Did you help your adult children substantially in getting financially established?
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We told our children we would loan them money for college but expected it to be paid back. We also told them that if they chose to go to an out of state collage they were on their own. We also encouraged them to work while at school.
The oldest went to a state collage, worked attended summer school and got out in 3 1/2 years with a teachers degree owing us @ 15,000.
Second child decided not to go to collage after graduating from high school. After marrying and having a child she decided to get a RN degree, which she did without our help. Later on a piece of property next to them came up for sale and they asked for a loan for a portion of the price. We loaned them the money.
Our youngest child entered collage as an engineering student. After one year he changed majors. He also worked some and went to summer school and even with changing majors he graduated in 4 years. He also ended up owing us @ 15,000.
We did provide a car for each of them and paid the insurance. We also gave each of them 3000 for their weddings. Not sure what each of them spent on their weddings, but the money covered most if not all of their expenses.
We forgave all their debts to us. I think the greatest gifts we gave to our children were a strong work ethic, not to expect anything free in life, and a philosophy that I think Dave Ramsey says best. Live today like no one else so tomorrow you can live like no one else.
I agree, I'm very grateful for my parents assistance between 18-21. All my friends who moved out age 18 are struggling financially and probably will for a long time...even community college in my state is expensive.
I don't think parents should pay for everything but providing help if your child has skin in the game, what's wrong with that?
College tuition has increased significantly since even I was in school...I did buy a car myself...nothing wrong with that. But kicking your kid out on their 18th birthday to fend for themselves isn't always the answer. Sometimes it is...but I wouldn't jump to it as a default.
I am eternally grateful to my parents for their help with college (undergrad) and with our first house.
I went away to college with a blank check. It was signed in my father's signature. I was instructed to fill out the amount and to pay the bursar.
My parents had money. They believe in education and home ownership.
No. They did not spoil us. No sports cars or diamond tennis bracelets.
Now my father is ill. I have helped my stepmom to make choices in regard to his care. I visit once a month - several states away, and spend time with him. Although he suffers from an age related memory impairment along with Parkinsonian symptoms, he is delighted to see me. I read to him from his favorite books. I look through photograph albums with him, and watch old movies. It is a joy to spend time with him!
As an inactive RN, I monitor his care givers. I give my step mother respite from his care.
This kicking kids out when they turn 18 seems to be a new and tragic phenomenon.
Parenthood is not an 18 year gig. You don't "punch out" when your child turns 18.
My parents paid for my first year of college in full. After that, they subsidized my rent payment for the other 3 years but I had to take out loans for the rest.
My dad bought me a car at age 17 that I drove until 28. They insured it until I was 26. It was a good investment - I needed that vehicle to get to/from work, school, etc... and I drove the wheels of that thing but always took very good care of it. I used it as a trade-in for my current vehicle.
My wife's parents paid for our wedding... although we had it at their house and the reception at their church's fellowship hall, so it didn't cost much. Basically, they paid for the catering, the bride's dress, decorations, flowers, etc... It was about $6K I think all told, the two single biggest expenses being the catering and photography.
From what I know of my peers, very many get significant help from their parents on a home down-payment. I've seen others get their homes paid off by parents. We did not get that, although my mom did pitch in $2K when our house needed a new roof.
If and when I have kids, I plan to buy a life insurance policy, pay into my state's pre-paid tuition plan, and have enough saved to buy a reasonable late-model car by their age 18.
I should point out that both m kids got hand me down vehicles, not new cars on their 16th bd or anything. My parents made sure there was an "extra" vehicle around when I started working too, but the first thing I bought was a car for myself while I was still living at home with them.
Sometimes people hear what other people do and jump to imagine best/worst case (ie: the new car on their 16th bd, etc.) without understanding the nuances that go into everyday living. Obviously there are always those cases where someone leaves home at 18 and never looks back and doesn't even accept a meal on their parents dime from that day forward, but I have to say that most people I've encountered have ongoing relationships with whatever is needed being given freely, or with stipulations. I talk with my son about this all the time, and tell him how easy it was to get semi professional track jobs right out of high school that let you share an apartment with a friend...and I'm talking Bay Area in the 70's and 80's. But he's facing a different reality right out of college.
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I think my mother would have wanted to help me and siblings more if she could have, but she just couldn't. However, she now wants to be repaid in a way, for her "investment" - raising us for 18 years + helping pay for college (total college costs more than repaid years ago btw).
I don't need parents who are willing to help me financially now in my 30s. I just wish I had parents who did not keep asking for money from me.
Sometimes doing the hard thing is the right thing. That resentment you're feeling is giving you a clue.
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