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Old 03-28-2011, 12:20 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
4,472 posts, read 17,626,112 times
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Last night the fiancee and I were laying on the couch watching a movie together and I asked her to hand me "my" remote and...well things sort of spiraled out of control from there. Ended up having an argument about the use of "mine" vs "ours" when it comes to just about everything! We reconciled but it lead me to pose a question to this forum: Do you all have a problem with using "mine" vs "ours" if you're in a relationship or married??

I guess I have this problem quite often, I refer to many possessions as "mine" vs using "ours" since we're engaged. I feel I have a right to say mine because in all reality...most of "our" stuff is MINE! I'm not trying to sound like a jerk but the reality is that I bring home the true bacon and I pay for almost everything that "we" have and enjoy. I bought and paid for the cars (parents bought her Escalade), the house (my house before she moved in), the furnishings, etc etc. I don't MIND doing so and I also think I treat her pretty good, don't deny her anything she truly wants.

Do you think it's alright to refer to ones possessions as his or hers versus "ours"?? Do you do this? Do you do it without realizing it?
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Old 03-28-2011, 12:31 PM
 
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Speedy : The correct term is " Hand me the Remote, please " That way its * the * instead of ( hers or yours ) . Or you could say " Our remote " but that sounds odd.

Getting married everything will be * ours * instead of * yours * unless you want to do the seperate bank accounts, seperate everything.

I do believe in seperate finances . Maybe it's a matter of trust. The idea that somebody could clean me out !

Some say don't get married unless you want to share . That marriage means mingling of everything you have.....
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Old 03-28-2011, 12:42 PM
 
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Nope, anything that is a common use item is not referred to in possessive tense, regardless of whose money was used to purchase it (even if we kept track of that sort of thing).

The only time I would use the possessive tense would be to designate what item I was referring to (i.e. please hand me my cell phone).
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Old 03-28-2011, 01:24 PM
 
Location: NJ
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It seems odd to me that someone would say "my" remote and not just "the" remote unless there were actually multiple remotes and they were trying to differenciate between them.

When you are eating do you say "pass me my butter" if you are the one that paid for the groceries? Or refer to her clothes as "yours" if you paid for them?
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Old 03-28-2011, 02:01 PM
 
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You, my friend, need a pre-nup. You and your fiancee clearly do not think alike about finances and possessions. In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with having separate property in a marriage. That's what my big ol' pre-nup says! But you have to make sure you agree on that matter. Otherwise, this disagreement will come up often in your marriage and lead to some pretty hard feelings.

You need to work this out NOW before you get hitched.
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Old 03-28-2011, 02:17 PM
 
Location: Victoria TX
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There are things in the kitchen that are mine, and things that are hers, and things that are ours. But , happily, there are none that are in dispute.

In the kitchen, ownership is largely defined by who is protective of the thing, like a certain knife or saucepan that one or the other has adopted as a favorite.

But in terms of the remote, it is undisputed that in every household, that belongs to the male. It's like a tube of toothpaste---women just don't know how to use it. Ever been in a house with a single female occupant? There's never anything good on TV, and the toothpaste is always crumpled into some scary alien mutation that defies the laws of nature. Just as when the couple goes out together, the male always drives. Always.
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Old 03-28-2011, 02:23 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
4,472 posts, read 17,626,112 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by manderly6 View Post
It seems odd to me that someone would say "my" remote and not just "the" remote unless there were actually multiple remotes and they were trying to differenciate between them.

When you are eating do you say "pass me my butter" if you are the one that paid for the groceries? Or refer to her clothes as "yours" if you paid for them?
It was sort of a mistake how I said it, I was talking about something on tv and it just blurted out. I meant to say "the" remote but I somehow inserted "my" in there and then started the whole debate of "my" vs "ours" off.

"My" shows ownership and I admit I say "my house" or "my cars" but...I OWN these things. However I do refer to the Escalade as "hers" even though it is titled in my name. If we go out for dinner or something, I asked "Do you want to take your truck or mine?" My parents do the same so I think this is normal...am I wrong?
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Old 03-28-2011, 02:28 PM
 
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This is a funny thread.

Breaking news is once you get married everything is "ours". At least traditionally speaking. Of course, you're not going to use such technicalities when you talk about the remote. That is just the D remote, nothing else.

But things have changed a lot with the younger generations.

I think I can understand the "bring home the bacon" feeling (though I am a female contributing about 10% of family income, with my husband making the lion's share). However, he always seems to feel so proud when I joke that "my money is my money and your money is our money". He loves the feeling of being a generous provider and does not frustrate him at all that I use his money (though admittedly, I am very judicious and not much of a spender, he always has to push me to buy new clothes, etc).

Yet he gets horribly uncomfortable if he fails to provide AT LEAST as much as I do. He had a very brief period of unemployment after losing his job a couple of years ago and I certainly would not want him in that position again, for the sake of his mental health.

But that feeling of entitlement prompted by the "bringing home of the bacon" on the part of many men is exactly what triggered the 60's wave of the feminist movement (60's).
In modern times, the stay-at-home wife role no longer has good bargaining power. The woman ends up depending on the man much more than the man depends on the woman. Once that balance of power is off, it spells trouble.

Putting aside the child rearing part, the man hardly gets much out of his wife staying at home anymore (or bringing in very little). Never mind that most stay-at-home wives today don't even cook from scratch anymore, don't iron, hardly keep the house spotless...just haul kids around to all sorts of so-called "important" mommy-and-me activities. Note how society has moved from the term "housewife" to "stay-at-home mom" in the past half a century. In the large scheme of things, there's hardly anything in this for the guy anymore - who can buy with his paycheck pretty much anything that a wife would have provided in the past.

Check out "the past" and how it felt for the guy:

http://www.colorado.edu/AmStudies/le.../homecbook.pdf

So now men end up feeling entitled to the "mine" paradigm.

I guess your girl will either have to start making herself reaaaaally useful to you in a variety of domestic ways or will have to get a job paying at least as much as yours does, so you can become a MEDS marriage (marriage of equally dependent spouses).
Otherwise, your nagging feeling might not go away.
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Old 03-28-2011, 02:53 PM
 
3,500 posts, read 6,138,189 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jtur88 View Post
But in terms of the remote, it is undisputed that in every household, that belongs to the male. It's like a tube of toothpaste---women just don't know how to use it. Ever been in a house with a single female occupant? There's never anything good on TV, and the toothpaste is always crumpled into some scary alien mutation that defies the laws of nature. Just as when the couple goes out together, the male always drives. Always.
I was not aware that we had time traveled back to 1951. Thank you for the information.
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Old 03-28-2011, 03:01 PM
 
3,500 posts, read 6,138,189 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by syracusa View Post
Yet he gets horribly uncomfortable if he fails to provide AT LEAST as much as I do. He had a very brief period of unemployment after losing his job a couple of years ago and I certainly would not want him in that position again, for the sake of his mental health.
There are many things wrong with the "man as breadwinner" model, and this is one of them. It's sad that a man has 99% of his self worth tied to his ability to outearn a woman.

Quote:
But that feeling of entitlement prompted by the "bringing home of the bacon" on the part of many men is exactly what triggered the 60's wave of the feminist movement (60's).
In modern times, the stay-at-home wife role no longer has good bargaining power. The woman ends up depending on the man much more than the man depends on the woman. Once that balance of power is off, it spells trouble.
Very true. And let's face it, in most marriages, $$ = power.

Quote:
I guess your girl will either have to start making herself reaaaaally useful to you in a variety of domestic ways or will have to get a job paying at least as much as yours does, so you can become a MEDS marriage (marriage of equally dependent spouses).
Oh, I love that acronym! Never seen that before. Hehe.

Or, you can get a pre-nup and agree to the concept of separate property, so nobody feels like he/she is getting the shaft. Crazy idea, huh?
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