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I've seen a situation lately that is a good lesson on what to avoid. Man is sick & temporarily unable to handle his own affairs. Different factions of the family are fighting to control his affairs and his living arrangements. He never discussed with the family who should do what in case of something like this. Didn't like to "borrow trouble". I just hope the calmer cooler heads in the family prevail & his affairs are handled well. If not, who knows what may happen?
Shortly after my father's death, my mother discussed such things with my sister, brother & me. She had Powers of Attorney drawn up & kept copies at the house. Sure enough, she had periods of flu, high fever, etc. where was somewhat out of it. I just took my POA to the bank, credit union, etc. to pay bills for her or set up accounts, etc. Without that, I'd have had to go to a judge or magistrate & get such clearance. When Mom recovered, I locked the papers back up for any future need. I was closest one to her & did most of this stuff, but any of us could have. In our case too, it helped Mom to know that any of us would handle things properly for her.
Please, decide now who should make decisions for you in such an event. Get a POA written & keep copies in a safe place. Make a will. We never expect trouble, it just comes upon us; sometimes before we know what hit. Think of those in your family who love & support one another and those that manipulate people. Make it as easy as possible for the people you choose to be able to cover for you
I've seen a situation lately that is a good lesson on what to avoid. Man is sick & temporarily unable to handle his own affairs. Different factions of the family are fighting to control his affairs and his living arrangements. He never discussed with the family who should do what in case of something like this. Didn't like to "borrow trouble". I just hope the calmer cooler heads in the family prevail & his affairs are handled well. If not, who knows what may happen?
Shortly after my father's death, my mother discussed such things with my sister, brother & me. She had Powers of Attorney drawn up & kept copies at the house. Sure enough, she had periods of flu, high fever, etc. where was somewhat out of it. I just took my POA to the bank, credit union, etc. to pay bills for her or set up accounts, etc. Without that, I'd have had to go to a judge or magistrate & get such clearance. When Mom recovered, I locked the papers back up for any future need. I was closest one to her & did most of this stuff, but any of us could have. In our case too, it helped Mom to know that any of us would handle things properly for her.
Please, decide now who should make decisions for you in such an event. Get a POA written & keep copies in a safe place. Make a will. We never expect trouble, it just comes upon us; sometimes before we know what hit. Think of those in your family who love & support one another and those that manipulate people. Make it as easy as possible for the people you choose to be able to cover for you
For most people, the durable (survives incompetency of the grantor) POA is the most important estate planning document. It avoids the appointment of a guardian for the legal affairs of a person who is no longer able to act for themselves. A mental health guardianship is one of the most humiliating experiences an elderly person can endure. Most jurisdictions require the alleged in competent person to be physically brought into court and examined by a magistrate and to have expensive medical expert testimony before a person's legal rights are taken away. Every family member must be notified. Once declared incompetent (even from a temporary injury) good luck on getting anything like a job, credit, or a drivers license.
All of that so momma can sell the house while pop is in the nursing home.
As a nurse, I second the OP's advice. Far too often we have patients who are being taken advantage of financially by family members, or have no family at all... and we have no choice but to continue aggressive healthcare measures that the patient probably wouldn't have even wanted!!
I third this advice - at all ages! Never would have thought to need it but my husband was in a severe car accident at 31 and unconscious in the hospital for 2 weeks. Even though we were married at the time, I wasn't on all his accounts and the banks/credit card companies/etc were sympathetic but not helpful. The hospital social worker suggested initiating the process for guardianship because of the brain injury. Fortunately, we did not need to go very far with that but as soon as he could think and understand clearly enough, we signed a durable POA.
This saga continues & is a big mess, from what little I know. Seemingly, those most concerned about him are being overpowered by those most concerned with themselves.
A Durable POA is not as tight as we would like to think. My mother gave it to me about 20 years before she needed it. When it became apparent to both of us that I needed to take over I started doing everything which was needed. By then she was pretty much disabled with dementia. She had good days and bad days.
In comes my alcoholic brother and his 3rd wife. Brother was not at all involved in Mother's life and rarely came to see her during the ten years she lived with me and my family. But wifey #3 realized some money was involved and suddenly they start visiting the assisted living and bringing her lipstick, candies (Mom was diabetic) and all sorts of other things. Even took a 82 year old demented woman to get her ears pierced.
I had to go out of the country for about 3 weeks and husband was in charge-he was also on POA. Day I got back Mom announced she had gone with my brother to cancel my POA, change her will to leave everything to brother and was moving 350 miles to live near brother and now she would be able to entertain again and would I please bring her china, especially the serving pieces to her. This from a woman who could not remember what day it was, where she was, anything. Lawyer was persuaded by brother who did all the talking.
I had to have incompetency hearing and of course my brother and his wife were revealed but it was very upsetting for everybody involved. Poor mother was so confused.
It ended when brother died of cancer about a year later and I ended up taking her on a good day to her old doctor who declared her competent again, she gave me POA and new will and wife # 3 ended up with nothing.
A Durable POA is not as tight as we would like to think. My mother gave it to me about 20 years before she needed it. When it became apparent to both of us that I needed to take over I started doing everything which was needed. By then she was pretty much disabled with dementia. She had good days and bad days.
In comes my alcoholic brother and his 3rd wife. Brother was not at all involved in Mother's life and rarely came to see her during the ten years she lived with me and my family. But wifey #3 realized some money was involved and suddenly they start visiting the assisted living and bringing her lipstick, candies (Mom was diabetic) and all sorts of other things. Even took a 82 year old demented woman to get her ears pierced.
I had to go out of the country for about 3 weeks and husband was in charge-he was also on POA. Day I got back Mom announced she had gone with my brother to cancel my POA, change her will to leave everything to brother and was moving 350 miles to live near brother and now she would be able to entertain again and would I please bring her china, especially the serving pieces to her. This from a woman who could not remember what day it was, where she was, anything. Lawyer was persuaded by brother who did all the talking.
I had to have incompetency hearing and of course my brother and his wife were revealed but it was very upsetting for everybody involved. Poor mother was so confused.
It ended when brother died of cancer about a year later and I ended up taking her on a good day to her old doctor who declared her competent again, she gave me POA and new will and wife # 3 ended up with nothing.
Karma's a *****.
I'm sure sorry to hear that. Fighting with my brother & sister was not something I had to deal with. We all saw eye to eye on major issues with Mom's well being.
At least your mother had done the POA long before becoming disabled & you had something to work with. Imagine if you hadn't had it at all. Having it was at least part of a defense against your brother wasn't it?
I've seen a few of those situations. I worked several years for an insurance co. Some people would call in, asking best way to do things to help a family member. Others would call angry that they were getting no money from someone's death. Money can bring out the best or the worst in people.
Your mother was fortunate to have you caring for her.
thank you jmellc. I was happy to be there for her but it was not easy.
Yes having that POA for all those years was certainly a plus. I also took to the hearing a letter she wrote to me many years prior talking about how much peace it gave her to have me taking care of her business and not brother cause she never really did trust him. She also stated she was glad it was out of the way and she would never have to worry about being declared mentally incompetent in her old age. I also found brother's bankruptcy papers where he left Mom high and dry with a mortgage she co signed for. He had been in such a drunken stupor for so many years, he had forgotten all about all those things and that Mom had shared all that information with me. I remember her giving me the papers to keep: "You might need them sometime in the future". Little did she know.
Brother's reason for wanting to remove Mom from assisted living near my home was because she told him the help there stole Mom's 3 sets of hearing aids and did not bother to bathe her frequently. I had administrator of the assisted living read many many evening reports where Mom refused baths and threw a fit if they tried to talk her into it.
Then I got on the stand and pulled out of my purse 3 sets of hearing aids I had found hidden all over her apartment. When she saw them she started to giggle and said "Oh you found all my good hiding places".
Yes money surely can turn a family into a snarling, bitter, back biting bunch of fools.
As bad as my story is, I've heard many worse.
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