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I've always thought the saying "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" was pretty stupid. After loving and lost, both nonromantic and romantic relationships, I don't think I learned anything from the LOSS of the relationship than I did if I kept it. I do feel I'd better off not having them based on how it turned out. So, in your experience, was it better to have loved and lost or would it have been better to never love at all?
I interpret the quote differently from you.
There are people out that have never been in love, never been in a relationship or married. I'm sure that most of those people have yearned for at least love and never experienced it. While it likely brought much sadness to the ones who wanted it, they still don't know what it would have been like except in their fantasies. To those who simply never needed love or didn't know how to love, they didn't miss it and were probably happier for it.
I lost a child. Agonizing loss but am still grateful to have had her than not at all.
On the other hand, I do NOT believe that bad or abusive relationships is better than not having a relationship at all.
IMO, anyone who has ever loved someone or something would rather have loved this someone/something rather than have never known this person/thing.
To me, the opposite would be never getting married, never having children, never having pets because you are too afraid of losing them?
What is the point of life if you are too afraid of loving something that you "might lose"?
[b]Ask any parent who has lost a child if they'd rather not have had this child?
Ask any pet owner whose pet has passed away, if they'd rather not had the pet in the first place? IMO, they would look at you like you have lost your mind[/B]
But: Losing something/someone that you don't love is an entirely different story.
IMO, anyone who has ever loved someone or something would rather have loved this someone/something rather than have never known this person/thing.
To me, the opposite would be never getting married, never having children, never having pets because you are too afraid of losing them?
What is the point of life if you are too afraid of loving something that you "might lose"?
[b]Ask any parent who has lost a child if they'd rather not have had this child?
Ask any pet owner whose pet has passed away, if they'd rather not had the pet in the first place? IMO, they would look at you like you have lost your mind[/B]
But: Losing something/someone that you don't love is an entirely different story.
Well as I said it'd not quite that simple and straightforward. Generally yes. I think for me it is more the totality of my loss experiences over the years combined with advancing years that makes me less inclined to stay fully in the fray. To the extent of avoiding all relationships and associated risks? No. Just trimming them back. My wife and I are agreed that the two dogs we currently have will be our last, for example. We're glad to have them, and grieving over them eventually goes along with that, but we just aren't going to do it again even if the timing is such that we could plausibly squeeze in another dog generation before our own deaths. If my wife and I don't die at the same time we will probably not remarry. And then there is some chronic dysfunction with extended family relationships that we are just letting be as they are rather than try to either endure of "fix" them. Basically at this point we are letting attrition trim things back for us.
I would agree that someone becoming a hermit or something would be going to the unhealthy extreme in almost all cases. Though I have to confess that at times I fantasize about being the sole person manning some outpost in deep space where I wouldn't see anything of other humans for years at a time. Probably looks better than it actually would be in reality.
I've always thought the saying "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" was pretty stupid. After loving and lost, both nonromantic and romantic relationships, I don't think I learned anything from the LOSS of the relationship than I did if I kept it. I do feel I'd better off not having them based on how it turned out. So, in your experience, was it better to have loved and lost or would it have been better to never love at all?
So you figure that the hurt from losing the ones you lost trumps the love you had for each other at one time?...You did have love, right?..Did you enjoy it?..was it spectacular and wonderful?
Don't you figure caring and loving, are feelings worth more than the misery experienced at their loss?
In your experience {I do feel I'd be better off not having them based on how it turned out}, my guess would be that you've never really had or experienced a true genuine love. If you had you would most definitely have retained some good from that relationship.
It IS better to have loved and lost than not loved at all....but one can only realize that when they've had or lost a real genuine love.....as for never having loved at all...only a very cold, cold person (sociopath) could ever know that about themselves.
TRUE love is always a good thing.
I've loved many people and animals and then lost them. The grief at their loss actually physically hurts though I couldn't imagine how pathetic my life would be had I never had the chance or desire to love them at all.
Setting aside the calculus of whether you'd have been better off not having loved, there are a LOT of variables that go into each grief process and into each person who grieves. Including many that are little discussed or understood.
I was acquainted for example with a woman in her mid-70s whose very much beloved husband had died many years ago, then she lost a young adult daughter in an accident, and finally in her mid-70s lost her adult son in another accident.
The crossroads she came to ... and I've seen it with people who have had many losses ... was basically, I can either let this kill me or at least leave me a complete wreck for months or years like it's "supposed" to ... or I can choose to live. She chose the latter, and while she certainly grieved, she did not allow it to take her completely down, as mothers often do when children preceded them in death, particularly when it's unexpected. She had two surviving children, grandchildren, and by then great grandchildren that she wanted to use her final years to enjoy them and be enjoyed by them. Yes, it makes you emotionally numb not to completely work through your grief, but when you have experienced enough grief in your life, a whole lot more grief ends up being more harm than good. I call this the "I'm too old for this sh_t effect". It's kind of like, "who's next, take a number and get in line". This also happens because your time grows shorter and the number of people you have known who are dying is increasing. They're dropping like flies sometimes.
I have lost four close and beloved immediate family members in the past two decades (not counting "natural" deaths), I'll be 60 this spring, I have two older brothers in their 70's queued up, one of which is in demonstrably frail health, which will lead to getting The Call sometime in the foreseeable future for both of them. In the meantime I have a wife and a daughter and two stepchildren and three grandchildren and who wants to remember me as someone always having out-of-body experiences of grief and loss? Or even just as glum? To heck with that. I intend to let life (and death, which is part of it) be as it is and quit fighting it and questioning it and agonizing over it and bemoaning it.
It depends on what one feels is the lesser evil. There's no clear cut answer.
Example losing a loved one is terrible. It is one of the worst pains to experience. But with those experiences, you can have happy memories of the time you had. BUT you can also find comfort in other loved ones who are still around, and still meet new loved ones to bring into your life. Everything we have, we lose at some point because nothing is forever. Either we die on it, or it dies on us.
Now on the flip. Never loved at all. On the pro side, life is easier when you don't have to worry about another person. And you don't have to worry about losing what you don't have. Forming bonds is great, but those very bonds can cause you heartache. But with that, it can get very lonely. You could shut down and be determined to never love. You don't let the bad in. But with keeping the bad out, you're also keeping the good out as well.
Then with never loving, or being loved, that can also fuel things like depression and low self-esteem. It's natural that we as humans seek companionship. So with Never Loved at All, if you're someone who wants love, but is either not getting it, or not getting it from your desired target, it hurts as well.
You see other people in relationships with people they care for. But it doesn't seem to happen for you. Then there's the feeling of loneliness -in that particular area. Also the self-doubt -wondering what's wrong with you or if you're even worth loving. And stuff like this causes people to enter into relationships with partners who are not compatible with them, or are abusive to them. because they feel they can't do better, or that they deserve it if someone is willing to put up with them.
So overall, it just depends on each individual and how we handle ourselves personally. So this saying can go either way.
I always thought this saying was stupider.
Quote:
Sticks and Stones Can Break Bones, but Words Can Never Hurt.
A big crock. Words can hurt like Hell. Plus the comparison is Apples and Oranges
There are people out that have never been in love, never been in a relationship or married. I'm sure that most of those people have yearned for at least love and never experienced it. While it likely brought much sadness to the ones who wanted it, they still don't know what it would have been like except in their fantasies. To those who simply never needed love or didn't know how to love, they didn't miss it and were probably happier for it.
I lost a child. Agonizing loss but am still grateful to have had her than not at all.
On the other hand, I do NOT believe that bad or abusive relationships is better than not having a relationship at all.
So you figure that the hurt from losing the ones you lost trumps the love you had for each other at one time?...You did have love, right?..Did you enjoy it?..was it spectacular and wonderful?
Don't you figure caring and loving, are feelings worth more than the misery experienced at their loss?
In your experience {I do feel I'd be better off not having them based on how it turned out}, my guess would be that you've never really had or experienced a true genuine love. If you had you would most definitely have retained some good from that relationship.
It IS better to have loved and lost than not loved at all....but one can only realize that when they've had or lost a real genuine love.....as for never having loved at all...only a very cold, cold person (sociopath) could ever know that about themselves.
TRUE love is always a good thing.
I've loved many people and animals and then lost them. The grief at their loss actually physically hurts though I couldn't imagine how pathetic my life would be had I never had the chance or desire to love them at all.
To me, with my ex boyfriend. Of course I have a lot of memories. Then I look back and think did he really mean those things? I feel he didn't or we'd still be together. Just as with friends or family members I've lost touched with (not dead just not really talking), I think why did I go throw the trouble of befriending them?
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