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I can make most people feel totally incompetent if I choose to do so.
I reserve that for people who are cruel to others. I don't do it to family members, well, usually. Are all of those people weak? No. They are human, well, some of them less than others and that is why they need to be assisted in seeing that they are not "all that".
Interesting.
You can only make the people who care what you think of them feel incompetent. Those who don't rely on others to define them won't care what you say to them. Your verbalization only defines you, not the person you feel compelled to grate on.
So, by being cruel to another person, that makes you the same cruel person you feel needs reprimand, does it not? When we are cruel, are we not leading by example that cruelty is a proper mode of behavior?
So, after someone has the privilege of you letting them know that they are not 'all that', do they seem thankful of your tutorial, or do they think of you as someone who is cruel and needs to be put in your place?
Ok, back OT;
Let me see if I understand what Miss Hepburn has said.
If someone makes a cutting remark to me, I can dismiss it as their own inadequacy dressed as the need to put me down in an attempt to feel better about themselves, or, possibly be grateful to them for helping to point out a shortcoming I may need to work on.
I don't know how to love anyone without being open and vulnerable to them.
Since anyone I choose to love is human, it ends up hurting at times. The trick is to hopefully chose people to open up to who will be kind to you more often than not.
I would say however that if I found myself yet again at loose ends and alone, I would not enter into another relationship. I have room -- just -- for someone else still, but not for their buttons, hangups, fears, exes, children, step children, grandchildren, habits, baggage ... nor do I feel it's right for them to take on all those things for me. I think you get barnacled too much beyond a certain point in life to make it worth anyone's while. And you come to see that nothing you can choose to do really changes the net proposition that life presents for you all that much anyway.
Aside from intimate relationships, I largely agree with the inimitable Miss Hepburn (be she channeling Audrey or Katherine). Random people will diss you just for existing and if you let that bother you you're just making everyday life untenable -- or maybe allowing them to make it untenable.
You can only make the people who care what you think of them feel incompetent. Those who don't rely on others to define them won't care what you say to them. Your verbalization only defines you, not the person you feel compelled to grate on.
So, by being cruel to another person, that makes you the same cruel person you feel needs reprimand, does it not? When we are cruel, are we not leading by example that cruelty is a proper mode of behavior?
So, after someone has the privilege of you letting them know that they are not 'all that', do they seem thankful of your tutorial, or do they think of you as someone who is cruel and needs to be put in your place?
Ok, back OT;
Let me see if I understand what Miss Hepburn has said.
If someone makes a cutting remark to me, I can dismiss it as their own inadequacy dressed as the need to put me down in an attempt to feel better about themselves, or, possibly be grateful to them for helping to point out a shortcoming I may need to work on.
... I largely agree with the inimitable Miss Hepburn ( channeling Katherine).
Random people will diss you just for existing and if you let that bother you you're just making
everyday life untenable -- or maybe allowing them to make it untenable.
Exactly...we have the power to allow ourselves to feel anything....a ruined day or
the perfect day. No one else...not the guy that dented our car or our mother in law with snide remarks.
No one has that power over us (ok me).
Intimate partners, are tougher, I agree...but so far so good.
I am a constant observer, what can I say....I'm not 20 any more.
Bitten too many times, stabbed too many times...words are the sharpest darn things...
or used to be for me.
OP, if everything we experience is biochemical, and it is, and an event happens and the response from a person is a cascade of biochemical reactions, how does s/he not feel it or have any control over feeling it? I think what we have control over is how we react to our feelings, what we do with them, not whether we have them or not.
OP, if everything we experience is biochemical, and it is, and an event happens and the response from a person is a cascade of biochemical reactions, how does s/he not feel it or have any control over feeling it? I think what we have control over is how we react to our feelings, what we do with them, not whether we have them or not.
Oddly, the biochemical/physiological reaction is the same, it's our mental interpretation that matters. IE, an unexpected caress from a loved one VS a stranger.
Maybe there are people who learned to have control of their emotions, but most of us are not those people. Most of us are most definitely affected by words and most of us don't know how to make it stop. Saying: "I have control over my feelings and I will not let someone affect me" doesn't actually make words stop affecting us.
So the question is: how does one reach the state where words do not affect him? How does one reach the state where things others say don't matter to him? And is this state even desirable? I mean if insults don't affect you, then that would mean that pleasant things wouldn't affect you either (nice words wouldn't make you feel good)
Yes, we give them the ability to affect us, but we do it on a subconscious level and BY respecting their opinion, by wanting to please someone, by wanting someone to be proud of us.
If we stop respecting someone's opinions, then their words won't matter to us. But is that a good thing to reach for?
I heard that spiritual masters have reached the levels of...something... maybe understanding... and so they don't get affected. But maybe that means that they don't respect anyone else's opinion but their own. Because if they did, how could they not be affected?
If the masters don't hurt when someone has insulted them, maybe they didn't care about that person's opinion? And if they didn't care about losing someone, then maybe they don't really care about having someone? If they didn't get attached to someone, is that good?
I am not sure. But then I've never experienced the state where words coming from people I care about wouldn't matter. I think it's doing them honor when you do respect their opinions and their words. I don't think I would want to have a friend who were not affected by the things I said: that means he didn't really care.
But then again, I've never been on that other side (of not caring or being affected), so maybe it's better, who knows.
We are not affected by those we consider stupid or morons or immature. But we should be affected by those we respect. I can't see another way. (Of course that doesn't necessary mean there isn't one)
The third option is that we are affected by people who act incorrectly, but we didn't yet realize it and so we believe there is some truth to what they are saying (but there isn't). So once we discover that what they are saying is not true, we stop being affected.
Oddly, the biochemical/physiological reaction is the same, it's our mental interpretation that matters. IE, an unexpected caress from a loved one VS a stranger.
Very good point, although I wouldn't say the biochemical reaction would be the same. You could easily have a fight or flight response result. Either way, your body will react in some way. I can see an argument for deep meditation resulting in up-regulation of a neurotransmitter that directly results in an intended mood (I guess, I don't know much about that), but I would imagine most people have a physiological response almost immediately.
To add- Personally, I see no problem being affected by people. Our ability to feel empathy and experience compassion, for example, are some of the great things about being human imo. Emotions that run awry, like depression, is a different story and in the realm of mental illness rather than every day moods.
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