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Old 01-31-2015, 08:48 PM
 
12,665 posts, read 9,904,693 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by onlymike View Post
Okay if this were me I would pay the fines and fees and take into account that they owe me 20,000 dollars but only on the agreement that they quit claim deed me one of the apartments? How does that sound. Then you would be at least guaranteed something for all the money you are putting out.
And make sure the apartment doesn't have a lien on it!
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Old 01-31-2015, 09:37 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,882 posts, read 17,190,006 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Electrician4you View Post
Well you need to start enforcing those ultimatums. Culturally he feels the need to help out his parents financially that's fine. That's his choice . But the problem is he is doing it with your money. It's really easy to spend someone else's money.
Excellent point.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Electrician4you View Post
You don't need a ultimatum. You need to go start a checking account in your name only. Deposit your checks there. Then you make a payment plan for your in laws to repay the 20k loan. Then you sign a lease agreeing to a payment.
Now finances are getting do lit you are each responsible for your own payments. No more I paid you x dollars or you live free do I don't owe you anything. Do not do you pay me $500 I owe you $700 so I'll just pay you $200 and call it even. No you pay them they pay you, when you move out they will continue to pay you until the loan is satisfied. Or they finish paying the loan you keep paying rent, either way.
Another excellent point.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Electrician4you View Post
No more loaning money on the future promise of some insurance payout windfall. They can at any time stop paying or change beneficiaries or policy matures and they haven't died.

Get a handle on this now or you will lose your ass on this whole situation.
Another excellent point. Or his parents could become disabled or need to go into a nursing home (at $40,000 to $60,000 a year for each of them ) and all the property and houses will need to be sold to provide for their care. Or his siblings will insist that they get their fair share of the inheritance. Or any number of things could happen.

In the caregiver forum you will find thread after thread about elderly parents who promised houses, inheritances, insurance pay outs, etc. to their caregiver children and the adult children end up with absolutely nothing. You can not count on things like that.

OP, do not be a fool. You need to get control of the situation.
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Old 02-01-2015, 12:49 AM
 
213 posts, read 181,444 times
Reputation: 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by blhablha View Post
I work a pretty good job in very low six figures, but in one of the most expensive cities in U.S. Have about $150k in a 401K, 110k in mutual funds, and 25k in college funds and 20k in savings.

My SO used to have great job but has been unemployed for several years -- he has no retirement plan, only a life insurance policy that I pay for. Because of this we recently moved back to SO's parents' home, and we help out with bills but overall live rent-free though we have given $20k plus in 'loans' to parents.

In the meantime SO has taken over management of some real estate his parents' own -- 10 apartments, which are bit dilapidated and have tens of thousands in unpaid taxes, fees and fines. The parents' have a decent income, but lots of debt and mortgages and rely on the rent from the apartments, SO takes a little cash, a few hundred dollars every month, I pay for everything else.

My SO likes to live large, and also has dreams of being Trump and is spending a lot on cleaning up and repairing the buildings, apartments etc. I pay off those bills. It burns me that he doesn't feel the need to have some sort of part-time job to cover those expenses, or to at least take it from the rent money. Now he wants to start paying off the fees and fines too. It felt like the last straw to me.
He tells me to look at the big picture -- that we'll inherit the house and the apts (after his siblings get smaller shares).

In addition he plans to open two small storefronts --- and then move across the country and manage all the businesses from there.


With two kids set to go to college with five years, am I being unreasonable?
Not really. But I do have a friend who fixed up apt complexes and made lots of money; so your husband does seem to have a plan. Kids can take out student loans if things got bad.
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Old 02-01-2015, 12:54 AM
 
25,960 posts, read 28,355,008 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blhablha View Post
It's true, to avoid confrontation, I back down and am unable to enforce ultimatums or other promises.
Well it's not a good idea to give ultimatums unless you really are willing and able to follow through.

It sounds like you need some relationship advice more than money advice. Your real problems aren't about money at all. The lack of money is just the symptom of a lot of other problems.

I would recommend reading any relationship books by John Gottman.

And beyond that you probably really do need to talk to a lawyer or financial advisor or maybe both.
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Old 02-01-2015, 11:05 AM
 
5,573 posts, read 3,640,770 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blhablha View Post
Thanks everyone for the responses.
To follow up, and answer some questions:
- My mistake, I shouldn't have used SO, but was not in the mood for DH. We are married, and have two children, who are very attached to him.
- SO's parents say they have a life insurance policy that will take care of the debts and mortgages (only one property is mortgage-free). They have always lived beyond their means, always thinking that selling a property will bail them out.
- Because of the debts, the parents have cash flow problems, and need the entire rental income to pay mortgages and other bills. SO still hasn't done any spreadsheets to figure out what exactly is the net income from the apts.
- I have tried to separate finances but that caused awful confrontations and didn't lead anywhere. For now I do have a separate savings account that he can only access online, but doesn't have a card to. Also one joint checking where I put in a little money -- usually my tax refund -- for insurance premiums and other expenses.
- Cultural background makes it hard for me to bring up these subjects with the parents -- and posters are right, they likely think they are doing us a favor by having us stay with them (though this too was a cultural issue -- my SO is their only son)
You can't depend on life insurance.

They could let the policies lapse. They could not be paying enough and eventually they'll lapse anyways. They could not really cover everything. They could change the beneficiaries.

Dumping money into rentals can easily be a waste. You can put a fortune into a rental and possibly not see much of an increase in rental income.

Personally, I'd just open a checking account with just my name on it. Your money isn't his money.

I also wouldn't be putting any money into someone elses rentals waiting to inherit them. They could lose them in foreclosure or any number of other things can happen to them. I'd only be putting money in if I was given a degree of ownership before writing the check.
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Old 02-01-2015, 06:42 PM
 
3,558 posts, read 4,343,568 times
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First you say his inheritance will be split up between siblings, then later you say he's an only child. Which is it?
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Old 02-01-2015, 06:49 PM
 
8,686 posts, read 5,056,652 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by houstan-dan View Post
First you say his inheritance will be split up between siblings, then later you say he's an only child. Which is it?
She said he's an only son. The siblings are sisters.
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Old 02-02-2015, 10:22 AM
 
3,953 posts, read 3,181,769 times
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You sound like a cash cow for them. Everyone else is living high on the hog while you forced to pay all the bills.

Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?
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Old 02-02-2015, 12:50 PM
 
15,712 posts, read 9,207,244 times
Reputation: 14155
Quote:
Originally Posted by blhablha View Post
It's true, to avoid confrontation, I back down and am unable to enforce ultimatums or other promises.
Well, then you live with it until all your money is gone. It's a choice you've made.

Folks like your in-laws have perfected this tactic. They get what they want by being the bully. My MIL/SIL situation is like this. My SIL and her loser husband live high on the hog at my MIL's expense. They live in 2 homes on one property and supposedly split expenses. But every month my SIL has one reason or another that that they can't pay, so my MIL sends the money because she doesn't want to owe taxes, have her electricity cut off, etc. In the meantime my SIL goes on expensive trips and spends all kinds of money.

If my MIL tries to discuss the issue in ANY way, my SIL a) cuts off ties to her son, my MIL's only grandchild, b) stops speaking to her, or c) gets verbally abusive. In one instance, my SIL actually physically attacked my MIL. But whenever my husband tells his mom that HE'LL deal with his sister and the financial issues, she freaks out, because she's afraid of the confrontation. Obviously she finds the situation tolerable, or she would change it.

We've learned to leave them alone. And when his mom worries that she won't have enough money to retire on, we ignore her or tell her she can move in with her daughter. Because she CAN change the situation, she just refuses to.

Look up "co-dependency".......
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Old 02-03-2015, 01:02 PM
 
10 posts, read 12,889 times
Reputation: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by mysticaltyger View Post
Well it's not a good idea to give ultimatums unless you really are willing and able to follow through.

It sounds like you need some relationship advice more than money advice. Your real problems aren't about money at all. The lack of money is just the symptom of a lot of other problems.

I would recommend reading any relationship books by John Gottman.

And beyond that you probably really do need to talk to a lawyer or financial advisor or maybe both.
Thanks, yes, I think there is an underlying dysfunction and this is one of the manifestations.
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