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Assuming you stay together can you get him to put his pay check in your account and you pay all the bills? Sounds like he can not handle finances.
Good luck
Your husband doesn't sound like a sociopath but more like a bi polar guy. Spending lots of money on new vehicles at frequent intervals is manic and no job. Moving into new digs a couple times in under a year, yeah the grand illusion, manic. Check it out.
You could be right, my old neighbor had bipolar and he kept getting new dogs and getting rid of the perfectly fine old ones , it wouldn't stop. He told me once that he would get up in the middle of the night and rearrange all the furniture in the house. I cant believe everybody is recommending divorce ? If I were OP I would first and foremost get my name off of anything that she has cosigned with him, vehicles , credit cards etc. It may be that they simply have to keep separate finances and pay 50/50 on the rent, utilities etc. I highly recommend listening to Dave Ramsey.
You could be right, my old neighbor had bipolar and he kept getting new dogs and getting rid of the perfectly fine old ones , it wouldn't stop. He told me once that he would get up in the middle of the night and rearrange all the furniture in the house. I cant believe everybody is recommending divorce ? If I were OP I would first and foremost get my name off of anything that she has cosigned with him, vehicles , credit cards etc. It may be that they simply have to keep separate finances and pay 50/50 on the rent, utilities etc. I highly recommend listening to Dave Ramsey.
People are recommending divorce because this guy is not merely financially irresponsible--that could be fixed by having her handle the money, etc. He spends on frivolous items even after having been told there is money trouble and he has made it clear that he doesn't want to hear that there is money trouble. He has gotten her to co-sign loans they cannot afford and has blown through a large amount of money in a short time. That is financial abuse.
The OP stated he "rages" when she tries to talk to him about their financial matters in order to get her to shut up about them. That is verbal abuse. He also displays an abuser pattern by expressing "remorse" afterwards by flowers and chocolates, etc.
I encouraged her to leave for several reasons: you can't change or help someone who doesn't want to change or be helped; many people escalate bad behavior over time and I would hate to see OP get into a situation like that. There is, of course, no guarantee that he would escalate, but it is not beyond the realm of possibility, especially if he has her isolated from friends and family by the moving around. There is already financial abuse and verbal abuse--it's not that big a step to add physical abuse. Once physical abuse starts it's really hard to get out.
Edited to add: as far as getting her name off co-signed notes, the lender would have to agree and to be willing to extend the credit to the husband in his name alone. If everything the op posted is true and accurate, my thought is that this is unlikely and that the husband has poor credit scores. I could, of course, be wrong and he might have stellar credit, but it would surprise me.
Last edited by Gusano; 08-06-2017 at 11:55 AM..
Reason: Typos
Despite the issues the OP is having with their husband, I still think they should see a counselor/psychologist first to see if the marriage can be salvaged. It will take him acknowledging he has an issue and a strong commitment by both parties to work through it. Lacking that, they should divorce asap for the OPs sake
He makes a financial mess and expects you to clean it up because you're the responsible one.
Stop enabling him.
When he rages, can you just walk away? Leave the house for a couple of hours until he calms down?
I am no help with the emotional side of this equation, but in terms of the finance side - here's how my wife and I have our accounts set up:
We have a joint account that I manage solely for joint expense purposes. Rent, utilities, cell phones, insurance, etc. It's a joint account but my wife knows not to touch it without talking about why first. For our own fun money, we each have our own individual checking accounts and a portion of our income (relative to the % we bring in annually) is put into those accounts monthly to do as we please - no questions asked.
For the joint bills you have, I would recommend that you get a checking account in your name only for the time being and do the same thing - if his check is direct deposited, then you can set aside $x.xx to his own account and $y.yy to the "bills" account. If you're truly going to be a partnership (which is what a true marriage should be) someone has to step up and call out the issues. If he's going to "rage" about this and not be open to a strategy that will help him and you get out of debt, then you've got to decide whether this is something you want to live with for the rest of your life or not and move forward quickly in that decision for your own sake.
I have been married to my husband for 2 years. Prior to him, my credit score was in the 800's and I had zero late payments and every bill was paid on the date it was due. My oh my how things have changed for the worse.
In the 3 yrs we have been together, he has somehow managed to lower my credit score by at least 90 points and has been the cause of much of my unhappiness. He convinced me to cosign on two of his prior vehicles because his credit is so terrible. He convinced me to open up new bills all in my name because his credit is so terrible. I received a very good severance pay from the military and he has basically assumed that since I came in to so much money at once, I should be the one to take care of all the bills and groceries until he can get back on his feet. We’ve moved cross country into 2 new homes in the span of 5 months and I have had to pay for everything because he has been in between jobs.
Now that he has a decent paying job, he can afford to help me out some as my severance pay is down to only 1500. Because I fronted the moving expenses of roughly $6,000, he agreed that he would pay our first months rent in an effort to repay me--which was half the actual rent, it was only $630. Now that rent is due along with his truck payment of which I am technically the owner of, he got upset with me when I asked if he could afford both payments. Mind you, rent is now 2 days late and his truck is now 10 days late. If I was not constantly on him about paying his damn bills, we would go bankrupt. The thing that stresses me out so much though is that I cannot talk to him about any of this because every time I do, he thinks i'm being too controlling and annoying and we get into big fights so I try to keep my mouth shut until the bills start piling up and I have no other option.
I don’t know why I am even writing this, I guess to just vent because I cannot vent to anyone else…surely not him. Finances have always been a serious thing for me and all of our bills are late whenever I put him in charge of paying them, but I can’t ask him to pay or depend on him paying them because they will never get paid..and he rages when I bring it up. I just want to cry everyday. When I do break down, he goes to the store and gets me chocolates and flowers and sweet talks me and it works until the next month when everything starts all over again. He makes me feel so guilty for not taking care of him or helping him out but he surely didn’t help me out when I have forked over thousands of dollars moving twice in the last few months. Rent is overdue, his truck payments are late, he owes thousands of dollars in student loans/credit cards, yet today he got upset because I didn't want him to buy me $150 worth of shoes. It's like he buys me this **** to cover the fact he can't pay the big bills and so that I don't get upset with him for it and will want to help him out all the time by paying his bills for him. I just want to cry.
Get a divorce. That's how I ended my problems of this type. I had a husband who thought he was a Rockefeller. Had to have top of the line everything. The smartest thing I ever did was refuse to have a joint checking account with him. He was in business for himself. He owed everyone. He was great at selling but terrible at managing money. I paid rent and cable and insurance. All he had to do was pay the utility bills. You know how many times the phone (before cell phones) was turned off? As soon as we were divorced, I got a promotion at work (nothing to do with the divorce), had no trouble living within my means and all of the stress was gone.
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