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Old 09-11-2018, 06:38 PM
 
892 posts, read 480,018 times
Reputation: 704

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My older sister was made conservator when my father died in March 2017.
I received a message this afternoon about being sent mail concerning my mother's
situation (she has dementia) from my sister. She said that the law firm asked for my
address unit so that they could send my mail to me. And then she told the law firm to send
that mail to her instead, claiming "mail system problems" (no such problem exists where
I live) keeping my mail from being delivered directly to me.


Her husband is a controlling man, and monitors her calls and letters. He tried to get money
out of both my parents when my father was alive, and my father was afraid of him. I don't
want my important legal mail controlled by him, either.


I understand if my sister is scared too, but I have a right to be sent my own mail and paperwork
to look over and sign. Does my sister have a legal right to decide how I get my own mail? And
without asking for my consent or input first?


Needless to say, I contacted the law firm right away and told them to *only* send my mail
to my address, including my whole address in my e-mail.
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Old 09-11-2018, 09:56 PM
 
Location: Ohio
24,623 posts, read 19,077,671 times
Reputation: 21738
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jezku View Post
My older sister was made conservator when my father died in March 2017.
I received a message this afternoon about being sent mail concerning my mother's
situation (she has dementia) from my sister. She said that the law firm asked for my
address unit so that they could send my mail to me. And then she told the law firm to send
that mail to her instead, claiming "mail system problems" (no such problem exists where
I live) keeping my mail from being delivered directly to me.


Her husband is a controlling man, and monitors her calls and letters. He tried to get money
out of both my parents when my father was alive, and my father was afraid of him. I don't
want my important legal mail controlled by him, either.


I understand if my sister is scared too, but I have a right to be sent my own mail and paperwork
to look over and sign. Does my sister have a legal right to decide how I get my own mail? And
without asking for my consent or input first?


Needless to say, I contacted the law firm right away and told them to *only* send my mail
to my address, including my whole address in my e-mail.
As a conservator, you basically function in loco parentis.

That is to say, you are your mother's parent.

As the conservator for your mother, you are her advocate, and you perform all the duties your mother cannot due to her condition (dementia), such as paying her bills, ensuring she has continued medical treatment and attends her appointments with doctors.

That does not mean you have to drive her to the doctor, it simply means you're responsible for scheduling with Medicaid/Medicare to have a car service take her to her appointments.

You will handle all of the Medicaid/Medicare issues.

You will also ensure she has food, by contacting your county or State services to schedule "meals-on-wheels" or whatever social services are available in her area for her.

If she is unable to maintain her home, you will schedule a cleaning service to come round once a week, or twice a month or once a month as necessary to clean up.

You are responsible for ensuring repairs to her home are effected as needed, whether that's having pest control come round and spray for insects, or repairing the roof, siding or windows.

You will monitor and maintain her bank accounts, debts and financial assets, too.

You need to have a Come-to-Jesus meeting with the attorneys, and explain to them in no uncertain terms that you and you alone are conservator, and that all correspondence will be directed to you and no one else, and that they will speak to you and you alone regarding your mother, and if they cannot perform those duties properly, they can explain why they are unable to do so to your county or State Bar Association.
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Old 09-12-2018, 05:22 AM
 
23,559 posts, read 70,077,656 times
Reputation: 49066
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jezku View Post
My older sister was made conservator when my father died in March 2017.
I received a message this afternoon about being sent mail concerning my mother's
situation (she has dementia) from my sister. She said that the law firm asked for my
address unit so that they could send my mail to me. And then she told the law firm to send
that mail to her instead, claiming "mail system problems" (no such problem exists where
I live) keeping my mail from being delivered directly to me.


Her husband is a controlling man, and monitors her calls and letters. He tried to get money
out of both my parents when my father was alive, and my father was afraid of him. I don't
want my important legal mail controlled by him, either.


I understand if my sister is scared too, but I have a right to be sent my own mail and paperwork
to look over and sign. Does my sister have a legal right to decide how I get my own mail? And
without asking for my consent or input first?


Needless to say, I contacted the law firm right away and told them to *only* send my mail
to my address, including my whole address in my e-mail.
You covered your bases. IIRC, conservators have to report to a court periodically on how any money is being spent. If you have concerns about the husband you may have interest in reviewing those reports. People get in BIG trouble for mishandling a conservatorship. Judges are not kind to those stealing when they have been selected by the court to protect.
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Old 09-12-2018, 11:52 AM
 
892 posts, read 480,018 times
Reputation: 704
Thank you for the information on what my sister's role is in being the conservator.
As far as receiving mail meant for me, the law firm did the right thing by asking for
my unit number to send that mail directly to me. My sister should have let them have
that address with my consent, rather than ignoring my input and having it sent to her instead. Speculation about how things are where I live are not a substitute for the facts
of how things actually are; she did, however call back and say she was going to tell the law firm to send my mail directly to me. But that only happened after I called back to correct her, notify the caretaker about this issue, and contact the law firm to tell them the information about the address they asked for myself. This happened the first time after my father died, with the same claims about non-existent "mail system problems"--I received all paperwork, and had an excellent, documented correspondence with the financial advisor with successful results. It seems my sister doesn't want me to have
control over my own future, but she doesn't have control in her marriage or in the workplace, either--so this may be a lame attempt to 'control' me to feel 'powerful'.
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Old 09-12-2018, 11:53 AM
 
892 posts, read 480,018 times
Reputation: 704
(That said, at this point, a topic more relevant to the "Psychology" forum area ; )
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Old 09-12-2018, 12:12 PM
 
Location: Raleigh
13,652 posts, read 12,310,989 times
Reputation: 20094
No, you need to tell the law firm in no uncertain terms that mail meant for you, is sent to you, where you dictate it to be sent to.

Although, most communications from the law firm will likely be with your Sister, since she is the conservator and not you.
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Old 09-12-2018, 06:24 PM
 
892 posts, read 480,018 times
Reputation: 704
Thank you, Jonov--my thoughts exactly.
It helps to know how this process about my mail starts; last time I was told I'd get mail and had to contact the financial advisor for it, and he let me know I wasn't even in their records. But he and I continued this process until the end, me also getting calls my sister told me I was supposed to get--and then telling me I 'didn't need to talk to the rep' as well as being told "you don't need to know or understand what you are signing". If I hadn't contacted the financial advisor (who oversaw the original financial advisor's errors with my paperwork), I would probably not have gotten my death benefit check. It also didn't help that her husband was grabbing my father's mail and claiming she 'didn't know anything', as if she wasn't "really" the conservator. pretty awful. I'm making sure this situation isn't repeated again,
because the same excuse (lie) is being claimed all over again 'as if' the mail system prevented all that mail the first time from getting through. obviously, that never was a problem for me in the first place.
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Old 09-13-2018, 11:19 AM
 
892 posts, read 480,018 times
Reputation: 704
(I called the law firm and repeated my address; it sounded like they didn't hear anything about my address until then. Once again "words" don't necessarily equal actions)
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Old 09-17-2018, 05:58 PM
 
892 posts, read 480,018 times
Reputation: 704
good news--my first piece of mail arrived this afternoon, complete with "rundown" of actions taken since this conservatorship began.
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Old 09-17-2018, 07:55 PM
 
9,446 posts, read 6,538,935 times
Reputation: 18898
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jezku View Post
good news--my first piece of mail arrived this afternoon, complete with "rundown" of actions taken since this conservatorship began.

That must be a relief! It's good that you'll be able to see if there is any hanky panky going on. I hope all goes well for you.
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