Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I hope this is not inappropriate use of this forum. If it is, sincerest apologies and the thread will be deleted. After writing the following, I have amended this introduction to warn that parts of this may be viewed as a rant. And I admit: I am tired of being lonely. I want to make friends. I am angry at Pittsburgh for abstract reasons because I have not yet been happy here. And we're here for at least three more years, most likely more.
My husband and I are 24, and we have known each other since we were kids. We're originally from Texas, and we moved up here for my husband to pursue his PhD at CMU. We've been here for three years, two years in Squirrel Hill / Greenfield, and now we're settled in Friendship.
We have had a rough time meeting people and making friends. We have tried MeetIn/MeetUp multiple times and found some success, but those friends moved away, and we haven't had much luck since.
I work several part-time jobs, one of those being at home, and the other jobs have a median age of 55 as my co-workers. My husband's school mates are generally only interested in talking shop after work, and we do get together from time to time, but not close connections have been formed unfortunately.
We've posted on craigslist numerous times for the past two years and have had varying success, but mainly nothing has "stuck."
We're looking for another couple around our age. We've gotten requests from people in their 40s, and while we aren't age-ist, we need a support group that can understand our situation. Also, I'm uncomfortable with people with kids and who are having babies. It's irrational and I do not pretend otherwise. Everyone has issues, says the cliche, and this is one of mine. I'm working on it, but am not ready to face it yet.
My husband and I aren't pop culture types, and we don't sit around and watch sports at all (this is a very sports-centered city. sorry!) We enjoy talking and cooking, playing social board games (and on occasion some competitive ones with the right people). We like to read Slate magazine. We grew up conservative and are branching out into liberal thinking. We like Michael Pollan. I adore old movies -- Greer Garson, Ingrid Bergman, Cary Grant. We feel a little guilty for following "Grey's Anatomy." The Pittsburgh New Music Ensemble intrigues us. I forced my husband to come with me to our season ticket subscription to the opera. We buy a student subscription to the Symphony every year. I'm a musician and can be very harsh to criticize performers. Sometimes I think I could be better. It's okay to be a critic.
I like throwing a good formal dinner party. I don't want you to be uncomfortable with this. It would also be great to get a phone call at 5p and I can say, "I am putting a casserole in the oven. Come on over. We'll make cookies after dinner. I'm out of vanilla, can you bring some over?"
Can anybody help? We love each other and married life is wonderful, but we can only be so much for each other. At some point, our poor quality of life cripples us that we even turn on each other.
Sorry that things aren't working out better for you. I would try joining a PSL team. I realize that sports may not be your thing but a lot of younger adults participate and they have leagues for all sorts of sports. At the very least this would allow you to meet younger professionals, some of which may have similar interests to you. Have you tried joining a church? That might work for you too.
Many of your interests are rather mature for your age. Add to that the fact that you don't want to socialize with people who have children, and you've created quite a dilemma for yourself. People who have children tend to mature faster and are more likely to have interests more similar to yours.
robrobrob's suggestion of joining a church is probably your best bet. That's the best way for you to find conservative minded young couples with similar interests. Do some research to find the churches in the county that tend to appeal to younger people. They're out there, but you might have to attend a church that's different from your denomination in order to find young people your age.
Also, have you considered pursuing some new hobbies that attract younger people? Seriously consider doing that as a couple and separately too!
You and your husband don't need to do everything togther. Pursue separate interests and you'll each make some friends. I think the biggest mistake young couples make is thinking that they can only socialize with other couples. You can have your friends. Your husband can have his friends. And you can have mutual friends too. Quit looking at friendship from a couple's perspective. That's only one aspect of friendship in marriage.
There are a thousand ways to meet new people. Heck, I met a girl last week while I was taking my dog to a training class. As others have suggested, church is a good choice. You can also join a cooking class or a dance class with your husband. A friend of mine took a cooking classes at CCAC a few years ago and there were a lot of couples there. I'm sure Shadyside, Squirrel Hill, or the South Side has some restaurants that offer wine tasting classes. Those are usually full of couples. If you're now liberal, check out if there is a "Young Democrats" club in the city. I have a friend that used to be a member of some young entrepreneurs club. It was an under 30 thing for small business owners and real estate investors. A lot of them were pretty mature for their age and many were already married.
I hope this is not inappropriate use of this forum. If it is, sincerest apologies and the thread will be deleted. After writing the following, I have amended this introduction to warn that parts of this may be viewed as a rant. And I admit: I am tired of being lonely. I want to make friends. I am angry at Pittsburgh for abstract reasons because I have not yet been happy here. And we're here for at least three more years, most likely more.
My husband and I are 24, and we have known each other since we were kids. We're originally from Texas, and we moved up here for my husband to pursue his PhD at CMU. We've been here for three years, two years in Squirrel Hill / Greenfield, and now we're settled in Friendship.
We have had a rough time meeting people and making friends. We have tried MeetIn/MeetUp multiple times and found some success, but those friends moved away, and we haven't had much luck since.
I work several part-time jobs, one of those being at home, and the other jobs have a median age of 55 as my co-workers. My husband's school mates are generally only interested in talking shop after work, and we do get together from time to time, but not close connections have been formed unfortunately.
We've posted on craigslist numerous times for the past two years and have had varying success, but mainly nothing has "stuck."
We're looking for another couple around our age. We've gotten requests from people in their 40s, and while we aren't age-ist, we need a support group that can understand our situation. Also, I'm uncomfortable with people with kids and who are having babies. It's irrational and I do not pretend otherwise. Everyone has issues, says the cliche, and this is one of mine. I'm working on it, but am not ready to face it yet.
My husband and I aren't pop culture types, and we don't sit around and watch sports at all (this is a very sports-centered city. sorry!) We enjoy talking and cooking, playing social board games (and on occasion some competitive ones with the right people). We like to read Slate magazine. We grew up conservative and are branching out into liberal thinking. We like Michael Pollan. I adore old movies -- Greer Garson, Ingrid Bergman, Cary Grant. We feel a little guilty for following "Grey's Anatomy." The Pittsburgh New Music Ensemble intrigues us. I forced my husband to come with me to our season ticket subscription to the opera. We buy a student subscription to the Symphony every year. I'm a musician and can be very harsh to criticize performers. Sometimes I think I could be better. It's okay to be a critic.
I like throwing a good formal dinner party. I don't want you to be uncomfortable with this. It would also be great to get a phone call at 5p and I can say, "I am putting a casserole in the oven. Come on over. We'll make cookies after dinner. I'm out of vanilla, can you bring some over?"
Can anybody help? We love each other and married life is wonderful, but we can only be so much for each other. At some point, our poor quality of life cripples us that we even turn on each other.
Thanks for listening.
I'm sure I'm oversimplifying, but your husband can't find people with like interests at CMU?! When I was in college that was an automatic. Honestly I'd like to help, but I just don't get it...
It sounds like you're so focused and particular in what you want in these "friends" it is almost like you're trying to online date them. Friendships can't be forced. Your interests aren't really similar to others your age. Actually, you don't seem to have many interests where natural friendships can blossom from - you don't like pop culture, you don't care for sports, you don't want to deal with people with kids. Those are some of the main things around which friendships can be formed.
I'm betting that there are people who would like to get to know you, but you're automatically writing them off because they don't meet your "qualifications". It sounds like you're a) trying to hard and b) writing off people too quickly and c) trying to do too much as a couple. It also sounds like you should expand your interests- you're only 24! I am not athletic at all and started learning to golf when I was 27, and now I'm decent (it's a very social sport). Or join a book club, cooking class etc.
It also seems that when you live in the city, it is more difficult to form friendships with neighbors. City residents seem to be more transient than in the suburbs, and might be less open.
For instance, my husband and I moved into a new house in a new development at the end of July. Over the last few months, we've gotten to be friends with two families that moved in shortly after us. How we met them and started talking- outside, working in our yards or when they've been playing with their children outside (we are expecting our first child any day now). The environment just lends itself to it more.
By contrast, one of my best friends lives in Friendship/Shadyside in a large house on a nice street. Her husband and her have lived there for several years and have a toddler. They're very social people, but barely know anyone in their neighborhood. The ones they do are only in passing.
Certainly we appreciate all of the responses. Yes we are imperfect. Yes, we do not have interests that are similar to others' our age. I do take issue with pointing this out as though it's a bad thing. So should we force ourselves to be in an uncomfortable environment, like a bar that blasts music so loud you can't hear the person next to you, and if you try, you get a headache? We've tried this, we aren't comfortable, and in hindsight would have preferred to stay at home playing with our dog. We also don't have the money to spend on endless drinks out (or a new set of golf clubs). But I don't think people should have to change their interests just because their age does not reflect what they are 'supposed' to be doing. We've both had this problem our entire lives, and it has always posed a problem in making friends. But at the same time, both of us have had very dear friends growing up. I just need a friend here and now.
I also agree that living in the city limits interaction with others, however we have moved every year for six years and now have a three-year lease. We won't be moving anytime soon.
When your husband is pursuing a PhD in math, there is little time for anything else. I treasure moments I can have with him, because the work is debilitatingly exhausting. It will all be worth it in the end, but some of the responses indicate that it is not understood what a math PhD entails. Graduate work in mathematics is worlds away from being an undergrad; the only comparable element is that a degree is awarded at the completion of study. We don't have time to join clubs together since his schedule is constantly changing.
The one thing I have gleaned from responses so far is that I, not in a PhD program, do have more time, and I can perhaps begin to pursue things on my own.
I just love my husband dearly, and activities aren't as fulfilling without him. Maybe this is something to examine, but again, if we had more time together, this would be a point to celebrate, not to try to change.
Please be kind and gentle and don't judge. We are really hurting here, most especially I am hurting.
Last edited by wiebkemarsch; 02-12-2010 at 12:29 PM..
The one thing I have gleaned from responses so far is that I, not in a PhD program, do have more time, and I can perhaps to pursue things on my own.
I'm glad this thread helped you realize this. It's very important to have separate friends and interests. Just the fact that you feel lost without your husband is proof of how self development is important in the healthiest of marriages.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wiebkemarsch
I just love my husband dearly, and activities aren't as fulfilling without him. Maybe this is something to examine, but again, if we had more time together, this would be a point to celebrate, not to try to change.
I disagree. While it's wonderful that you love each other very much, you can't live in a marriage bubble. As you've discovered, it's isolating to do so.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wiebkemarsch
But at the same time, both of us have had very dear friends growing up. I just need a friend here and now.
What will happen to this new friend once your husband has more time available? Will you be one of those people who disappear from friends after marriage or after your husband has more time for you? Those type of people do tend to find themselves in the type of situation you're in right now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wiebkemarsch
Please be kind and gentle and don't judge. We are really hurting here, most especially I am hurting.
I just want to clarify that I wasn't judging you. I was merely pointing out the WHY.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wiebkemarsch
So should we force ourselves to be in an uncomfortable environment, like a bar that blasts music so loud you can't hear the person next to you, and if you try, you get a headache? We've tried this, we aren't comfortable, and in hindsight would have preferred to stay at home playing with our dog.
Absolutely not. You just need to be more creative in how to find similar minded people. Taking classes---cooking classes, art classes, etc.---is one example.
You said that your part-time work is mostly with older people. Have you considered finding a part time job that is a good match for your interests that attracts younger people?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
