Couple's disagreement over financial future (payment, deposit, dollars, mortgage)
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Unreasonable? I say you're showing quite a bit of tolerance.
You are not living rent free. You paid 20k up front ( have they started paying ANY of that loan back?) I guarantee that if you bring up loan payments they will bring up free rent living. They see that money as theirs
You unfortunately are a enabler.
Your husband sounds like a dreamer. He is living off of you. I can understand losing a job and it can take some time to find another. But there comes a time when its simply sponging off you. Spouse or not.
He will NEVER open those storefronts. Even if he does he will fail. Storefront means hands on. You can't be hands on from cross country. And if you do live far away it requires someone you trust to run them.
His " retirement" is his parents debt laden properties. Which he has to share with his siblings. So in the end all he will have is a property that is mostly owned by the bank and he shares any equity with the siblings. Which most likely will want to be bought out. So I hope you save that buy out money Ms Moneybags.( that's you)
Your husband is a 1000 pound anchor
Christ dont buy into that bs. That money generated is siphoned off right now, and the parents obviously have a spending/revenue issue since you're subsidizing them.
I would sit his butt down and tell him that he needs to get a job. Stop dreaming of being a tycoon and start going to work. You both need to get out if there. Let the parents deal with their own finances
Good luck. But you're being used by the SO and his parents.
My advice to you is completely separate your finances from family. And never do business with friends or family.
I agree with all of this, but I'd take it a step further and say the OP needs to cut her losses and RUN from this guy and his familiy as fast as she can.
I think of some people as spending addicts. You can't help them by giving them more money or paying off their debt. That just feeds the cycle. And they can be perfectly wonderful loving people that just don't understand and can't break the cycle.
This is absolutely true. I really want to emphasize the bolded part. A lot of times people make debtors like the OPs boyfriend out to be these conniving people. Most of the time, that really isn't the case. (I was in a relationship with someone like this, so I know first hand). It's just they have some really messed up habits and attitudes that they'll never change. But just because he and his parents aren't necessarily malicious doesn't mean this isn't a toxic situation.
And people need to read the original post more closely and stop calling this man her husband. They are NOT married. All the more reason she can pick up and walk away now before it gets any worse (and it very likely will).
I think this is an excellent question for the OP. She IS getting something (usually some kind of emotional payoff) out of this relationship. Enablers wouldn't enable if they weren't getting something out of the deal.
The problem is he feels a bit entitled as his parents "are" footing the bill on his side by providing a free place to live. Situations like this are messy. To resolve things you are going to have to slum it by scaling down to an affordable apartment, tell him to get a real job, and stop with the family business. This will make everything come out...as for now everyone is too comfortable- including you.
I think this is an excellent question for the OP. She IS getting something (usually some kind of emotional payoff) out of this relationship. Enablers wouldn't enable if they weren't getting something out of the deal.
This is true. Maybe she enjoys being the First National Bank of Freeloaders. They have to be nice to her then.
This sounds like your SO has problems with boundaries and is not saying "NO" when he should. It is not fair to you for him to allow his folks to siphon off money YOU have worked so hard for.
You definitely need to sit down and have a talk at some point.
are the rentals bringing in positive revenue? can the parents sell one of the buildings to pay for some of the bills? if you could get to a point where the bills are paid and it's a positive stream of income, that might be a good thing all around. tho i do agree, your SO sounds like a dreamer and you are the one right now bearing the load of all the finances for HIS family.
Thanks everyone for the responses.
To follow up, and answer some questions:
- My mistake, I shouldn't have used SO, but was not in the mood for DH. We are married, and have two children, who are very attached to him.
- SO's parents say they have a life insurance policy that will take care of the debts and mortgages (only one property is mortgage-free). They have always lived beyond their means, always thinking that selling a property will bail them out.
- Because of the debts, the parents have cash flow problems, and need the entire rental income to pay mortgages and other bills. SO still hasn't done any spreadsheets to figure out what exactly is the net income from the apts.
- I have tried to separate finances but that caused awful confrontations and didn't lead anywhere. For now I do have a separate savings account that he can only access online, but doesn't have a card to. Also one joint checking where I put in a little money -- usually my tax refund -- for insurance premiums and other expenses.
- Cultural background makes it hard for me to bring up these subjects with the parents -- and posters are right, they likely think they are doing us a favor by having us stay with them (though this too was a cultural issue -- my SO is their only son)
This sounds like your SO has problems with boundaries and is not saying "NO" when he should. It is not fair to you for him to allow his folks to siphon off money YOU have worked so hard for.
You definitely need to sit down and have a talk at some point.
I strongly suspect he's not the only one who has problems with boundaries.
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