Why is 'accepting yourself' pushed so much in todays society? (life, western)

[Sonic_Spork]

RE: "I am who I am, acceptance is 100% positive." What if you're a mean jerk to other people around you and defend mistreatment of others with this "acceptance" attitude? If it is, "I am under no obligation to change myself" even when maybe you should consider it. A man who is abusive to his wife, and then miserable when she leaves him, but he was only accepting himself how he was, and he thought if she loved him, she'd accept this too.

That isn't ok. And I do know people who seem to do this, or something like it.

Acceptance shouldn't be an excuse to ignore opportunities for personal growth.

RE: "We don't live in that world." There has to be a correct balance between conformity and individual expression, which the smart person will learn to tread based upon their circumstances. A person should have the right to be as expressive and unique as they wish and not be assaulted or abused for it. They will find some people who will judge them, and some who will celebrate them. C'est la vie. However, it is the right of (for instance) an employer, to decide that if you don't meet the dress code because you are practicing acceptance of your radical sweatpants identity, then they can end your employment. A wise person picks their battles. But nonconformity on my part isn't an excuse for bullying or abuse by another who is bothered when people don't adhere to social "norms."

RE: "Unhealthy." I agree that in extreme examples some do use the body positivity and acceptance movements to justify not changing a self destructive lifestyle. I also know that some people have genetic predispositions that make them heavier, or more prone to addiction, or something...and being thin and fit looking, does not mean you are fit, nor is it always just a simple matter of having some self control and changing a few habits. I'm blessed with a certain metabolism that allows me to eat anything I want, which is mostly starches and cheese with some meat and a smattering of sweets, almost no veggies, no seafood, etc. But I am thin. I look healthy, and indeed my bloodwork checks out. Then I look at a person who has to practically starve themselves, count every calorie, and exercise constantly (I rarely do) and still looks "unhealthy" and gets judged for it. And is full of self loathing because society won't let them accept that this isn't completely their fault. There are fat people who are probably a lot "healthier" than I am. But it is easier for me to "accept" my body. So it's a bit complicated, this bit.

[Hollytree]

Originally Posted by croftylot24

I don't know much about modern history, but I do know that the 'self acceptance' movement in various aspects of life (aesthetic appearance, race, gender) seems to have gained tract from the 60s and 70s.

Basically people now bought into the message that people should be 'proud' of themselves. Instead of people using skin color lightening products, getting reassignment surgery/ plastic surgery etc. they should just accept how how they look regardless, . People say 'Don't change yourself, God made you the way you were' or other non-religious variants.

What really bugs me about this isn't just the fact that I think people should be allowed to change themselves without being considered 'self haters', 'vain' or having low self esteem, it's that it seems in many cases border on self-delusion about how our society works.

The fact is that if your a minority, a person who's has a quite unattractive feature, etc. the you are always going to battle against stereotypes that will hinder how you're perceived/want to be perceived You may not be discriminated against overtly but say you're a black woman, no matter how liberal and polite you are, there'll be this 'marker' by society in which you're viewed through. People will think you're too 'ghetto' or 'loud', too strict, too scary, too serious. Case in point, One of my African friends wanted to become more less conservative (compared to African culture) and much more attractive according to Western ideals. She changed personality dramatically but still looked very African so obviously people stereotyped her as being African. Her kids friends always thought she was strict because of the stereotype about African mothers along with her quite demeanor. Long story-short, she got a bit of plastic surgery and lightened her skin, now everyone talks about how 'pretty she is' despite the fact that she has the same personality. She has gained a lot more confidence though.

Now had she encountered 'self acceptance' individuals online, she would have been certainly told things like 'Skin color doesn't matter to most decent people anymore' and some B.S like that. Now do I think she should have had to change her skin color, no but let's not be naive here, as adults we know that in an ideal world, we could express our personality without being inhibited by what we look like and have people perceive us they way we want to but....we live in this world not an ideal one and thus it seems like 'self acceptance' although a noble movement can become quite silly at a certain point.

So why does society exactly want people to accept themselves?

I think your story has more to do with racial issues in the US than anything else. The real issue boils down to self esteem. Healthy self esteem is good- too much is narcissistic.

To go along with the story you related: If you are a proud and accomplished Black person with high self esteem, then you are a proud accomplished Black person who doesn't care about others' estimations of him or herself and would feel no need to change your appearance.

[Cida]

Originally Posted by nybklyn

Adding on to that, the world has become a world of narcissits. Technology advance without improvement of ethics, it will only get worse instead of getting any better. With all the information available on the world wide web, anyone can learn anything from anywhere with an access of a computer connected to the internet. Money has become the center of every living soul. We forget that eventually we will die one day, or maybe just ignoring the fact. Yet, how many conscious mind thought of the impact of their action on the society?

My impression is that America is leading the pack in terms of narcissism - whether you look at it in terms of people too lazy to vote, people avoiding military service, people spending so much time on Facebook, people hopscotching through personal relationships, etc.

[Phil75230]

I think accepting yourself is pushed because people overestimate the control you have over your emotions and that it's often harder to actually attack badness than it is to seek out greater pleasure.

As for be happy with yourself, it's also because people don't like to discuss unpleasant matters, not to mention a strong "deal with it yourself" attitude that tends to go with the territory of having a highly individualistic culture like the United States does.

[JayStevens]

I think accepting yourself as you are is being pushed because for so long society has worked to put down certain aspects of a person. Aspects of a person such as their body fat percentage, body image, sexuality, race, etc. These and many other things have been historically used to put people down and now people are fighting back by embracing these things about themselves because they realize that these personal traits aren't bad and if other people are bothered by them, then that's their problem.

[croftylot24]

Originally Posted by JayStevens

I think accepting yourself as you are is being pushed because for so long society has worked to put down certain aspects of a person. Aspects of a person such as their body fat percentage, body image, sexuality, race, etc. These and many other things have been historically used to put people down and now people are fighting back by embracing these things about themselves because they realize that these personal traits aren't bad and if other people are bothered by them, then that's their problem.

Trouble is, discrimination has moved to 'covert' measures, so although I do admire some efforts as they are genuinely trying to fight back against the differences among us, I see many others who seem to take offense to people who want to change themselves e.g plastic surgery, when it's obvious people get treated much differently based on how they look.

[nightbird47]

I'm perfectly happy in my gender, and wouldn't use surgery to make anything 'better. But I do consider hair fun to play with. But sadly my hair is very fine, and one must be very careful what you put on it. I now use henna, which is messy but makes it stronger. I didn't know the part about washing out any chemicals first that first time though, and ended up with purple. I LOVED it but never figured out how to do it again. But I still experiment with a mix of several hennas sometimes so its not just red.

I had lots of dreams and plans, but health got in the way. I tried moving into the working world, but the body didn't cooperate. Auto immune conditions suck. And they never go away, just change. And they often derail the intentions and dreams you had about what you'd do when you grow up. You have to grow up when you realize that said condition is one which will be managed, but not ended, that its always going to be a consideration. But then, as there are things you can change, and those you can't, you learn to live with it. I wanted to be a programmer. But the 'condition' got in the way when I needed full on energy and just didn't have it. Today there are drugs that work, but back then they didn't really know why the available ones did. Until they quit at least. And you really can't take a job which requires a lot of hands on time when you may not be able to give it.

I turned to a few classes in college and stuff which interested me. And found fandom and knew I was finally home. And I didn't really care what anyone thought.

And I will admit that I dress more like a teenager, at least of my youth. I like that. Its in part about who I am. I don't want to look carefully aged. I want to say whatever you think my age is, what you see is who I am. And I'm getting the payoff from all the health issues too. Baking onself in the sun for a really good tan had to stop before I was out of my teens. I look younger even now. I'm not sure it was an equal exchange, the reason being sick, but I'll enjoy the reward anyway.

As far as 'accepting', much of it I had to. I know I can't go out and get really hot for hours, unless I want to feel miserable for a few days. But there's ways in miniture. And I've had time to create many more interests. And because real physical fate made me 'different', I've nurtured that part of me. I like discussion, especially with other people who like discussion. But if I could pick a place to 'be' for my 'normal' it would a science fiction con. Not the parties or the costumes so much (though the Nightbird outfit is still waiting for its next appearance) but the way I learned to look at things, not assuming a given, or that its normal 'image' isn't the real one.

One golden moment was at a fairly large convention, lots of room parties. I met someone who clicked, and we were both wandering around late checking to see if any parties were still open. So we just went up the stairwell and sat in the hotel's little lounge area. Total strangers, we talked all night. It was a glorious conversation. I showed up at my door early morning, and packed quick then slept until we had to check out. Never saw him again, but just finding people who are like you makes your weekend and your week and your month. Out in the 'normal' world, I don't often.

But most people see me as some form of shy/withdrawn/loner/anti social. And I still dress in about the same as I've always, even if I just got put on medicare. I find that few converstations out in normal world get very far. But while I love when I find someone I recognize, I don't need artifical connections. Can you have a serious conversation about Trek vrs starwars? I don't mean which made the best movie, but which world you'd rather live in. That's the sort I look for.

What would make life perfect right now? A way to get back into cons, and connections in fandom. And when I'm done with rooms full of people, even if they are 'my people', but just too many bodies, go home to my quiet home where my dogs try to see if both can fit on my lap, and the cats like to snuggle between them, and nothing much happens. Maybe do some stitching and make a few things for the art show at the con. (needle point/embroidery is another deeply loved thing). Do some writing. Chill out while looking forward to the next trip to the world I share.

That's my intention, to step by step find a way.

[sholomar]

It's not acceptance as an excuse to be lazy or not change because "that's who I am", but rather acceptance as in roll with the punches, get up, and try again, to remove the prolonged suffering that can come from not accepting situations as they are if they don't meet your desired outcome. That's what they really mean by acceptance. Also, accepting others as they are because worrying about things you can't change is wasted energy.

Basically it means not being a snowflake who quits when things get tough. Bad stock trade where you lost money? Try again. Do anything long enough and you'll get good at it as your brain builds muscle memory (except things where the deck is stacked against you like casino gambling where the house always wins). Building new habits and states of mind takes simple repetition and practice. It's like training a dog really.


Someone insult you because you're lgbtq or fat? It's normal to judge people who are different. Your job is to accept that and them. After all, they are the ones being hostile and negative.... It's pure genetics making them act that way....very impersonal... Along with habits which are very hard to change even with the tools to do so, like this post. Normal people who go through life on autopilot stand little chance at change which is why our media and government are into the business of social engineering. Say something to people enough times and they'll believe it.... And change...

[Phil75230]

Accepting yourself vs changing yourself.

MUCH more to this than immediately meets the eye, even mind's eye.

IMO, self-acceptance vs self-improvement isn't really the issue. All of us have flaws (objective or claimed, real or imagined) we'd get rid of if we could. The issue is whether our imperfection - or mere "imperfection" - consciously and deliberately degrades, indignifies, hurts, or harms another.

Even "self-improvement" is vague at best. Improve what? Superficial appeal (physically or personality-wise, when you get to the core of it)? More to the point, why does a certain trait even deserve higher respect-worthiness (or the opposite) than other traits? It seems to me that when people think of self-improvement, they think of what their own basebrain reptilian impulses say is appealing, or getting the greatest amount of approval from the greatest number of people. Anybody basing their idea of self-improvenment on these criteria is, at best, confusing self-respect with getting the most approval from the most number of people. Ironically, I can't think of anything more disrespectful to one's self than this, for they basically outsource their brain and person-valuing system to the highest status people (not necessarily in a wealth sense, but in the opinion-making / trend-setting sense).

To me, real self-respect means keeping your own views of what makes a person valuable to the extent that you do not think lowly of others merely due to their lack of aesthetic appeal (physically, behaviorally, photogenically, etc). Find out what your core self is really like, then work to make the most of it, plus refuse to hurt, harm, or degrade the dignity of others merely due to their petty imperfections.

[sholomar]

Acceptance also goes along with things like the death of a parent... A relative of mine spent 20 years mourning her mother's death,. An event she couldn't possibly change. Needless suffering and wasted energy. Acceptance brings peace and closure. Same thing if your husband or wife leaves you.... I'd make another long winded post but I'm on break posting on a phone and breaktimes over. :P


Good post Phil.