Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Economics > Personal Finance
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 01-17-2015, 11:27 PM
 
210 posts, read 237,269 times
Reputation: 230

Advertisements

A little backround -- Back when I was barely an adult, I married a man who was financially abusive. He made me take out debt (mostly student loan debt) in my name and buy things like fancy sports cars, vacations, and tons of things we couldn't afford. He quit his job and I only made about $37,000 a year, but my car payments alone were $1500/mo not including insurance of several hundred. He would punch five foot holes in the wall and threaten to kill himself and physically hurt me if I didn't buy him those things. I had bruises all the time, wore lots of make up, and he would kick, choke, threaten me daily. I feared for my life. I finally left him after being married for almost 4 years. I am about $200,000 in student loan debt, and about $150,000 of that was debt he made me sign up for and put toward "living expenses," only $50,000 toward my education. He made me take out $100,000 with them over the course of a few years from private student loans with Sallie Mae. Several refund checks were sent to me from my school for federal student loans that he made me keep.

Needless to say, my personal finances now 5 years later are awful. I have so much student loan debt I cannot declare bankruptcy on. I declared bankruptcy on all the cars (a 2008 Ford Shelby GT mustang, a 2007 Ford Mustang, and a 2009 Harley Davidson motorcycle) as well as my credit cards (over $25,000). Amazingly, I had a credit score of over 750 through the whole marriage because I even worked a second job to pay the bills. Now my credit score is probably 300 lol

Sometimes the cops were called because of our arguing and his abuse, but I always told them that nothing happened so he has no charges against him for abuse.

And..... now I'm stuck with all my student loans I cannot ever afford to pay off on a teacher's salary. I don't know what to do. It's 5 years later since we got divorced. None of the debt was transferred over to him in the divorce. Is there anything... anything I can do???? I see no end in sight, and I hate hate HATE that my abuser for 4 years who I finally worked up the courage to leave has this lasting influence on my life that will probably last my whole life.





PLEASE, please don't tell me I should have known better, why didn't I leave sooner, didn't I know this was wrong? Hindsight is 20/20... and I was young, I guess.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 01-17-2015, 11:43 PM
 
48,505 posts, read 96,496,294 times
Reputation: 18301
Are you conning yourself? I mean you are a teacher ;so I think the too stupid hardly holds up. Sorry.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-18-2015, 12:10 AM
 
Location: Riverside Ca
22,146 posts, read 33,215,981 times
Reputation: 35433
You may just be stuck paying those loans. You can try a loan consolidation so you only have one payment. I'm sorry to hear about the abuse.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-18-2015, 05:56 AM
 
105,708 posts, read 107,682,511 times
Reputation: 79329
Legally you are responsible. You can can make up any story you like but it is what it is. THOSE ARE THE DRAW BACKS WHEN PICKING A SPOUSE.

unfortunately you picked him and have to suffer the consequences of a bad choice. I guess in a way it is no different than anyone else making a bad choice in investments and having to face the consequences of that poor choice.

just about anyone who goes through a divorce knows about the expenses of making a poor choice.

Last edited by mathjak107; 01-18-2015 at 06:07 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-18-2015, 07:02 AM
 
26,147 posts, read 21,368,471 times
Reputation: 22736
If the debt was accumulated while married why didn't he get half of it at divorce?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-18-2015, 10:45 AM
 
13,389 posts, read 6,373,658 times
Reputation: 10022
I don't know any way you can legally avoid responsibility for the student loans. You might be able to get free or cheap legal advice through a womens shelter or domestic violence program.

You could look into the forgiveness program for teachers that work in low income areas. Not sure if the loan you have qualifies and/or how hard it is to get into the program. Presumably also may be undesirable due to salary, location and/or general employment conditions.

Otherwise, I think you need to shift your focus to how to live the best life you can while paying it off. Your goal imo needs to be increasing your income and decreasing your expenses.

Getting mired in the emotion of what this relationship cost you financially on top of what it has cost you emotionally is counterproductive and you need to find a way to let that go. I think if you met a woman who stayed in a relationship like this for 20 or 30 years rather than get out at 4 albeit in significant debt she might tell you that you got off cheap.

Therapy might be useful to help you with this if you haven't already gone. Also, to make sure you know how you got into this situation and make sure you never do again. You are at risk having already been in one abusive relationship.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-18-2015, 11:01 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 24,959,102 times
Reputation: 51106
Quote:
Originally Posted by mathjak107 View Post
Legally you are responsible. You can can make up any story you like but it is what it is. THOSE ARE THE DRAW BACKS WHEN PICKING A SPOUSE.

unfortunately you picked him and have to suffer the consequences of a bad choice. I guess in a way it is no different than anyone else making a bad choice in investments and having to face the consequences of that poor choice.

just about anyone who goes through a divorce knows about the expenses of making a poor choice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondy View Post
I don't know any way you can legally avoid responsibility for the student loans. You might be able to get free or cheap legal advice through a womens shelter or domestic violence program.

You could look into the forgiveness program for teachers that work in low income areas. Not sure if the loan you have qualifies and/or how hard it is to get into the program. Presumably also may be undesirable due to salary, location and/or general employment conditions.

Otherwise, I think you need to shift your focus to how to live the best life you can while paying it off. Your goal imo needs to be increasing your income and decreasing your expenses.

Getting mired in the emotion of what this relationship cost you financially on top of what it has cost you emotionally is counterproductive and you need to find a way to let that go. I think if you met a woman who stayed in a relationship like this for 20 or 30 years rather than get out at 4 albeit in significant debt she might tell you that you got off cheap.

Therapy might be useful to help you with this if you haven't already gone. Also, to make sure you know how you got into this situation and make sure you never do again. You are at risk having already been in one abusive relationship.
I am sorry for your problems.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-18-2015, 11:19 AM
 
2,144 posts, read 1,864,941 times
Reputation: 10604
Something very similar happened to me. Very young and very stupid with horrible self esteem. There were only two choices. Bankruptcy or paying off the debt. I paid off the debt. About $40,000 worth.

Best of luck!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-18-2015, 12:30 PM
 
Location: Riverside Ca
22,146 posts, read 33,215,981 times
Reputation: 35433
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lowexpectations View Post
If the debt was accumulated while married why didn't he get half of it at divorce?

Because the debt incurred sounds like it's student loans applied for in her name. That makes her responsible. I would look into debt consolidation or maybe some debt reduction. If none is available then just be ready to pay off the debt.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-18-2015, 02:19 PM
 
26,147 posts, read 21,368,471 times
Reputation: 22736
Quote:
Originally Posted by Electrician4you View Post
Because the debt incurred sounds like it's student loans applied for in her name. That makes her responsible. I would look into debt consolidation or maybe some debt reduction. If none is available then just be ready to pay off the debt.

I know in a community property state that's not the case. Any debt in cured during marriage is owned by both
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Economics > Personal Finance

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top