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I deal with it by seeing to it that they have food and clothing.
I don't lend money because I know they can't pay it back...but I might, and have, paid for their medicine if they can't.
It's not a "huge strain" unless you allow it to be.
I don't want any of my friends to be a "huge strain"...be they rich or poor.
I give what I can and they're always thankful for it.
I don't feel beholden...and they wouldn't want me to.
I ask them to believe that they can help me should I need it as well...I value them for who they are, and enjoy their company...I always ask that they keep any little gifts (food etc) that come from me ..under their hats.
I don't make a big deal out of helping them, and I don't want them to either.
What if that person is already out on the streets? Do we just find a shelter and drop them off? Or is there also something that can be done after that?
Would depend on why they are on the streets.
If the person has a substance abuse problem I'm not going to enable them.
I'm 60 years old and trying ensure my wife and I are comfortable enough in retirement.
There is failure and futility, too a degree we all fail, therein thence is improvement;
we should devote ourselves unto such a gleaning of our prospects;
yet there is always that probability of potency and misplaced action,
with forbearance one is too know there step; albeit confounded yet also profound,
fate therein may cast defeat, augment through such suffering a viable recourse;
let the bounds be tempered, nurture that object by decay and knoweth the equivocal husk,
this purpose smitten upon a hearth wherein thy burden is purified, rectify thine nameless object.
undivided discretion, ignorance was broadened too a willing horizon; as fear was soundness in restraint.
I think its best to keep money away from friendship. Money has a way of making everything ugly. Also giving advice should only be given when asked. I am not at pre-retirement age but I am at a age where most people are settling down & the difference between those who got their act together vs. those who are still lost is clear. Sometimes it is frustrating & I have given advise but I also realize, those of us who have things semi-set are messed up in our own way. We all have problems, its different problem. So we listen and sympathies & give suggestion when asked. But I don't expect them to follow thru just as I know I have flaws in life that I am not following thru.
Life happens, ignore the class difference. It is hard because you can't be on same vacation or discuss future plan because you have very different lifestyle (ability). So you have to pick and choose which friend you discuss what with.
couldn't agree with you more....
I've had friends with money and not, and I helped friends out....now I donate money, but never discuss money or how much I have with anyone....my mom always taught me, if you borrow money you pay it back even if it's $10.00 a week, so they know your making an effort, however, when I gave money away, it was just that, not a loan, if they paid it back that was a great thing, but if they didn't it was ok to....
Sure. Do "most of us" try "NOT" lose friends over money?
Huh?
Yes, It's awkward starting with a group starting c. college or early career or first home, some members make dumb decisions (marriage, children, bad major purchases being the usual suspects) and move to some ghetto part of town within a few years. That's usually Step 1. Meanwhile you save and consolidate, and buy property in a high-value part of town, clean up the act a bit, and continue to make smart moves in the career.
Ten years later one person has one, two, or more sweat hog brats, a usually-disgruntled wife, and complains overtly or covertly about "money problems". They drive garbage cars or trucks, continue to make dumb decisions, smoke too much weed, drink, do pills, other things those heading into despair of middle age and life-failure do to cope I guess.
What I "do" with them is wind down the friendship, in every case I can think of (roughly half dozen), age mid-twenties to current. I have friends at a more appropriate socio-economic strata these days, and enjoy their company as they do mine. We can all go out to eat and picking up the check for $300 (this time) doesn't cause me worry. Next time, other guy has it. Or not. Who gives a ****? No, we're not going to the Sizzler, we're going the Metropolitan Grill or Brubaker's in Seattle after the theater show. Not the six dollar movie matinee with "the kids".
I can only imagine what this will look like when I'm 60 (ten years in my case) and we're all on glide path to retirement. I'm hoping that's about 62 for me, 67 for others in my cohort. TBD, though. There won't be much general angst all around me though.
Very few occasions anyone is so vulgar as to "ask for money"; definitely a poor behavior, in both senses of the term. I don't have anything in common with that, nor would I ever want to again: that went out in college, back when we are ALL poor to the point of the question I believe.
People changes, times change. Move on.
This has been my experience as well. Beyond that, I have moved from around Atlanta, GA, originally, to several places, mostly in the West, for career purposes. Many of the kids I grew up will never go 50 miles from where they were born, or if they do, only for a week's vacation in Florida. Most married young, started popping out babies, and so Mr. Doofus was stuck getting a BS job, the luckier or better connected ones got on at the Doraville GM assembly plant (shuttered decades ago). Partly driven by "Old Time Religion", partly by simple inertia. To paraphrase Henry Ford, I thought I could do better than what was available locally, they didn't, and both of us were right.
I particularly look back at several of the higher-IQ girls, who snagged a footballer or whatever with way less brains, and "settled down" there. Now I can see that they wanted an easily manipulated partner, this explains why they would never date me. Several of them had the mental horsepower to have done exactly what I have done, career wise, but they lacked the motivation to try, or maybe even the imagination to consider they might do something like this.
But, yeah, when I occasionally would see my old "cohort" such as it is, what's left of it, when visiting my (now deceased) parents, we had almost nothing in common. This is not my fault, there is nothing I can do about it. Now I have even less reason to visit the area, so probably won't see most of them again anyway.
These people were never really "friends" for the most part. In Russian I know about a half-dozen words that can all be loosely translated as "friend", that describe a spectrum starting with "acquaintance" and end up with "true friend", these people were mostly on the first couple of "rungs" here. I happened to go to high school with them, dumb luck of location. Otherwise we would have never met.
We all start out with people who are in our own socio-economic group. Some doing slightly better, some not quite so well. As life goes on some of those gaps between those doing well and those not doing well can start to widen. Yet at the same time, some (most) of us try NOT to lose true friends over money.
But what happens when you start to move into pre-retirement and retirement age? Along the way you may have tried to help your friends with small loans or give them advice on how to get ahead. For some, the advice may have helped, for some it may not.
What do you do about friends to have reached retirement age with nothing in their pockets - and then circumstance catches up with them in the form of lost jobs or homes? Do you carry them for as long as you can? Do you turn them away and say sorry, I have to look out for my own future and helping you financially is dragging on my own future?
I always thought it would be easier to be very rich and have poor friends. Being very middle class and having poor friends though is a huge strain.
How do you deal with it?
Interesting topic. And thank you for bringing it to the fore.
I was one of five friends who knew each other since 9th grade. Sadly, the tallest among us - Our Gentle Giant - lost his life in the course of doing his job. The rest of us did fairly well in life. We weren't rich. But we were definitely not poor . . . that is, until friend #1 became a "dad" for the 5th time at age 50. Friend #2 went through a life changing experience which deprived him of friends and family. Friend #3 came down with severe PTSD after two tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. And me - Friend #4 - went through a brutal California Divorce which left me penniless and only able to rent bedrooms in various homes.
My friends and I have found ourselves in unfortunate yet somewhat similar conundrums. And for these reasons we all feel and understand each other's pain. Our relationships are based on us, our personalities, and the bonds we've created over 40+ years of friendship. We may not speak everyday. But when we do, each other's pain becomes our personal pain. Each other's joy becomes our joy. And we are there to assist each other as best we can regardless of the obstacles.
I don't know a heck of a lot of people who have 'failed in life'. I have friends who aren't high income and who haven't accumulated wealth who live a high quality of life. To me, 'failed in life' means you've let things go completely off the rails and are totally isolated. Depression/mental illness. Alcohol. Drugs.
Depression and mental illness are signs of a failed life? What about cancer? or ALS?
a lot of my friends failed in life because they wanted to fail, smoke dope all day, get drunk, lay around the house playing video games, for forty years. sorry cant help you
They chose an atypical life path probably, but how does that equate to failing at life? Who gets to determine the demarcation separating what constitutes a failed life versus a successful one?
I try not to associate with people who have massive problems, but given where I live, that is sometimes tough to do.
I live in a reasonably nice college town, but work and grew up in a manufacturing town that has significant drug and crime problems. Many of my high school and college peers who have remained here have problems with drugs or mental illness. There aren't a lot of winners around.
I think you missed your calling as a family therapist -- seems a perfect fit!
Yes you should help your friends as much as you can, but there is a common sense limit to what one person can do, and a real friend wouldn't impose upon you like that anyway.
What can you do if somebody loses their house? You could put them up for a little while, assuming they are pitching in with the household, and helping out with bills. A true friend wants to help w/out being asked, and a true friend doesn't gripe at you for any pet peeves you might have.A true friend doesn't wear out their welcome, and respects your space. If these components aren't present in your friendships, maybe you should re-examine your friendships. It's quite possible you are seeing your friends for the very first time.
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