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Just give her $1k and be done with it. Tell her the rest will be used to buy YOU a replacement.
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7) use the rest to pay off HER loan in your name, and tell her so. Also explain as much as you Will never accept any gifts of any kind from her, that she will NEVER be able to borrow from you ever again.
Why not have a conversation with her and explain your intentions with the proceeds and see what ger expectations are especially in light of the other loans? Or just tell her to get bent
If it were me, knowing that she owes me money and that she knows it's a terrible time to ask for anything from me, no, I wouldn't give her a penny. I'd do as suggested and say, "Mom, if you're keeping score, then I don't have to remind you that some of my debt was caused by lending you money. I think we're even." And I agree that you should not accept anything from her again. Stop lending her money if you know her finances are in good shape.
I will say, that to me the OP's mom has an "interesting" personality (when it comes to money within the family, at least.
Is she generous or thoughtful enough to buy her a car? OR -- s super-duper manipulating, passive aggressive person, who is mega cunning in the way the tries to guilt and control people.
-- Give her the car....yet ask to borrow it, because she doesn't want to put miles on HER car.
-- Make it clear it's a gift, never ask for the money -- SHE borrow's it, it gets stolen, and SHE asks for money just because the car happen to have full coverage on it....that the OP was paying for.
-- AND has taken loans from the OP that she's never paid back?
I appreciate the responses so far, and for talking about this with me so I can figure it out. Now for those who are asking if the money is worth the relationship with my mom, but as I am a mother myself now, my question would be whether this was worth the relationship with the child. Everyone is mentioning that she did me a favor, but just because I choose not to use the money to replace a car I no longer need, is it still not helping me because I want to use the money for something else that is important? It would be one thing if I said I was going to take a vacation with the money. I want to pay off my debt (hello, student loans). Get caught up on my bills. Keep food in my child's stomach. 2017 was a really ****ty year for me, my marriage, my family in general. My mother is aware of this. As I previously stated, I do not ask my mom for money for any reason. Even with knowing that she could have helped me out if she wanted, I didn't bother because she's not obligated to. As for the relationship, I honestly think it would still be compromised because it would hurt that I had an opportunity to get my household in order, and she wants to take that from me for some unknown reason. 5k isn't going to do much for her, besides maybe fund another vacation. Why does her money matter for buying the car, but my money doesn't matter for maintaining the car, maintaining FULL COVERAGE insurance? For keeping the car in good enough condition to be worth 5k? If anything, SHE depreciated the value of the car by the trips out of town. I didn't ask her to pay for anything regarding this car since the day I got the keys.It would be one thing if my mom needed this money. I would hand it over and shut up. My issue is that she has no real reason to ask for it, other than for the sake of asking. Someone mentioned on here that they have a hard time telling their mom no. Yeah, same boat here and I feel like she is taking advantage of an opportunity where she thinks I won't say no again.
Edited to add: No, I would never stop communication with my mom over any amount of money. Now would she stop talking to me? It wouldn't surprise me if she did. It's a matter of whether I actually owe her anything.
You keep bringing up what she has versus what you have, how far $5K will take you versus how little she needs it. This is irrelevant.
What matters first and foremost is if the car is justifiably hers and I think it most definitely is. This isn't finders keepers. She very clearly bought you the car to drive around and I think even if she changes her mind about your ownership of it and wants the cash "windfall" from the theft then that is her right. If what you say about both your mothers and your financial situations is true then I think it's ****ty of her to do but it's still her right to demand that money.
Lets put it another way. If she fell on hard times and needed a car, would you have given her that car back or would you have kept it for yourself, even if you didn't need it? I would hope you'd say you would give it to her. Financial situation should have no bearing on this matter. It's about doing the right thing, even if it sucks sometimes.
For just the fryer, it was about 2.5k. For all the other money we loaned over the years, I would say its about 12k total. One of my debts is actually a 4k loan we took out for her, so I'm thinking something along the lines of telling her that the check is going towards that loan she never paid us back for.
I'm just seeing this for the first time. If this is true then you definitely owe her nothing at this point. However you're going to have serious issues with the relationship moving forward. For me, the relationship would have been ruined the moment I loaned my mom anything that she didn't pay back. You and your husband need to stop loaning money!
You keep bringing up what she has versus what you have, how far $5K will take you versus how little she needs it. This is irrelevant.
What matters first and foremost is if the car is justifiably hers and I think it most definitely is. This isn't finders keepers. She very clearly bought you the car to drive around and I think even if she changes her mind about your ownership of it and wants the cash "windfall" from the theft then that is her right. If what you say about both your mothers and your financial situations is true then I think it's ****ty of her to do but it's still her right to demand that money.
Lets put it another way. If she fell on hard times and needed a car, would you have given her that car back or would you have kept it for yourself, even if you didn't need it? I would hope you'd say you would give it to her. Financial situation should have no bearing on this matter. It's about doing the right thing, even if it sucks sometimes.
At this point, the way I see it (and as I mentioned above) is that her money may have paid for the car but my money paid for the insurance that warranted this check in the first place. If I had decided to only have liability, and didn't have coverage for theft, I doubt she would still be asking for any payment for this car. My investment in this is just as important. I keep bringing up finances because it has been asked numerous times what she's asking for the money for. I said I didn't know because her finances are fine. So yeah, it was kind of relevant.
I also disagree that she has a right to anything because my name was on everything regarding this car. She gave up the right to really demand anything when she decided to do that.
And yes, if she did fall on hard times, I would let her use the car, which I did let her use to ride around in because she didn't want the mileage on her own car hence why she had the car in the first place when it was taken.
I'm just seeing this for the first time. If this is true then you definitely owe her nothing at this point. However you're going to have serious issues with the relationship moving forward. For me, the relationship would have been ruined the moment I loaned my mom anything that she didn't pay back. You and your husband need to stop loaning money!
Well I tend to rugsweep (is that a word?) a lot of things because I am non-confrontational. That is why I honestly have never brought it up. I guess that it why this bothers me so much and I am at the point where enough is enough. I also wanted to know whether I should go ahead and start on the debt because I don't want my emotions involved in this decision regarding the check. She has literally called me everyday, sometimes three times a day asking about this money.
Couple years ago, my husband and I were doing okay and we had saved up a little money. We thought we were helping family when she got in a rut, But my the tables turned so quickly when we were the ones who found ourselves on the other side of the spectrum. This job he recently got is pretty okay in income for our area, so with this income we already had a LONG talk about our finances. We don't owe anyone a damn thing, and aren't going to allow anyone to make us feel guilty for saying no because they are our parents (we also loaned money to his mom, whole other issue for another day). We are relatively young (I'll be 25 next month and he is 26) and found ourselves being taken advantage of a lot. Last year really opened our eyes to a lot of things, including how family doesn't always have our best interests in mind. So, no there will be no more loaning money.
. Last year really opened our eyes to a lot of things, including how family doesn't always have our best interests in mind. So, no there will be no more loaning money.
that is the best policy. if there was to be any loaning, clearly there needs to be something in writing and all the terms need to be respected. it seems like things are too open for interpretation which causes problems.
i have loaned my wife's mother and father money. honestly, i couldnt care less if they pay me back or not. its like gifts with the benefit of maybe getting paid back. but they are relatively small amounts to me. i am not sure at what point i would start caring. it doesnt seem like you are in any position to be loaning money. you need to look out for yourself first. also, its best not to accept money as loans or gifts. after my dad helped me with my first apartment, i offered to pay him back monthly. he said no (which i think is appropriate) but id rather make the payments than not be clear on what expectations are.
I will say, that to me the OP's mom has an "interesting" personality (when it comes to money within the family, at least.
Is she generous or thoughtful enough to buy her a car? OR -- s super-duper manipulating, passive aggressive person, who is mega cunning in the way the tries to guilt and control people.
-- Give her the car....yet ask to borrow it, because she doesn't want to put miles on HER car.
-- Make it clear it's a gift, never ask for the money -- SHE borrow's it, it gets stolen, and SHE asks for money just because the car happen to have full coverage on it....that the OP was paying for.
-- AND has taken loans from the OP that she's never paid back?
What the heck?
I was thinking the same thing.
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