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Old 11-19-2008, 11:40 AM
 
19 posts, read 30,951 times
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I would like to know if there is any advice on what it takes to make a decision that has a big financial impact on a spouse who decides to move out of the family home. Within one month I found an apartment to rent, agreed to rent this and than declined over cold feet. I took almost another month to find another apartment placed a deposit on this but became very sick this morning and starting getting so scared that I backed out of that apartment also. My situation is this, I am in my 50ís, have not worked for over 6 years, helped my husband and mother thru my unemployment time. The economy is bad, the employment is down, and I am so scared that if I move out on my own, my husband may divorce me fast, and I will lose health benefits that he carries. I have been seeing a therapist & doctor who feel I need to move out due to the stressful situation of my overspending husband. I can't seem to stick to one decision, what is wrong with me? Please offer suggestions, I am so upset with myself, this apartment was so very nice, but I was afraid I would not find a job, and than find I would not be able to afford the rent and utilities and than came all the thoughts of what could go wrong.
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Old 11-19-2008, 12:29 PM
 
Location: Derby, KS
3,832 posts, read 8,031,849 times
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That's a tough one. Have you looked into private health insurance costs? I know a lot of people are scared to go this route because they hear it's expensive. But we're talking about $300-$400/mo. I realize that's no small amount of cash if you are already pushing the envelope but at the same time it's not insurmountable if you can find a job (or two) that could cover the rent and this.
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Old 11-19-2008, 01:50 PM
 
Location: Southwest Missouri
1,921 posts, read 4,147,211 times
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Have you started looking for employment yet? If possible, I would try to line that up first. Otherwise, I'm not sure how you're going to establish a budget and know what you can afford?
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Old 11-19-2008, 03:13 PM
 
19 posts, read 30,951 times
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Originally Posted by drjones96 View Post
That's a tough one. Have you looked into private health insurance costs? I know a lot of people are scared to go this route because they hear it's expensive. But we're talking about $300-$400/mo. I realize that's no small amount of cash if you are already pushing the envelope but at the same time it's not insurmountable if you can find a job (or two) that could cover the rent and this.
I did discuss that option with my therapist, I just felt my husband would want to stall the divorce for a good two years and I would have time to get a full time job with benefits. Given my situation as of now, I really think that if I move out without a job, my husband will make this divorce a sure and fast thing, and their goes my health insurance. That is a scary thought when I do use my health benefits on a regular basis. I feel so disgusted with my part in this situation, I should have made better choices.
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Old 11-19-2008, 03:24 PM
 
19 posts, read 30,951 times
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Originally Posted by 8 SNAKE View Post
Have you started looking for employment yet? If possible, I would try to line that up first. Otherwise, I'm not sure how you're going to establish a budget and know what you can afford?
I have looked and sent out resumes and recently talked with a manager from the nursing home which my mother is a resident. The job would be part time but I feel with all that I have on my plate, the part time job would allow me to get acclimated into working again. I can than pursue something full time with benefits. I just had high hopes and felt so good about the move that this morning was an eye opener and it hit me so hard to think I am still stuck here.
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Old 11-19-2008, 08:36 PM
 
Location: Apple Valley Calif
7,405 posts, read 11,989,590 times
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Have you talked to an attorney? Yes, start looking for a job before moving. I think an attorney will tell you hub will have to keep you on his insurance as part of the divorce settlement.
You need legal advice, badly...1
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Old 11-19-2008, 08:50 PM
 
Location: Great State of Texas
75,294 posts, read 36,449,990 times
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I agree with Donn2390..go see a lawyer. Moving out will not solve your problems, especially if you have no job and are currently relying on your husbands insurance for medical treatment.

Why would your therapist tell you to move out knowing you have no job ? Put the therapist on hold until you talk to a lawyer IMHO.
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Old 11-19-2008, 11:45 PM
 
Location: Some place very cold
5,503 posts, read 14,075,332 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by onestepcloser View Post
I would like to know if there is any advice on what it takes to make a decision that has a big financial impact on a spouse who decides to move out of the family home. Within one month I found an apartment to rent, agreed to rent this and than declined over cold feet. I took almost another month to find another apartment placed a deposit on this but became very sick this morning and starting getting so scared that I backed out of that apartment also. My situation is this, I am in my 50’s, have not worked for over 6 years, helped my husband and mother thru my unemployment time. The economy is bad, the employment is down, and I am so scared that if I move out on my own, my husband may divorce me fast, and I will lose health benefits that he carries. I have been seeing a therapist & doctor who feel I need to move out due to the stressful situation of my overspending husband. I can't seem to stick to one decision, what is wrong with me? Please offer suggestions, I am so upset with myself, this apartment was so very nice, but I was afraid I would not find a job, and than find I would not be able to afford the rent and utilities and than came all the thoughts of what could go wrong.
Hmmm. this is a tricky situation and I can clearly see why you are so ridden with anxiety. I especially understand your concerns over money and security. Maybe an apartment is too much. What about renting a room temporarily? This way you can adjust to being on your own and living away from the husband. Once you move away from him, you might be able to think more clearly about health insurance, and job, etc.

It's difficult to know what your situation is exactly, but I think you need to decide what the priority is. Is getting away from HIM a priority? Then get yourself to someplace "safe" where you can think clearly and sort through these other items lower on the list.

Splitting up is VERY stressful. It's a time of confusion and it is not unusual to feel stuck or frozen in anxiety. Some of your anxiety is very real, but some you are creating. I would say take baby steps. Find a place that is cheap to live, even if it is a room or a very small studio apartment.

And YES, see a lawyer. There are some very wise women on this forum, so listen to them. Many have been around the block a few times!

Woofers
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Old 11-20-2008, 06:53 AM
 
19 posts, read 30,951 times
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I did talk to an attorney; back in April 2008 I served him divorce papers because of my legal financial obligation of his overspending. When I first filed the papers, the therapist and doctor wanted me to move out, get stronger emotionally and start looking for a job. BUT we decided to reconcile and work on selling all items bought on auction sites and go for marriage counseling. We never went for marriage counseling and I saw my helping to sell only provided money to buy more. I finally agreed to act on their advice, but the economy took some major hits and than I got cold feet. I contacted my lawyer when I paid deposit on apartment, she told me he may decide to push for the divorce and than that was when all my fears set in, I feel like such a mess. I really felt so good about the apartment starting a new life, now I am so very sad and emotionally spent.
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Old 11-20-2008, 06:55 AM
 
19 posts, read 30,951 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Donn2390 View Post
Have you talked to an attorney? Yes, start looking for a job before moving. I think an attorney will tell you hub will have to keep you on his insurance as part of the divorce settlement.
You need legal advice, badly...1
I did talk to an attorney; back in April 2008 I served him divorce papers because of my legal financial obligation of his overspending. When I first filed the papers, the therapist and doctor wanted me to move out, get stronger emotionally and start looking for a job. BUT we decided to reconcile and work on selling all items bought on auction sites and go for marriage counseling. We never went for marriage counseling and I saw my helping to sell only provided money to buy more. I finally agreed to act on their advice, but the economy took some major hits and than I got cold feet. I contacted my lawyer when I paid deposit on apartment, she told me he may decide to push for the divorce and than that was when all my fears set in, I feel like such a mess. I really felt so good about the apartment starting a new life, now I am so very sad and emotionally spent.
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