young married couple needs some friends! (Pittsburgh, Lebanon: fit in, house, neighborhood)

[wiebkemarsch]

Yes, people have given very good advice, and I reiterate that it is much appreciated and welcomed. So that those offering good tips don't feel like I am ignoring or dismissing their comments, I am a contracted church musician (the performing and the teaching are the two part-time jobs with much older co-workers). I love my church work, and that isn't going to change. We volunteer frequently at church. Thank you for the suggestions to get involved with Pittsburgh charity work, I will certainly look into this. We have made great friends at church, but they are all older. So to answer those who call on us to consider people not in our age bracket, we have done that and continue to do so. We have dinner, I go to ladies' retreats, we meet for brunch -- ladies old enough, and older, to be my mother. We generally have a great time. But for me, this is not the same as having a good girlfriend nearer my age who can better sympathize with my situation since she's living similar experiences as I am. I know it's a lot to ask, and I know that I have a big laundry list here that may be quite less than ideal.

I do agree with one poster pointing out that it's as if we're trying to 'date' our online friends. Unlike that poster however, I don't see that as such a bad thing. Like dating, if someone isn't looking for a significant or for new friends, they are often closed to the possibility of finding someone. As someone else mentioned, there are many cliques here, and it is intimidating to try and break through. This was one of my biggest complaints with MeetIn. The 'regulars' were so chummy with each other, they weren't terribly interested in branching out to new people, ironically, at several events including a new members' social. A while back, I tried to start up two MeetUps with very little success, and ended up joining an established group, whose members sadly all moved away once school was over. If I put myself out there and try to connect with someone who has done the same, who is also looking for a friend, then it's possible we may be on to something.

The CMU list of "Happenings" is a good idea and one I am unfamiliar with. I'll pass that on to the husband to see if we can't get more involved with the crowd.

To those asking what kind of friend I will be once my husband is finished with school, I can't see into the future, but I can say that I do not want to be someone who casts away friends in favor of a relationship. With that goal in mind, should I ever meet people, I hope that I will not fall into this category. It happened to me in high school, and it hurt badly.

I again apologize if I give the impression that I am casting away your ideas with a closed mind. I'm trying not to. Change is hard, continuing the status quo is harder.

[creepsinc]

Originally Posted by pcc09

That's BS. Meeting people is hard almost anywhere, maybe especially so once you are living the married life. I know a married couple or two who have been in NYC for several years and have yet to form any really strong, close friendships with anyone. I'm single and have been here for a couple years and have made some good aquaintances but probably only 1 or 2 really good friends.

Yeah, that's true. I moved to SF after getting married and lived there 4 years, only having the two friends I knew when I moved there. I moved to Seattle knowing one person and quickly knew hundreds. In Pittsburgh (in a different relationship), I've only met a few people. This time, it's more our fault because we don't go out and try. I'd never blame an entire city, that's just silly.

Also, I know we're right for each other because we don't need a vibrant social life. Who are we going to hang out with when we're living in our cabin in the woods one day, anyway? We're like a couple of old people. Also, the OP lost me at fancy dinner parties. Sorry.


I would like to add that our most reliable friend (met here, of all places) is leaving town and we're in the market for a new weekly or biweekly hangout, preferably another couple because it usually works better that way. We don't care if you have kids or not, but we don't like people very much and it shows. The right friend(s) for us are out there somewhere.

[Hopes]

Originally Posted by creepsinc

We don't care if you have kids or not, but we don't like people very much and it shows.

Totally funny! At least you know yourselves! That's important!

[Tallysmom]

We've been together for 30 some odd years (and I do mean ODD!!) and we don't have kids by choice. We don't mind kids, but it is very true when you throw kids into the mix it's far more difficult. It shouldn't have to be, but it does seem that way.

Add to that this economy....

I look back to my parents. My parents had a whole passel of people. We had Memorial Day, Fourth of July and Labor Day barbecues with the old "Greenville Gang". At Christmas Eve we had a HUGE after church/before church party, depending on if you were Catholic or not. My parents bowled in a league, every Friday night.....

Nobody does this anymore. (At least no one we know) What's worse, is when anyone tries -- it's not a comfortable thing. It's very awkward. Like we all lost our social skills....

I wish I had advice for you. I learned to quilt -- keeps me busy. I'd join a quilt guild if the one closest to me wasn't so snobby....

[Katarina Witt]

My church recently started a "young adults" group, distinct from the "Mom's morning out" group, although one could be a member of both, I guess. IIRC, they went throught the youth director to do this, as this person is technically the "Family and Intergenerational" director. I know they have barbecues and the like, and various YAs go, married and single. Perhaps you could try something like that.

[wildrosebd]

Hi OP,

I just moved to Pittsburgh at the end of January. I live in Friendship and am a little older (29 years old).

Anyhow, I think we have a lot in common. I am a liberal woman from the Deep South who was originally raised conservative. I love dinner parties and was a classical musician at one point. I've been an avid reader of the New York Times since I was sixteen, although I have friends who swear by Slate.

I lived in Colorado for about 6 years and I know how tough it can be to make friends in a new place. It took me two or three years to get a good group going. If you and/or your husband want to get a cup of coffee or eat supper together, let me know.

I'd like to make new friends too, especially in Friendship. (Also, at my age, most of my friends are married without kids, so I'm accustomed to that too. I am not married; my boyfriend just moved back to Europe.)

You can send me a message through the direct message system on the forum, I don't want to post my e-mail because of the spammers.

[TYREX]

We will be moving to Pittsburgh soon... 25 yo... but we've had an awesome thing going in our present location for a while now... we have a group (none of us are religious) a pretty large group, and we meet up every sunday at a specific time for brunch.. 8-10 of us usually get together at a certain restaurant or cafe... people can skip but the option is always there... the diversity of the group is amazing - black/white/hispanic/american indian, ages 20 to 65, totally different professional backgrounds etc..
what we do is just talk about our week, complain about weather, politics, money, plan trips out of the city, discuss healthcare reform, whatever, you name it... i think the diversity of the group is what actually keeps it going... and the fact that we dont have same hobbies, share same workplace makes us aware of other options out there, keeps our minds open.
during the week, we txt each other and go grab a beer, or go watch an episode of some show at somebody's house, or come over to help with a plumbing project, or go watch a movie....
try something like that... it may be awkward at first but believe me people want to have friends as much as you do

[user_id]

First I have to say that for whatever reason the mathematics department at CMU is a complete bore in terms of activities, socializing etc.

Secondly, this church thing. The majority of graduate students are not going to be religious and a decent percentage are going to be fairly hassle towards religion. That is to say many of your Husband's fellow graduate students may not want to befriend him because you two are actively religious. Add a conservative political ideology on top of that and there just are not that many people that are going feel a connection with you guys. This sort of thing tends to be a bigger deal in the university environment as these people tend to debate/talk about topics that touch on religion, politics, etc often. Where as in the "normal world" these things are discussed much less often.

[creepsinc]

Originally Posted by user_id

First I have to say that for whatever reason the mathematics department at CMU is a complete bore in terms of activities, socializing etc.
Secondly, this church thing. The majority of graduate students are not going to be religious and a decent percentage are going to be fairly hassle towards religion. That is to say many of your Husband's fellow graduate students may not want to befriend him because you two are actively religious. Add a conservative political ideology on top of that and there just are not that many people that are going feel a connection with you guys. This sort of thing tends to be a bigger deal in the university environment as these people tend to debate/talk about topics that touch on religion, politics, etc often. Where as in the "normal world" these things are discussed much less often.

They're not conservative, they "grew up conservative". I grew up conservative too. I can remember rooting for Reagan in '84 because that's who my whole extended family wanted to win. The Democrats were the bad guys. They still are, to me, but so are the Republicans, so how you grew up doesn't have much bearing on how you are now, at least politically.

I also grew up Southern Baptist, and now I'd probably turn to dust if I walked into a church.

[Renaldo5000]

Originally Posted by creepsinc

I also grew up Southern Baptist, and now I'd probably turn to dust if I walked into a church.

Hahaha. Rep for that.