U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Philosophy
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 07-09-2013, 09:38 PM
 
Location: USA
1,589 posts, read 1,733,011 times
Reputation: 1630

Advertisements

Polyamory has benefits. But in many cases it can't work because of jealousy.

So, here is something good, but it can't work because of jealousy.

We have to be in monogomous relationships because we are too jealous. Is being jealous a good thing or a bad thing?

Here is a case for polyamory:

People have many different needs. And usually, it's hard to meet those needs with just one person. For example, some like someone to read poetry with, someone to play sports with, someone to cook with, someone to have sex with in different ways.

So in monogamous relationships, one person usually can't fulfill all the different desires and you usually have to go without a few things. (and that's probably why lots of people get tired and bored in their life).

In polyamorous relationships you can be much happier as all your needs could be met by different people.

So the only thing that stands between us and lots of happiness is the fact that we are jealous and we can't handle to share our loved ones with others. It seems as though in our society it's noble NOT TO SHARE the love!

Why is it so noble? Isn't it more noble to be generous, to not mind sharing with others, to stop being jealous and saying "mine" "mine"?

What is bad about sharing? Logically speaking. I know that emotions will start screaming at us as soon as we think about it. But again, it's only because we are so jealous, insecure and for some reason believe that a person can love only one person at a time.

But if there was no jealousy, no insecurity, is there anything bad about sharing? If you could truly believe that your lover truly loves you (but also loves someone else), would you mind sharing him/her if you were not jealous about it?

So on Monday you spend time with John and have great sex. On Wednesday you meet Eddie and have the greatest time discussing some spiritual things. On Friday you go out to eat with Paul and have lots of fun doing things that the two of you love doing. While you are away with Paul, your John and Eddie are having good times with others they know and love...

Now, think about a very long life. Imagine that you can live for a 1000 years instead of 80. Now imagine yourself with one person for a 1000 years... Considering that most people get bored with their marriages in 20 years, it's hard to imagine what would happen in 500...? On the other hand, imagine that you have many lovers and great close friends that you can do different things with...

So, I would say, that in a society which learned the secret of eternal life (or a long life), in order to be happy, it would be necessary to have poly relationships...

So given the choice between jealousy and polyamory, it's jealousy that needs to be eliminated...

Last edited by LoveWisdom; 07-09-2013 at 09:47 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 07-09-2013, 09:51 PM
 
13,677 posts, read 13,590,780 times
Reputation: 39892
I don't think there's anything wrong with polyamory, but I don't want to be involved in it - and it's not because of jealousy. I like simplicity. When you have more than two people involved in any sort of sexual relationship, it gets complicated. I mean that's pretty much as close to law of nature as you can get: The more factors, the greater the complication. Between work, pets, being a homeowner, my numerous hobbies, maintaining relationships with family and friends, I frankly don't have time to involve myself with more than one partner or have a partner who can't prioritize me.

I got involved with an old flame after his divorce when he was playing the field. I wasn't looking for anything exclusive and didn't mind that he had a few other "regular" dates he would see, especially since I was living a few hours away. Poor guy was overwhelmed trying to treat all his women with equal regard - I actually ended up taking pity on him and led him on a shopping trip to buy each of the others little gifts for Christmas. Waaay too complicated and stressful - and there wasn't any jealousy involved. We all met each other and were quite cordial and unthreatened.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-09-2013, 10:28 PM
 
1,765 posts, read 2,444,475 times
Reputation: 1536
Some people don't long to be in more relationships than one. And I get so annoyed when people act as though one "needs" to be with more than one person when it's not true. Sex, on an individual level, isn't a need! The thing that also irks me at times is when I hear people who want to indulge in polyamory say, "I could always use more love." There's more than one way to experience love. There's many different types of love as well. I love my mother. I don't want to have sex with her. I love my father. Sex is the furthest from my mind.

To say that people who only want monogamy are "jealous" is like saying that people who indulge in polyamory are simply greedy or unsettled, possibly also lusty and looking to have sexual fantasies fulfilled. Is that not also a possibility? That perhaps they're going after more than one person because they haven't found satisfaction in themselves?

Some people simply don't long for more than one.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-20-2013, 05:10 PM
 
12,886 posts, read 15,429,995 times
Reputation: 14853
Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveWisdom View Post

Now, think about a very long life. Imagine that you can live for a 1000 years instead of 80. Now imagine yourself with one person for a 1000 years... Considering that most people get bored with their marriages in 20 years, it's hard to imagine what would happen in 500...? On the other hand, imagine that you have many lovers and great close friends that you can do different things with...

So, I would say, that in a society which learned the secret of eternal life (or a long life), in order to be happy, it would be necessary to have poly relationships...

So given the choice between jealousy and polyamory, it's jealousy that needs to be eliminated...
But just imagine that you could live that 1000 years with one person...imagine the variety and the many "different things" you could do...imagine the creativity, and understanding that would evolve being with just one other person....Imagine the level of trust and respect it would take to still marvel at and excite each other after all those years...Imagine the sense of peace and satisfaction you would feel knowing that after all those years you really still feel like the second half to a whole...
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-20-2013, 08:11 PM
 
Location: Northern NH
4,551 posts, read 10,206,353 times
Reputation: 3800
Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveWisdom View Post
Polyamory has benefits. But in many cases it can't work because of jealousy.

So, here is something good, but it can't work because of jealousy.

We have to be in monogomous relationships because we are too jealous. Is being jealous a good thing or a bad thing?

Here is a case for polyamory:

People have many different needs. And usually, it's hard to meet those needs with just one person. For example, some like someone to read poetry with, someone to play sports with, someone to cook with, someone to have sex with in different ways.

So in monogamous relationships, one person usually can't fulfill all the different desires and you usually have to go without a few things. (and that's probably why lots of people get tired and bored in their life).

In polyamorous relationships you can be much happier as all your needs could be met by different people.

So the only thing that stands between us and lots of happiness is the fact that we are jealous and we can't handle to share our loved ones with others. It seems as though in our society it's noble NOT TO SHARE the love!

Why is it so noble? Isn't it more noble to be generous, to not mind sharing with others, to stop being jealous and saying "mine" "mine"?

What is bad about sharing? Logically speaking. I know that emotions will start screaming at us as soon as we think about it. But again, it's only because we are so jealous, insecure and for some reason believe that a person can love only one person at a time.

But if there was no jealousy, no insecurity, is there anything bad about sharing? If you could truly believe that your lover truly loves you (but also loves someone else), would you mind sharing him/her if you were not jealous about it?

So on Monday you spend time with John and have great sex. On Wednesday you meet Eddie and have the greatest time discussing some spiritual things. On Friday you go out to eat with Paul and have lots of fun doing things that the two of you love doing. While you are away with Paul, your John and Eddie are having good times with others they know and love...

Now, think about a very long life. Imagine that you can live for a 1000 years instead of 80. Now imagine yourself with one person for a 1000 years... Considering that most people get bored with their marriages in 20 years, it's hard to imagine what would happen in 500...? On the other hand, imagine that you have many lovers and great close friends that you can do different things with...

So, I would say, that in a society which learned the secret of eternal life (or a long life), in order to be happy, it would be necessary to have poly relationships...

So given the choice between jealousy and polyamory, it's jealousy that needs to be eliminated...

So agree with you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-20-2013, 08:15 PM
 
Location: Northern NH
4,551 posts, read 10,206,353 times
Reputation: 3800
Quote:
Originally Posted by Royalite View Post
Some people don't long to be in more relationships than one. And I get so annoyed when people act as though one "needs" to be with more than one person when it's not true. Sex, on an individual level, isn't a need! The thing that also irks me at times is when I hear people who want to indulge in polyamory say, "I could always use more love." There's more than one way to experience love. There's many different types of love as well. I love my mother. I don't want to have sex with her. I love my father. Sex is the furthest from my mind.

To say that people who only want monogamy are "jealous" is like saying that people who indulge in polyamory are simply greedy or unsettled, possibly also lusty and looking to have sexual fantasies fulfilled. Is that not also a possibility? That perhaps they're going after more than one person because they haven't found satisfaction in themselves?

Some people simply don't long for more than one.
Of course you don't want to have sex with your parents...good grief It isn't about having sex with everybody you know.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-20-2013, 10:16 PM
 
Location: USA
1,589 posts, read 1,733,011 times
Reputation: 1630
Quote:
Originally Posted by purehuman View Post
But just imagine that you could live that 1000 years with one person...imagine the variety and the many "different things" you could do...imagine the creativity, and understanding that would evolve being with just one other person....Imagine the level of trust and respect it would take to still marvel at and excite each other after all those years...Imagine the sense of peace and satisfaction you would feel knowing that after all those years you really still feel like the second half to a whole...
But imagining won't make it true. I believe that this is impossible for us humans, with our current programming, to be interested (and excited) for a long time.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-20-2013, 10:32 PM
 
Location: USA
1,589 posts, read 1,733,011 times
Reputation: 1630
Quote:
Originally Posted by Royalite View Post
Some people don't long to be in more relationships than one. And I get so annoyed when people act as though one "needs" to be with more than one person when it's not true. Sex, on an individual level, isn't a need! The thing that also irks me at times is when I hear people who want to indulge in polyamory say, "I could always use more love." There's more than one way to experience love. There's many different types of love as well. I love my mother. I don't want to have sex with her. I love my father. Sex is the furthest from my mind.

To say that people who only want monogamy are "jealous" is like saying that people who indulge in polyamory are simply greedy or unsettled, possibly also lusty and looking to have sexual fantasies fulfilled. Is that not also a possibility? That perhaps they're going after more than one person because they haven't found satisfaction in themselves?

Some people simply don't long for more than one.
I meant romantic love. But, thinking more about it, platonic friendships are also hard to have with members of opposite sex in monogamous relationships, because partners are afraid it may be something more than just friendship.

There are many people each one of us could be interested in. So I think that one of the reasons some won't be interested in more than one is because they didn't actually meet those people. This happens often enough: a happily married person accidentally meets and gets to know another great person and has to leave the first one since he is now currently 'in love" with the second one.

Another reason is because people get too busy with things and don't pay attention to their needs/wants. Or they are not aware of their surroundings (and don't notice those "others").

Satisfaction comes from doing things or being with others. So, yes, a busy person, with many hobbies would be interested in hobbies more than other partners. We are all different. Some are said to be "married to their work". And it's true and not even that figurative. They are "in love" with the work they do and often are interested in it more than in their partner. So it all depends on what one needs/wants.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-21-2013, 09:21 AM
 
Location: Northeastern US
14,197 posts, read 9,082,614 times
Reputation: 6079
Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveWisdom View Post
I believe that this is impossible for us humans, with our current programming, to be interested (and excited) for a long time.
This is known as "hedonic tone" and there is a group of people called transhumanists who believe that this could eventually be eased or removed and have that as their goal.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-21-2013, 09:33 AM
 
Location: Northeastern US
14,197 posts, read 9,082,614 times
Reputation: 6079
To the point of the OP, I believe that jealousy is an evolved trait that was selected for because it supports creation of stable family units by curbing male tendencies to be promiscuous (which means they hang around to protect and provide for the young, and for the mother when she is preoccupied with nurturing the young).

That isn't to say that communal child-rearing is impossible (it is done to some degree by certain social groups, such as some of the kibbutzim in Israel and elsewhere). It's just to say that it was a good survival adaptation when most humans were hunter-gatherers and it seems like it requires less energy / overriding of primal defaults even today.

I tend to think that polyamory is worse than jealousy. I watch these reality shows following polyamorous "pods" around and find them ridiculously self-absorbed and plagued with confused boundaries. Life isn't all about getting everything you want when you want it and learning the give and take and deference to live in a kind and understanding way with a single life partner strikes me as a generally better way to go. It also keeps things clear and simple. If you watch these shows you'll note that vast amounts of time go into people hand-wringing about, and negotiating around, the conflicting needs and desires of people.

In addition there's just the practical matter of communication. Anyone familiar with software development sees a similar pattern where development teams tend to lose effectiveness rapidly if there are more than 2 or 3 people involved, simply because there are so many possible lines of (non)communication after that. It becomes exponentially more time consuming to keep everyone in the loop and exponentially easier to talk past each other, form cliques, etc. In fact the existence of cliques in social groups probably reflect a desire to escape this complexity and favor those who think and talk like you and have similar values.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Philosophy
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top