Litter or Memorial? (campus, art, buildings)

[sugarlips]

Originally Posted by AOYAS

We all have sympathy for those who have perished. (I myself have recently lost an immediate family member, though, not by auto accident). Most of us do, in fact, understand the pain and grief the family and friends of the deceased are going through.

I don't agree. Unless your family member died on the side of the road, you don't get to say that you understand how they feel. PERIOD!!!!! You may understand your own grief but not theirs.

I do agree that the memorials need to be taken down at some point and in the meantime should be tied down so that debris isn't flying away from the memorial. Like I said in my previous post, how do you even know that the memorial was placed there by the family??? It could have been done by friends of the person or even by a stranger who witnessed the accident or was involved in it. Yet, the posts here seem to suggest that you equate a weathered roadside memorial with a family that doesn't care enough to tend to it. Upon seeing such a memorial, the first thing that should come to the mind of a compassionate person would be to think of the human life that was lost and the community that is in pain. Instead, all I am hearing is, when are they going to bet rid of this eyesore that I am sick of looking at each day?? Could you look the family in the face and tell them to take better care of the memorial because it's bothering you to have to look at it? What about a child whose mother was killed? Surely that might be difficult for you?

We tolerate huge billboards littering our highways and political signs come voting season...weight loss diet pill signs..work from home signs...but recognition of a life that was lost is an eyesore. So, I stand by my comments that it is being insensitive.

[AOYAS]

Originally Posted by sugarlips

I don't agree. Unless your family member died on the side of the road, you don't get to say that you understand how they feel. PERIOD!!!!! You may understand your own grief but not theirs.

I do agree that the memorials need to be taken down at some point and in the meantime should be tied down so that debris isn't flying away from the memorial. Like I said in my previous post, how do you even know that the memorial was placed there by the family??? It could have been done by friends of the person or even by a stranger who witnessed the accident or was involved in it. Yet, the posts here seem to suggest that you equate a weathered roadside memorial with a family that doesn't care enough to tend to it. Upon seeing such a memorial, the first thing that should come to the mind of a compassionate person would be to think of the human life that was lost and the community that is in pain. Instead, all I am hearing is, when are they going to bet rid of this eyesore that I am sick of looking at each day?? Could you look the family in the face and tell them to take better care of the memorial because it's bothering you to have to look at it? What about a child whose mother was killed? Surely that might be difficult for you?

We tolerate huge billboards littering our highways and political signs come voting season...weight loss diet pill signs..work from home signs...but recognition of a life that was lost is an eyesore. So, I stand by my comments that it is being insensitive.

Wow, grace abounds...

You can stand by your opinions all you want...no one here, including me, is telling you not to. You have a right to think what you may. So do I.

I do not feel that my previous post, or the posts of those before me, were insensitive at all. Just because I (we) have not lost a family member to an auto accident, does not mean that we do not understand the pain and grief a person goes through when they have lost a friend or family member. Many people have lost family members and friends, due to many different reasons...natural and unnatural. To say that any one group of people grieve more or less than than any others, which is what you alluded to in your post, is ridiculous, and one cannot make an intelligent argument otherwise.

When I said that most of us understand the pain and grief the families and friends are going through, I did not mean that we understand their exact situation, or that I (we) had been in the exact same situation before...I meant that most of us have lost someone during our lives, and we have all felt the pain and grief that come with losing a loved one. It makes no difference whether the person died of natural causes, a car accident, suicide, or homicide...pain is pain and grief is grief...most of us have felt it at some point in our lives. That is what I was conveying. I thought that was pretty obvious, and judging from the number of private comments I've received today, telling me that they agree with what I wrote, and that they thought my previous post was well-written, I'd venture to guess that most others thought it was pretty obvious, as well. In any case, maybe you can understand it now.

However, I don't think that it is insensitive to ask that people grieve in any number of ways (talking with family and friends, religious or professional counseling, cemetary plot with headstone, cremation urn, memorial service, religious service, open house, newspaper obituary, eulogy, memorial scholarship or charity fund, memorial statue or plaque, written biography, etc etc etc) that do not infringe upon the entire community's right to enjoy their community's public space, without it being littered with piles of what quickly become junk, strewn along the roadside. I understand that the original intention behind these "memorials" is a good one, but under most circumstances, these "memorials" become piles of something that is no different than your common, everyday litter.

As for asking a grieving widow or child, to their face, if they would remove their "memorial" from the road side...what a silly proposition. I don't even think I need to dignify that remark with an answer. When my father died last year, I would never have thought to infringe upon the citizens of the community by piling plastic, paper or glass crosses and flowers along the place where he died. It shouldn't even be an issue...no one should have to ask anyone to remove their "memorial" which has turned to junk..."memorials" that have turned to junk piles shouldn't be there to begin with...that is the entire point. I'm sorry you have missed it.

As for your argument regarding the possibility that the people who placed the "memorials" along the road weren't part of the decedent's family...that is irrelevant. I don't believe that ANYONE should place the paper, plastic, and glass crosses, flowers, candles, etc on the side of the road, as a memorial...including family members, friends, AND/OR strangers of the decedent. It's no different than plain old littering, in my mind. As the saying goes, "There is a time and a place..." The "place" is not along the road. If people want and/or need to memorialize the decedent, there are MANY ways to do so (I only touched on a small sample of these ways above), without infringing on the rights of other citizens to enjoy their community without having to deal with unkempt piles of litter on the roadside.

Just thought I'd also add that political signs, weight loss signs, etc ARE ILLEGAL in most places, and are removed as soon as the proper authorities are made aware that they are up. Yes, obviously you see them from time to time, but that doesn't mean they are *supposed* to be put up...they are, in fact, illegal in many (if not all) areas.

[aj661]

There are some well maintained memorials along the highways. Here are a couple examples:

Bob Martin was a friend and co-worker

I investigated Mr. Patterson's death

[sugarlips]

Originally Posted by AOYAS

I do not feel that my previous post, or the posts of those before me, were insensitive at all. Just because I (we) have not lost a family member to an auto accident, does not mean that we do not understand the pain and grief a person goes through when they have lost a friend or family member. Many people have lost family members and friends, due to many different reasons...natural and unnatural. To say that any one group of people grieve more or less than than any others, which is what you alluded to in your post, is ridiculous, and one cannot make an intelligent argument otherwise.

That is not what I said....I said that it is not "your" grief. People need to grieve in ***different*** ways. I wasn't quantifying anything and I don't think that I implied that. If that is what you thought, then I would like to set it straight.

If a child places a stuffed bear on the side of the road where his/her mother died, what does that mean to you? Probably nothing, right. It's an eyesore. It's litter. Or is it helping a child deal with the grief by doing something cathartic? Just because **you** don't feel it would benefit you to put a memorial at the place of death doesn't mean that those who choose to are wrong. You may be able to understand that they are hurting but you don't know what motivates them to place the memorial. You really don't understand it in a personal way because it's not your pain. The process is different for everyone. That was my point.

As far as infringing upon others rights, well I suppose if you feel that way and others feel that way than maybe you should make calls to the authorities to take the memorials down. That is your right as a citizen.

Now if this thread was about getting tough on graffiti or those trashy billboards and mini signs all over, it would be much more constructive. But to start a thread about roadside memorials to loved ones, I still feel that it is insensitive and I had to step in and provide a little perspective. There have to be more worthwhile causes to spearhead than that.

[sugarlips]

Originally Posted by aj661

There are some well maintained memorials along the highways. Here are a couple examples:

These are beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

[Coyote_Blond]

Well I DID lose my best friend to a drunk driver roadside! And I feel that our grieving was best done graveside... not roadside. She wasn't buried there. But if someone feels they need to memorialize the exact location they lose a loved one at, let there be a time limit. Perhaps 30 days. Some are very distracting & I don't tend to think it stops accidents or there'd be no more drinking and driving crashes. A time limit would give way to both parties needs.

[ejk]

While I understand the controversy surrounding the memorials, they do force me to check my driving when I see them. I am a pretty safe driver to begin with but every time I come across one of those I tend to focus a little bit harder.

[AksarbeN]

They are memorials when they have friends and love ones who actually come by from time to time and cleanup some of the trash that starts to collect there, if not then they become just one more area along the streets and highways that you can call litter.

[sugarlips]

Originally Posted by Coyote_Blond

Well I DID lose my best friend to a drunk driver roadside! And I feel that our grieving was best done graveside... not roadside. She wasn't buried there. But if someone feels they need to memorialize the exact location they lose a loved one at, let there be a time limit. Perhaps 30 days. Some are very distracting & I don't tend to think it stops accidents or there'd be no more drinking and driving crashes. A time limit would give way to both parties needs.

That is what I was trying to say. I found the topic offensive because it seemed as though there wasn't enough emphasis on the fact that we are talking about human life. I feel compassion for those who need these memorials for their healing process. I'm not sure if the motivation of the memorials is to remind people to slow down or for those grieving to have some outlet for their pain...maybe both.

Look at the Virginia Tech shooting yesterday, there are makeshift memorials already being created on the campus. Obviously, these kids need to do something to deal with this tragedy. The memorial is a way to do "something"...a way to say that the students and teachers lives were important and they will be missed. Eventually, even these memorials will become weathered but it doesn't make them litter as some have suggested here.

[AksarbeN]

Most memorials that are placed immediately after a death are placed near that location of the event. That should be a temporary memorial until something permanent can be provided. Grieving for a family member or friend is a “personal” thing and should be done so with dignity, respect and grace.

Those who are victims of the Virginia Tech shooting should have perhaps a permanent memorial placed on campus for all of them. This can be a reminder of their lives and give some meaning to their having been here on earth.

However if there are piles of flowers and glass containers with candles placed everywhere on campus or near the buildings where the shooting occurred after several months everything becomes weathered and appears unsightly. When that happens it no longer is a memorial it is “litter”. If people have any respect for those who have lost their lives then at least “respect” them enough to give them a permanent memorial marker at an appropriate location that is maintained.

Do not disrespect someone’s life by leaving litter as a memorial reminder of them.