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Last night the fiancee and I were laying on the couch watching a movie together and I asked her to hand me "my" remote and...well things sort of spiraled out of control from there. Ended up having an argument about the use of "mine" vs "ours" when it comes to just about everything! We reconciled but it lead me to pose a question to this forum: Do you all have a problem with using "mine" vs "ours" if you're in a relationship or married??
I guess I have this problem quite often, I refer to many possessions as "mine" vs using "ours" since we're engaged. I feel I have a right to say mine because in all reality...most of "our" stuff is MINE! I'm not trying to sound like a jerk but the reality is that I bring home the true bacon and I pay for almost everything that "we" have and enjoy. I bought and paid for the cars (parents bought her Escalade), the house (my house before she moved in), the furnishings, etc etc. I don't MIND doing so and I also think I treat her pretty good, don't deny her anything she truly wants.Do you think it's alright to refer to ones possessions as his or hers versus "ours"?? Do you do this? Do you do it without realizing it?
no offense, you may not being trying to sound like a jerk, but to most people, this sounds like a jerk.
just say "can you hand me the remote".
at dinner, if you bought the groceries, do you ask her to pass you "my ketchup"?
it's very condescending to speak that way to someone you love.
if she does all the housework, can she refer to the house as "her clean and organized house"? or the house doesn't belong to her, so it's just the clean and orgnanized part she owns? hehe
The bold part is key. Every relationship is different, and it should be up to the involved parties to figure out what works for them. Which requires the lovebirds to actually talk about their financial values and resolve any differences. Perish the thought!
in the end though, a prenup isn't as valuable as people think it is. there is plenty of precedent out there about marital property in each state. a prenup can get tossed out by any decent lawyer if it grossly violates the rules established in a state.
bottom line is, assets entering a marriage are typically views as seperate. assets acquired during marriage as considered a joint effort. if one person works and the other takes care of the house, many states have looked at this as the stay-at-home caretaker enabling the other person's work.
in the end, if you do get divoreced, it all comes down to who hires the better lawyer in most places.
my personal opinion on assets entering the marriage...unless it's something significant like a business one's family has built up....they become both person's. just like debts. when you marry someone with student loan debt, you're going into this relationship knowing it.
for better or for worse.
otherwise, maybe marriage isn't really a good idea.
Examples in the Foolies of this is 'Mine': A mother carry's a child in her womb for 9 months and they are One Body and Two Minds. The father drives them to the hospital. A male child is born, and it is severed from the womb, the Umbilical Cord is cut, the child is given a set of keys to play with. And the child is named Tom. Every time the Mother takes the keys to drive car, the boy named Tom cries. Then one day, mom takes the keys and the child named Tom first word is not Mom or Mommy, but Mine. Then Mom decided to teach the word 'Ours' to the child named Tom. So every time the mom took the keys from the baby, she would say 'ours'. Shortly after that Mom, Dad, and child were in a terrible car wreck. When the paramedics came, both parents were dead, the keys were in the child's hand and when the paramedic tried to take the keys away, the child said, 'ours'. The child named Tom, with keys, is sent to its aunt, uncle, and his cousins. The child grows up into a caring and successful person. Then one Thanksgiving holiday, the grown child, now called man, comes home early with his wife and children - to help prepare for the season. Its been a year since Tom's been gone. The house and yard seems to had a lot of neglect through the years, but Tom has a plan to fix this. Tom, his wife, and his children mow the grass, prune the trees, and bushes, and start helping to put the house and yard back together. His aunt and uncle are joyous, everything is falling in place, but then, Tom's cousins are angered by the flood of Family, that Tom has brought to this house. The cousins, who weren't taught 'Ours', confronted their parents, and say, 'This is not Tom's house. If Tom comes back to this house again, we will leave and never come back...' The aunt and uncle is put in a bad situation. They love their children, although Tom is like their child and has done nothing wrong - their children are their Children. Their children didn't complain about Tom's wife and Tom's children. So Tom is confronted by his uncle. 'Your wife and children are welcomed here. But, because of your cousins - you are not.' 'although my rent and utilities are paid for, I cannot afford to live without the 200.00 a month your cousins give me. But if you give me 40.00 in rent, there is nothing your cousin can say about you being here'. ' I am going to investigate this Tom, and find out what caused this!' Tom says, 'This is wrong!' 'I came here to help and show respect to my family'. Tom's wife says, 'Tom did nothing wrong!' Tom's children say, 'Dad did nothing wrong!' Tom tells his uncle goodbye, But, before the leave, Tom's Aunt, who liked the help from Tom's wife and kids - tells Tom's wife, 'you can come back with the kids.' 'You came, you can come back.' Tom's wife tells Tom's aunt, 'I am here because Tom brought me.' 'If Tom didn't bring me, I would not be here.' Yet, Tom is upset. Tom went through his mind in his beliefs he was taught to believe - Body: Ours. Mind: Ours. Spirit: Ours. Family: Ours. Tom asked himself - 'How could my core belief be so cheaply Robbed?' An answer came from out of nowhere, 'By those who believe in 'Mine'. '
I'm not married yet, but I can't even imagine referring to the remote as "mine". That just sounds stupid, and like you're trying to point out that it's yours. It's a remote, not a car.
Regardless of who purchases what, you two need to figure out how you feel about the finances before you tie the knot. I didn't read the whole thread, but you should seriously consider a prenup since you see things as yours. You could even consider a conditional prenup, for example, 10 years or so since you both came into this owning things.
I worked for a year before my SO started making money after grad school, and I bought a lot of things for him that we either share together or were gifts to him. I can't imagine telling him to give me "my" (insert possession here). I can see why she got upset. My boyfriend has never done that to me, even though he now makes about twice my income.
Just my two cents.
Also, my father was married (he is now widowed) to a woman who made CONSIDERABLY less than him, but all their purchases were made together. I can't imagine him ever referring to something as "mine". It was "theirs", not that your way of doing it is wrong, but that doesn't seem to be how your fiancee sees it.
Last night the fiancee and I were laying on the couch watching a movie together and I asked her to hand me "my" remote and...well things sort of spiraled out of control from there. Ended up having an argument about the use of "mine" vs "ours" when it comes to just about everything! We reconciled but it lead me to pose a question to this forum: Do you all have a problem with using "mine" vs "ours" if you're in a relationship or married??
I guess I have this problem quite often, I refer to many possessions as "mine" vs using "ours" since we're engaged. I feel I have a right to say mine because in all reality...most of "our" stuff is MINE! I'm not trying to sound like a jerk but the reality is that I bring home the true bacon and I pay for almost everything that "we" have and enjoy. I bought and paid for the cars (parents bought her Escalade), the house (my house before she moved in), the furnishings, etc etc. I don't MIND doing so and I also think I treat her pretty good, don't deny her anything she truly wants.
Do you think it's alright to refer to ones possessions as his or hers versus "ours"?? Do you do this? Do you do it without realizing it?
The only time I ever use the word 'mine' or 'yours' is to distinguish between two or or more things that are used almost or totally exclusively by one person.
Example: My toothbrush, my underwear, your socks, your car
I get what you're saying, but why even use the word 'my' at all when you're talking about the freakin' remote control? That's just weird.
Who says "give me my remote" to begin with. That is just ludicrious.
When your married or in a commited relationship things will become "ours" all the time. I don't know of anyone who says give me my remote, my salt shaker. That is terrible.
I bought an ipad for my gf last year. I BOUGHT it...for her though. I use it at times because we are in a relationship. I don't demand my ipad though.
Last night the fiancee and I were laying on the couch watching a movie together and I asked her to hand me "my" remote and...well things sort of spiraled out of control from there. Ended up having an argument about the use of "mine" vs "ours" when it comes to just about everything! We reconciled but it lead me to pose a question to this forum: Do you all have a problem with using "mine" vs "ours" if you're in a relationship or married??
I guess I have this problem quite often, I refer to many possessions as "mine" vs using "ours" since we're engaged. I feel I have a right to say mine because in all reality...most of "our" stuff is MINE! I'm not trying to sound like a jerk but the reality is that I bring home the true bacon and I pay for almost everything that "we" have and enjoy. I bought and paid for the cars (parents bought her Escalade), the house (my house before she moved in), the furnishings, etc etc. I don't MIND doing so and I also think I treat her pretty good, don't deny her anything she truly wants.
Do you think it's alright to refer to ones possessions as his or hers versus "ours"?? Do you do this? Do you do it without realizing it?
Ha-ha, I only have a problem when he refers to OUR mess as MY mess. As in "can you clean up YOUR papers from the desk?" "It's OUR bills, honey!"
We've been married for a long time, and we had zero possessions before we got married, so we never had this problem. Of course, I have my underwear, he has his shirts. We even have my laptop and his laptop. (Mine died some months ago, so for now I'm using THE desktop). Oh, and both cars are in his name, but that's just because I don't want to deal with DMV and emission testing every year or two . We don't have his car/my car, since we switch them very often depending on who has to drive far (smaller car with better gas mileage) or who is picking up the kids (big 7-passenger cross-over).
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. We don't have his car/my car, since we switch them very often depending on who has to drive far (smaller car with better gas mileage) or who is picking up the kids (big 7-passenger cross-over).
