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Old 05-31-2013, 12:38 PM
 
Location: Chicago
149 posts, read 218,448 times
Reputation: 164

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Well I did text and left her a voice mail yesterday telling her we could talk again today, I will see. I am still going to go slow and get to know her. Right now I am not at all ready for other family members, So I am going to focus just on her and go slowly till I am comfortable before I move on to the next level.
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Old 05-31-2013, 12:46 PM
 
Location: Chicago
149 posts, read 218,448 times
Reputation: 164
Quote:
Originally Posted by thethreefoldme View Post
It's very important that you know your boundaries & make them known to your family. It's even more important that if they don't understand them, you still keep them for your sake & theirs. I was adopted as an infant & when I reunited with my father's side of the family I wanted to meet one person at a time (something they found hard to understand).

Honestly, I wanted to get to know them one-on-one, or at least in small groups. I didn't want to feel like the monkey at the zoo.

They wanted to get to know me ASAP, wanted to make up for lost time, invite me to huge family reunions, & more.

I appreciated this, but I knew it was way too overwhelming for me.

I was always honest about the space that I needed -- I knew they meant well. One thing they did not understand is that it is a thousand times more overwhelming to meet estranged family members when you grew up not knowing one person who was related to you or believing you probably never would.

When that is your reality, just seeing a photograph of someone who is related to you can be triggering. Let alone hearing their voice, meeting them, getting to know them, etc.

Essentially you have to process everything they have to process (which can be overwhelming enough on its own) plus so much more.

It is healthy to take your time with these relationships. Although it feels like a new one, it can come with much baggage that might take time to decipher. It's unreasonable to expect an automatic bond from anyone you haven't had much experience with.

If they don't understand this, it's still imperative that you keep your boundaries. It sounds like you're doing good.

Just focus on yourself & your needs. Hopefully with time it will get easier. My sister & I are incredibly close now, but we have spent a lot of time getting to know each other both in person & on the phone.

I did challenge myself to take emotional risks to get to know people, but at the same time I made sure I ALWAYS had a back-up plan & was independent. If you meet them in person make sure you have your own car, hotel room, etc. Make sure you plan some time to spend with yourself to decompress. If something feels forced or wrong at any moment, speak up & say you need some space. That should make you feel much more safe/comfortable.

Yeah I am doing that, my doctor reminded me that even though I am at the cliff's edge I know how to move myself slowly back to keep from going over the side. And I think my sister has this knowledge of this that I am moving too fast. So we will see. I like you too don't want to meet the entire family all at once but one on one and since I know my Brother has far more baggage then my sister has I am going to start with her and move from there forward. I am not going to push it though I am going to go at my own pace.
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Old 05-31-2013, 06:07 PM
 
Location: Chicago
149 posts, read 218,448 times
Reputation: 164
well I guess I am not speaking to my sister right now, She hasn't called and I know she goes to work soon. Maybe I just need to let things lay and leave it alone. I was find with my life with out any siblings in it and I am happy knowing I have them. Maybe I will just email her.
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Old 06-01-2013, 11:45 AM
 
Location: Chicago
149 posts, read 218,448 times
Reputation: 164
Well since we now haven't talked in 6 days, I am sort of at a loss. She has the ball and apparently is giving me a lot of space which is fine. I am not sure wether or not to just move on with my life and let things stay as they are or if I should just wait this out and see how it plays out. (I am not asking for advice)
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Old 06-01-2013, 12:17 PM
 
Location: Chicago
149 posts, read 218,448 times
Reputation: 164
In not talking to my sister this whole week, I discovered something and that is how lonely I really am. Even though I am married and do have someone in the house he and I very rarely speak more then a few sentences a day. Most of my time is spent upstairs in our master bedroom with me just watching TV and knitting. I rarely go out anymore and even though I am a shopaholic I don't go out as much as I don't like crowds and I have pulled back into my safe world I guess.
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Old 06-01-2013, 04:42 PM
 
Location: NJ
10,730 posts, read 21,375,591 times
Reputation: 8947
Quote:
Originally Posted by FlyBoyDC10AA View Post
Well since we now haven't talked in 6 days, I am sort of at a loss. She has the ball and apparently is giving me a lot of space which is fine. I am not sure wether or not to just move on with my life and let things stay as they are or if I should just wait this out and see how it plays out. (I am not asking for advice)
Can I give you a little?

It can be that her life got busy... I think you said that she has kids? Look what happened in my life this week. My hub got home last night; I haven't had a minute to call his gram to let her know he made it home safe lol

Did you explain about your AF & everyone else? She's probably digesting what's happened & is trying to move slow. It's not a bad thing. It's what you originally wanted. Let her take it slow
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Old 06-01-2013, 04:53 PM
 
Location: NJ
10,730 posts, read 21,375,591 times
Reputation: 8947
Quote:
Originally Posted by FlyBoyDC10AA View Post
In not talking to my sister this whole week, I discovered something and that is how lonely I really am. Even though I am married and do have someone in the house he and I very rarely speak more then a few sentences a day. Most of my time is spent upstairs in our master bedroom with me just watching TV and knitting. I rarely go out anymore and even though I am a shopaholic I don't go out as much as I don't like crowds and I have pulled back into my safe world I guess.
You buried your grand mother not long ago. What you're doing is perfectly ok while processing the loss.
I'm also a shopaholic that rarely goes put due to my back pain. Staying home is easier right now.

Your sisters life could have gotten busy... I think you said that she has kids?
If you explained about your AF & everyone else she's probably digesting what's happened & is trying to move slow. It's not a bad thing. It's what you originally wanted. Let her take it slow. It's what you really need; even if you're lonely. Things can turn ugly quick if one of you doesn't pace it.
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Old 06-01-2013, 10:07 PM
 
Location: Chicago
149 posts, read 218,448 times
Reputation: 164
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselvr View Post
Can I give you a little?

It can be that her life got busy... I think you said that she has kids? Look what happened in my life this week. My hub got home last night; I haven't had a minute to call his gram to let her know he made it home safe lol

Did you explain about your AF & everyone else? She's probably digesting what's happened & is trying to move slow. It's not a bad thing. It's what you originally wanted. Let her take it slow

She texted me tonight, She has the flu so she asked for me to let her get better and then we can pick back up.
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Old 06-01-2013, 10:19 PM
 
Location: Chicago
149 posts, read 218,448 times
Reputation: 164
She does have kids but she lost custody of them (long story and not mine to share) She did text me tonight to tell me that she has the flu and I should give her a couple days to get back on her feet. we are going to take it slow, tonight I was able to go out and have a little fun with friends and a good meal, I am learning how to cope little by little. I am also starting to enjoy talking to more people on here (I really am a people person) but since my stress level has been so high I have kind of shut myself down and been in my own little world.
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Old 06-02-2013, 09:10 AM
 
Location: NJ
10,730 posts, read 21,375,591 times
Reputation: 8947
She may need more then a few days. I had some kind of virus in April; it sucked the life out of me. If she has what I had; it comes on fast & takes time to recover from.

There are tons of topics on City-Data that should keep you busy lol
Btw; if other adoptees are looking for family & do not live in a state like you do; they can try $99 Genealogy test 23and me which may help them figure out their family tree.
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