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Thanks everyone for the responses.
To follow up, and answer some questions:
- My mistake, I shouldn't have used SO, but was not in the mood for DH. We are married, and have two children, who are very attached to him.
- SO's parents say they have a life insurance policy that will take care of the debts and mortgages (only one property is mortgage-free). They have always lived beyond their means, always thinking that selling a property will bail them out.
- Because of the debts, the parents have cash flow problems, and need the entire rental income to pay mortgages and other bills. SO still hasn't done any spreadsheets to figure out what exactly is the net income from the apts.
- I have tried to separate finances but that caused awful confrontations and didn't lead anywhere. For now I do have a separate savings account that he can only access online, but doesn't have a card to. Also one joint checking where I put in a little money -- usually my tax refund -- for insurance premiums and other expenses.
- Cultural background makes it hard for me to bring up these subjects with the parents -- and posters are right, they likely think they are doing us a favor by having us stay with them (though this too was a cultural issue -- my SO is their only son)
OMG, this is a nightmare. Now that you've clarified he's your husband, I don't know how you solve this. All I can say it it will mean moving yourself and everyone else out of their comfort zones (if that's possible). This problem can't be solved by thinking/doing what was done in the past.
What if you got a 3rd party business advisor/consultant? A lawyer or an accountant. Tell your husband you want to do it the right way, with a business plan. Start getting legal advice. It might cost something, but you need to make sure that you are not personally liable for these debts.
I've been thinking is take out an amount equivalent to rent and limit him to that.
I kind of like that idea. Just make sure the numbers work out correctly to cover the rest of your family's expenses.
And maybe you can challenge him to find the best financial solution to his parents' debt, like selling one of the properties? It would be nice if everything actually worked out for the whole family.
I work a pretty good job in very low six figures, but in one of the most expensive cities in U.S. Have about $150k in a 401K, 110k in mutual funds, and 25k in college funds and 20k in savings.
My SO used to have great job but has been unemployed for several years -- he has no retirement plan, only a life insurance policy that I pay for. Because of this we recently moved back to SO's parents' home, and we help out with bills but overall live rent-free though we have given $20k plus in 'loans' to parents.
In the meantime SO has taken over management of some real estate his parents' own -- 10 apartments, which are bit dilapidated and have tens of thousands in unpaid taxes, fees and fines. The parents' have a decent income, but lots of debt and mortgages and rely on the rent from the apartments, SO takes a little cash, a few hundred dollars every month, I pay for everything else.
My SO likes to live large, and also has dreams of being Trump and is spending a lot on cleaning up and repairing the buildings, apartments etc. I pay off those bills. It burns me that he doesn't feel the need to have some sort of part-time job to cover those expenses, or to at least take it from the rent money. Now he wants to start paying off the fees and fines too. It felt like the last straw to me.
He tells me to look at the big picture -- that we'll inherit the house and the apts (after his siblings get smaller shares).
In addition he plans to open two small storefronts --- and then move across the country and manage all the businesses from there.
With two kids set to go to college with five years, am I being unreasonable?
oh my, I thought your SO and you were in your mid twenties, not middle aged. tell him to grow up. Also, he'll inherit it, not you. protect yourself.
So you and your husband and your 2 kids live with his parents (or is it IN one of their homes, but not with them?) and you make 101k+ while he does nothing? Yes, your husband needs to clean up his act and you need to put your foot down.
It's true, to avoid confrontation, I back down and am unable to enforce ultimatums or other promises.
Well you need to start enforcing those ultimatums. Culturally he feels the need to help out his parents financially that's fine. That's his choice . But the problem is he is doing it with your money. It's really easy to spend someone else's money.
You don't need a ultimatum. You need to go start a checking account in your name only. Deposit your checks there. Then you make a payment plan for your in laws to repay the 20k loan. Then you sign a lease agreeing to a payment.
Now finances are getting do lit you are each responsible for your own payments. No more I paid you x dollars or you live free do I don't owe you anything. Do not do you pay me $500 I owe you $700 so I'll just pay you $200 and call it even. No you pay them they pay you, when you move out they will continue to pay you until the loan is satisfied. Or they finish paying the loan you keep paying rent, either way.
No more loaning money on the future promise of some insurance payout windfall. They can at any time stop paying or change beneficiaries or policy matures and they haven't died.
Get a handle on this now or you will lose your ass on this whole situation.
Okay if this were me I would pay the fines and fees and take into account that they owe me 20,000 dollars but only on the agreement that they quit claim deed me one of the apartments? How does that sound. Then you would be at least guaranteed something for all the money you are putting out.
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