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Old 04-14-2009, 08:20 AM
 
Location: Portland OR
66 posts, read 352,791 times
Reputation: 98

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Hi all,

I've found my half sister who is now 50 years old. I've known about her for 15 years. My other half sister located her 16 years ago but was told by the 50 yr olds mother to "not interfere in her life and never call again." My sister respected the mothers wishes but was heartbroken. Now 16 years later THE MOTHER contacted our uncle to see *what's up* and what happened to this side of the family.

My sister and I have been in phone contact with the mother and through clues we've picked up we've successfully located our half sister!

Our dilemma: The mother STILL does not want her daughter to know.
Our half sister knows NOTHING. She thinks that her adopted father who passed away was her bio father. She has no idea that her bio father lives 1 hour away and that she has 3 half siblings.
We want to respect the mom, but also want to get to know our sister. I also feel strongly that our sister has a right to know, especially at the age of 50!

Anyone been there done that? Suggestions would truly be helpful.
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Old 04-14-2009, 08:27 AM
 
Location: Southern Ontario
443 posts, read 562,253 times
Reputation: 816
I know if it was me who had family out there i knew nothing of, I'd be shocked but eventually glad to know the truth! A 50 year old woman has the right to know about family members who have been kept secret from her--especially a biological father!!. Her mother must had an agenda of her own, to be keeping all this from her daughter, but at this stage of the game, why keep things secret?
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Old 04-14-2009, 08:57 AM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
556 posts, read 2,080,383 times
Reputation: 856
Wow - at almost 50 years of age - I can tell you, that if someone entered my life right now, today - and said "I'm your half sister, you have 2 more, and your biological father is alive as well".......I'd have to sit down and get my breath - but after proof (it will likely take some time to prove this to her, I would think) - I think I would be open to embracing the newly discovered extended family. Often times, family dynamics are complicated....and perpetuating the secret(s) by future generations serves no real purpose in my opinion. Just look at the desperate posts here of folks hoping to reconnect to a family member they were kept from, but knew of for many years.

Everyone here is adults - we're not talking children, or even young impressionable adults - we're talking been down the road of a life for a while adults. Personally - I would want to know. The "why" of how it all remained top secret would be a detail for discussing like the adults everyone currently is At least that's what you could hope.

Best of luck to you all......keeping secrets should only be fun on the playground in 3rd grade.....
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Old 04-14-2009, 02:10 PM
 
652 posts, read 1,778,061 times
Reputation: 363
Tell her! She already knows something is off, she just doesn't know what it is. So she probably thinks it is her instead of the secrets her "mother" is keeping from her.
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Old 04-14-2009, 03:04 PM
 
Location: Hampton Roads, Virginia
1,123 posts, read 5,313,751 times
Reputation: 709
I would tell her - then it is up to her.

I have 2 stories to tell you - both positive. Your story is eerily similar to mine. Found a half sister years ago, kept up intermittant contact. I have another half sister out there, but I only know her first name, approximate birth date and area of birth. My half sister had been trying to find me, but our uncle (while trying to protect me) refused to give her any information and I never even knew she was looking.

2 years ago, I went on a search for my husbands half brother. When his father was married before, they had a child and after the divorce the mother refused to let the father have any contact at all so no one knew a thing. Only my Mother in law knew of the half brother, and only had sketchy information. I finally got a lead 2 weeks ago, and with the help of this website, we were able to find Joel. When my husband called him he was THRILLED!!!! He knew of brothers and sisters, but Joel is now 62 and had almost no information. In the past 2 weeks all 5 family members have talked to him and we are making plans to go see him. Joel's mother is also aware that we have made contact, but she is in her late 80's and has some dementia so I am not sure how she took it. Joel was raised an only child and still cannot get over the fact that he now has a 'family'.

You have worked this hard to find her, go for it!!!
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Old 04-14-2009, 03:15 PM
 
Location: NJ
23,783 posts, read 33,224,108 times
Reputation: 30580
Quote:
Originally Posted by We're All Aliens View Post
Hi all,

I've found my half sister who is now 50 years old. I've known about her for 15 years. My other half sister located her 16 years ago but was told by the 50 yr olds mother to "not interfere in her life and never call again." My sister respected the mothers wishes but was heartbroken. Now 16 years later THE MOTHER contacted our uncle to see *what's up* and what happened to this side of the family.

My sister and I have been in phone contact with the mother and through clues we've picked up we've successfully located our half sister!

Our dilemma: The mother STILL does not want her daughter to know.
Our half sister knows NOTHING. She thinks that her adopted father who passed away was her bio father. She has no idea that her bio father lives 1 hour away and that she has 3 half siblings.
We want to respect the mom, but also want to get to know our sister. I also feel strongly that our sister has a right to know, especially at the age of 50!

Anyone been there done that? Suggestions would truly be helpful.
I can honestly say that at 40 I had a similar experience and that she really should know about this while her mother is still alive to answer questions, no matter how hard it's going to be for either of them. There was question of whether the man that raised me was my biodad or a guy my "mother" had an affair with. I can't imagine if this guy actually found me and knocked on my door.

Anyway, she is going to be shocked; felt lied to. She is probably going to cry her eyes out. Be prepared before hand with a DNA center that will either come out or one you can go to before telling her so that you are prepared.

How does her bio father feel about this?
If you do say something, he's going to have questions to answer too.

Good luck.
Honestly, I wouldn't wait too long.
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Old 04-14-2009, 11:30 PM
 
Location: Portland OR
66 posts, read 352,791 times
Reputation: 98
So we had a brief bumbling conversation with our half sister. I'm thinking she probably thinks we're some weird stalkers. She must've called her mother after the call because her mother emailed and called both of us and told us to stop contacting them. This time though, we are NOT going to listen to her.
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Old 04-15-2009, 08:41 AM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
556 posts, read 2,080,383 times
Reputation: 856
Quote:
Originally Posted by We're All Aliens View Post
This time though, we are NOT going to listen to her.
I'm glad you are this far this morning I hope in the coming days, your half sister will be open minded enough to hear your side - and then take it upon herself to learn as much as she can as well.

From someone with lots and lots of 'half-relatives' running around, whom I'll likely never know and who may well not even know about me - thank you......I hope soon you are all in regular contact with one another!
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Old 04-15-2009, 08:45 AM
 
Location: NJ
23,783 posts, read 33,224,108 times
Reputation: 30580
Quote:
Originally Posted by We're All Aliens View Post
So we had a brief bumbling conversation with our half sister. I'm thinking she probably thinks we're some weird stalkers. She must've called her mother after the call because her mother emailed and called both of us and told us to stop contacting them. This time though, we are NOT going to listen to her.
Good for you!
Don't let the mother dictate what you do.
She's not your mother..
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Old 04-15-2009, 11:54 AM
 
2,046 posts, read 917,727 times
Reputation: 4148
Quote:
Originally Posted by We're All Aliens View Post
So we had a brief bumbling conversation with our half sister. I'm thinking she probably thinks we're some weird stalkers. She must've called her mother after the call because her mother emailed and called both of us and told us to stop contacting them. This time though, we are NOT going to listen to her.
Since the mother contacts you, have you ever asked her why she feels the need to protect your sister? She's fifty, afterall. Even if there was some kind of scandal at the time of conception, I would think your sister could handle it now. That said, it still might be worth asking the mother just in case there's something really big she's withholding.
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