on the phone.

I did challenge myself to take emotional risks to get to know people, but at the same time I made sure I ALWAYS had a back-up plan & was independent. If you meet them in person make sure you have your own car, hotel room, etc. Make sure you plan some time to spend with yourself to decompress. If something feels forced or wrong at any moment, speak up & say you need some space. That should make you feel much more safe/comfortable.

Last edited by thethreefoldme; 05-31-2013 at 10:45 AM..
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Old 05-31-2013, 10:37 AM
 
1,014 posts, read 986,569 times
Reputation: 834
I just wanted to reiterate here that you are not alone! When I found out I had siblings, it took me months just to digest that information alone. Then I reached out with email (but was not sure I would ever meet anyone).

My sister had searched for me her entire life & my father wanted to meet me if I wanted to meet him.

I got to know my sister first as I think that was less threatening (I grew up completely uninterested in ever reaching out to the parents who gave me life). The more I got to know my sister, the more I realized a part of me DID want to know my father & that I was suppressing that curiosity to protect myself.

Eventually I decided the risk of a second rejection as an adult was worth taking. I can't say for sure you will feel the same, but what I can say is that I spent most my life feeling 99.9% certain I would never want to reunite with my natural parents.

Three years later I felt very differently. Although reunion has been super difficult, overwhelming, & there have been both downs & ups, I don't regret it for a second.

Last edited by thethreefoldme; 05-31-2013 at 10:50 AM..
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