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A group of Democratic senators and congressmen visiting Iraq, together with a U.S. Marine, got captured by al-Qaeda and brought to a safe house north of Baghdad. The terrorists announce they will behead the captives, but promise to grant each of them a last wish.
~ Chuck Schumer asks for the opportunity to appoint one final congressional committee to investigate this kidnapping and blame it on the Bush-Cheney-Halliburton oil-cabal.
Nancy Pelosi would like one last lift from her plastic surgeon, a TV camera to film her final address as Speaker, and a tuna sandwich for her last meal.
Ted Kennedy wants to see the American nation hail him as a great man like his brother John, in addition to a bottle of scotch, a large inground pool filled up, a hooker, and an Oldsmobile.
John Murtha asks for some pork to be wired to him so he can name a mosque after himself. Then he politely inquires if the terrorists are not with the FBI and if this kidnapping business is not another ABSCAM sting.
Harry Reid would like to pass one last piece of legislation that would outlaw the Republican Party. He also inquires whether any real estate ventures are possible during his internment, and whether his children can lobby for his release as long as they're well paid.
Diane Feinstein wants all firearms in Iraq to be declared illegal and confiscated by the government. She also demands a phone call to her husband to see if any portion of the Department of Defense budget has not yet been transferred to her private bank account.
Barak Obama requests direct negotiations with al-Qaeda leaders and invites them to take part in his invasion of Pakistan, for which he would pay them as soon as he gets the reparation business sorted out.
Hillary asks about the fundraising situation around Baghdad, whether the terrorists would like to contribute cash to her presidential campaign, or if she can at least get them in a focus group.
Finally, the al-Qaeda terrorists ask the Marine for his last request.
"It's very simple," says the Marine. "I would like the biggest, toughest man here to kick me in the ass."
Everybody is perplexed. "Are you sure?"
"Yes sir. Have that guy over there, the one praying, come over here and kick me in the ass as hard as he can."
The Senators scoff and snicker, as this seems to confirm their notion of the average American soldier's stupidity.
The terrorist gets up from his prayer rug and kicks the Marine in the posterior so hard that he flies to the opposite wall, where he pulls out a 9mm submachine gun hidden under his coat, and shoots all the terrorists. Two pit bulls race into the room and lunge at his throat, but he pulls a knife from his boot and slices them to pieces.
The elected representatives are indignant. "What took you so long? Why did you let us suffer like that if you had the power to stop it from the very beginning?"
"The Rules of Engagement don't allow us to shoot unless we're under attack," the Marine says wearily. "These rules are made in Washington; I just follow them." Then he lifts a cell phone from one of the dead terrorists and calls in a rescue team.
The next day in the New York Times:
MARINE REFUSES TO DEFEND
CONGRESSIONAL DELEGATION;
FACES INVESTIGATION
FOR ILLEGALLY CONCEALED WEAPON,
DESECRATION OF A HOLY PLACE,
AND RUNNING OVER DOGS
A group of Democratic senators and congressmen visiting Iraq, together with a U.S. Marine, got captured by al-Qaeda and brought to a safe house north of Baghdad. The terrorists announce they will behead the captives, but promise to grant each of them a last wish.
~
Chuck Schumer asks for the opportunity to appoint one final congressional committee to investigate this kidnapping and blame it on the Bush-Cheney-Halliburton oil-cabal.
Nancy Pelosi would like one last lift from her plastic surgeon, a TV camera to film her final address as Speaker, and a tuna sandwich for her last meal.
Ted Kennedy wants to see the American nation hail him as a great man like his brother John, in addition to a bottle of scotch, a large inground pool filled up, a hooker, and an Oldsmobile.
John Murtha asks for some pork to be wired to him so he can name a mosque after himself. Then he politely inquires if the terrorists are not with the FBI and if this kidnapping business is not another ABSCAM sting.
Harry Reid would like to pass one last piece of legislation that would outlaw the Republican Party. He also inquires whether any real estate ventures are possible during his internment, and whether his children can lobby for his release as long as they're well paid.
Diane Feinstein wants all firearms in Iraq to be declared illegal and confiscated by the government. She also demands a phone call to her husband to see if any portion of the Department of Defense budget has not yet been transferred to her private bank account.
Barak Obama requests direct negotiations with al-Qaeda leaders and invites them to take part in his invasion of Pakistan, for which he would pay them as soon as he gets the reparation business sorted out.
Hillary asks about the fundraising situation around Baghdad, whether the terrorists would like to contribute cash to her presidential campaign, or if she can at least get them in a focus group.
Finally, the al-Qaeda terrorists ask the Marine for his last request.
"It's very simple," says the Marine. "I would like the biggest, toughest man here to kick me in the ass."
Everybody is perplexed. "Are you sure?"
"Yes sir. Have that guy over there, the one praying, come over here and kick me in the ass as hard as he can."
The Senators scoff and snicker, as this seems to confirm their notion of the average American soldier's stupidity.
The terrorist gets up from his prayer rug and kicks the Marine in the posterior so hard that he flies to the opposite wall, where he pulls out a 9mm submachine gun hidden under his coat, and shoots all the terrorists. Two pit bulls race into the room and lunge at his throat, but he pulls a knife from his boot and slices them to pieces.
The elected representatives are indignant. "What took you so long? Why did you let us suffer like that if you had the power to stop it from the very beginning?"
"The Rules of Engagement don't allow us to shoot unless we're under attack," the Marine says wearily. "These rules are made in Washington; I just follow them." Then he lifts a cell phone from one of the dead terrorists and calls in a rescue team.
The next day in the New York Times:
MARINE REFUSES TO DEFEND
CONGRESSIONAL DELEGATION;
FACES INVESTIGATION
FOR ILLEGALLY CONCEALED WEAPON,
DESECRATION OF A HOLY PLACE,
AND RUNNING OVER DOGS
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Second That !!!!
