Help! Am I stuck here? (payment, real estate, sell, interest)

[insearchof]

Hi, this is my first post here on this site.

I grew up in CA, spent many years there, in 2001 I made a HUGE move, I left cali for good and moved sight unseen to Alaska, this was done however after I had researched it online... I am a single mom and left behind an adult son with whom I had been living with as he was in the military (he's since gotten out) I brought with me my 2 younger kids, they are now 13 & 9 yrs old B/G.

So here I am, feeling stuck! I am miserably lonely, I cannot stand the eternal winters, I'm not into hunting, fishing, boating, or the 2 other 'cliques' that my area has; druggies and churchies I have not met any decent men, marriages here is a matter of 'waiting your turn'... I've homeschooled my kids the last 2 yrs because I do not care for the 2 choices of schools here
quite frankly, we are ALL isolated, people here just are NOT that friendly, can't get close to them as they stick to one another in one of the above named groups so, i'm either IN or NOT
because of a permanant disabilty, my income is from of social security which, would follow me & my kids to any state, I did purchase my very first home 4 yrs ago and although my house in and of itself is charming along with a very low mortgage payment, there is no decent shopping in my area let alone medical care, its the WORST!
I would never ever go back to CA and am not well traveled having visited only a few places... I would love to have 4 seasons but I can't tolerate Xtreme heat & humidity like in the southern states!
we have NO family outside of CA and other than my ds, i'm not close to anyone there anyway.
sorry to whine but I really have to do something

[MsV]

Hi insearchof, I can hear how lonely it sounds. After doing the research, did you find some of the comfort you were looking for, at least in the beginning? I'm not sure about the housing market in Alaska now, but what prevents you and the kids from relocating again, this time checking out more suitable places for yourselves? Your response to your current environment sounds on target. Identify what you want in a community this time around...there is nothing that says you can't move on again.

[insearchof]

Msv, in the beginning yes, I was happy, I had never lived with snow before and did very well tolerating the weather here, I 'thought' nature at its best was the place I wanted for my kids but in reality, I am not into the 4 wheeling, hiking, camping type.
One thing that I did not research enough was the *quality* of education for my kids... AK is hell bent on teaching native alaskan history OVER good ole US History, the schools are horrible.
I want museums, theatre, parks, farmers markets, music, opportunities for sports year round for my ds, REAL culture, vintage and antique shops (I collect vintage items ) I can't even find dance classes in say, classical ballet for my dd or music lessons.

Guess, i'm just afraid of doing it all over again I do have a long mortgage left on my house and houses are just not selling here so I wonder what I could do with mine? renting it out is not an option when one lives way up here.

[MsV]

I hear you, and I can only imagine making the move alone with the kids (without another adult), is scarier even moreso. I think your kids are old enough to tell them that you had higher hopes than what you are all living, and then wonder aloud with them about what they want in a community. Then (this sounds so simplistic) I'd put my house on the market and plan to research even further where I want to move this time. With the market as it is everywhere, you'll be prepared whenever your home sells...don't rent, cut your ties and move forward whenever it sells. Your 'wish list' of what you're missing and would like in your life, sounds reasonable, realistic, comfy, cozy and interactive with lots of other people around...opps to meet new friends.
Where is your older child going to live permanently and do you want to be closer to him/her? There are scads of lovely smaller towns closer to the mainland US, that are super reasonable to live in. But that comes later. Do you have a friend/ pastor/ counselor you can hash this topic out with? I'll bet you could find someone who would love to hear your feelings...even if you are not religious, religions offer (free) counseling.
Honestly, in my life I have often made choices which only ended up clarifying for myself what I didn't want...not what I planned. Let me know your thoughts. I feel for you being so alone up there. MsV

[insearchof]

MsV, my older son age 27 lives/works/plays in CA, he truly loves it there and wishes to remain there, he is afterall, an adult and i'm sure eventually will settle down and marry.
as for my 2 other kids, son age 13 and daughter age 9, both realize we are SO alone and that ak did not turn out to be the best match... I think my son in cali put it best when he said to me, 'you went, you proved, you conqured, you did it!', he seems to think that I belong on the East Coast i've never been there but then again, i'd never been to ak either.
I do have a counselor that I can see, last time I did was 11/2006 I had mentioned leaving the state, her opinion, give it time.... its been 6 yrs 3mo's, I think that is long enough.

[MsV]

I think it's long enough too! I am a counselor, and I promise you that you need to go back to her/him (if you liked her) and tell her you've decided you need to work on a change now, to save your sanity. It's your life and business - her job is to help you find options to your dilemmas, not to make your life decisions for you. She may have meant by 'give it time' that she was hoping to get more time with you before making such a big decision. She would respect you if you clarified what you want and let her know you're ready to work on concrete solutions to your concerns.

Sounds like your older son takes some pride in your moving you all to AK. Well, it's time to show him and the younger ones how to continue working towards a happy life...it doesn't end until you are happy. They are watching and learning from how you handle this situation.

Why the East coast, especially if you've never been there? I will admit that I can't think of an affordable (good/safe) area in or near CA ... but why the East Coast? There is so much to see and do in Middle America that would cost you less...and today most large cities have cultural aspects like the big cities. Why would you go from lonely in AK to the big bad east coast where you know no one? Do you have any family or friends anywhere in the US that you wouldn't mind being nearer? Looking for your thoughts.

[insearchof]

MsV, I guess the East Coast appeals to me in that it has NY, New England, it just looks sounds so...Norman Rockwell
I have actually thought of middle US as in the midwest states, no I have no family anywhere other than CA and now that I know you are a counselor, I suffer from PTSD that stems from a very hard long life in CA whereas the abuse came from my so-called family or as I prefer to call them, relatives.

I agree, my children have indeed seen me struggle here and although I love my house... its just a house, WE make it a home or any other place for that matter. So my income other than my social security, would vary from state - state, AK pays higher than CA but then again, food costs on average .50 -$1 more than you'd pay elsewhere and I do need to have resources available to help me with my physical disabilty as in good medical care, it is downright shameful here! my 13 y o ds needs the stimulation of a community, heck! I need that, I WANT so much just to 'belong' and be needed.

[MsV]

I'm from NY originally and you're right, NE does look and appear Normal Rockwell-ish, the reality is that NY is expensive, crowded & dirty, and will expose your children to things you don't want them to learn, and it's not worth living there just to visit NE a couple times a year. My opinion only is that moving to the east coast right now would be for you about as helpful as moving to Alaska was...no matter how good my research would show AK to be, I would have assumed it to be isolating...so I'm not surprised with your perceptions.

It does sound like you have been through some tough times. Keep in mind that most of us suffer from PTSD to one degree or another, and that you can move forward from that diagnosis by clarifying for yourself
(1) what was traumatic/damaging about your history & why,
(2) what you feel would be better for you to experience, and
(3) what you're missing in your life to support you in your search for peace of mind and happiness.
You are only asking for what we all want, we're all trying to find a safe place to be. How about friends, do you have any who know that you're struggling?

I didn't realize SS varies state to state - that is a problem, bec if you go to a sweet small-town middle-atlantic state, you'll receive lots less than if you go to NY or somewhere else. After you move, could you do anything on the side, like crafts, bbsitting, dog watching, helping folks out...market yourself in any way that wouldn't further hurt you physically?

Once you get to a better area, with good medical care, I'm 99% certain that you will find support groups to help make your living with a disability more manageable...plus possibly some YWCA-like places where you can get involved with others - opportunities to make friends again. My guess is that you could facilitate the meetings yourself, with your experiences.

Without knowing you, it's tough to say this, but getting back to a counselor, it's time to practice being more assertive about directing your life. Are you insured? If you can do it, go back to the counselor, or find another one, and insist on being heard. Don't let anyone ever make life decisions for you - if you want to consider a possible move again now, then that is what you are paying them to discuss with you.

Meanwhile, I'm going to look into any services in AK - what town are you in?

[Sam I Am]

Originally Posted by insearchof

MsV, I guess the East Coast appeals to me in that it has NY, New England, it just looks sounds so...Norman Rockwell
I need that, I WANT so much just to 'belong' and be needed.

ISO - I think maybe you are doing what we all do - looking at someplace and thinking it might be a fit. We did the same thing and went to the Caribbean, where the culture and the cost of living shocked us back to the mainland in 13 months....and now we are buying a house next door to the house we sold when we left. Life's funny.....you go off and come back to find yourself 60 feet from where you started from (and a LOT poorer).

The Caribbean looked so "tropical" - and it was - but lifestyle is so much more than looking like a Jimmy Buffett picture or a Norman Rockwell painting. I think you would be very happy in a pretty small town in the midwest or southeastern part of the country. Small towns have their own charm - you could find one that is close enough for good medical care and the cost of living is lower. Although your SS income might be lower, if the cost of living is lower it all balances out (for the record, I didn't know that about Social Security either. Interesting.) The midwest and south, generally speaking, tend to be very friendly places.

I think you've given it enough time as well. Sometimes you just know when you don't fit and will never fit (at least we did). There's so much on the internet now - you can topic surf about any state or region or city and perhaps you could narrow it down that way. Unfortunately, nothing is really going to tell you if you "fit" until you get there unless you can take an extended vacation, which it doesn't sound like you can....but even though it takes a while for houses to sell, it WILL sell if it's priced right. In the meantime, as the other poster said, start researching and hang your hat on that. MsV has given you very good advice, but you ultimately are in control of your life and your health and your childrens' well-being. You can do this! Plan carefully and plan to get involved in the new community to whatever degree you can - I would imagine anywhere that it doesn't snow and isn't dark a lot of the year would be an improvement!

I am going to step out on a limb and say that your statement about wanting and needed to be needed is at the center of all of this....even if you don't do anything for pay, if you are able to do volunteer work there is something very rewarding in that, and you ARE wanted and needed, whether it be by children or others who are more seriously disabled, or the elderly - or the animal shelter or any other civic group you can dream of. There's a great deal of satisfaction in knowing you are making a small difference.....it's one little step at a time.

Good luck to you.....

[fusky25]

I am so sorry to hear your story. My advice, what are you doing there. Pack your young boys up and head to the suburbs of Houston, Texas. If you want friendly people -t his is the place to go. We visited and even the local walmart clerk hugged me when she heard me say we bought a real estate property home in spring, texas. frindly folk, warmer climate. good luck. we live in nj for now but working on a big move within the next few years. all the best. if you need a good agent, i can recommend mine and she is not pushy.