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I'm sure there are nursing home patients who get no visitors. But I think there are many who do get visitors. My husband's aunt was in a nursing home b/c her husband could no longer take care of her. He went to see her every day, and spent most of his day there with her. He died a few months after she did.
Agreed. I read an article once that said that upper-class women tend to hire someone to care for their parents, either in-home or out; lower income women end up quitting their jobs to take care of a family member. And it's true that often the rest of the family is perfectly happy with the situation, that is, they don't have to do anything. I once threatened to send my mom to live with my brother when he was refusing to help.
My grandmother lived with us and when I was hospicing her, one day her daughter and another granddaughter came to visit her. It was perfect timing because I had to drop off my girls across town at their school when they got there. I was literally gone ten minutes. They didn't wait for me to get back.
I could never had put her in a home. NEVER. She raised me and took care of me. She was my rock. I knew her habits and the schedule of her day as well as I know my own.
I do not fault people that do, but please go see them. Make sure they're close enough to visit every day. They need that sense of belonging. It keeps them going and helps them heal.
My grandmother got sick 3 years before she died. I regret not one moment. Caring for an elderly person is so hard. It's non stop and you drop at night for sleep. It's the most precious time you could ever spend with them.
Last edited by Jerseyt719; 04-11-2013 at 07:29 PM..
Reason: Dumb auto correct
My neighbor for example, had to go to a nursing home in order to get medicine by IV during the day.. (1 a day). Insurance (government insurance) would pay for the nursing home, and for the medication, but they wouldnt pay for someone to come to the home to give it to him thereby saving money.
What if the "children" are elderly themselves? My grandmother is 96 years old, and just within the last few years got to point of needing 24-hour care... her only child within 3000 miles (my aunt) is pushing 70 herself, so do you expect her to have the capacity to care for a 96 year-old and her physical needs? And my grandmother is still perfectly lucid, so it's not like that decision was made for her - in fact, she even helped to choose her facility. Not to mention, she is visited almost daily by my aunt & uncle, plus those of us on the west coast visit her 2-3x/year. How is that abandonment?
Furthermore, if you knew my aunt & uncle, you'd understand why she CHOSE to live in a facility instead of with them... I love my relatives, but living with those two wouldn't be my first choice either.
in this nation. To me this is a result of the consumerist, selfish mindset that has permeated this nation. Please spare me the PC all races do this crapola. Ive seen the numbers and more whites throw their parents in nursing homes than do hispanics, blacks, and Asians. What a dirtbag mentality. The people who have given you life and brought you into this world, raised you and you cant be bothered with them? I am white, but I'll call out my own race when I have to and call a spade a spade. When it comes to how to respect your elders and treat your parents I really admire as we all should the Asians and Indians.
I look at my parent's friends and most saved and planned for their retirement. They lived well within their means, stayed in their homes as long as they could, then sold their houses and with that money moved into assisted living or whatever. This was the greatest generation and they sure are independent. I doubt many of them would even consider moving into a mother-in-law's apartment/suite/room. I do agree it's pretty horrible when they have families who won't visit or get involved though.
Boy, you sure did find a way to put a nice face on this. Figures.
Anyway...I don't know if this is a white thing per se. I think it's economic more than anything else. Whites have the money to afford putting their parents (and problems) in a nursing home.
I'd be interested in getting the numbers on what happens in middle class black families that can afford it.
Middle class blacks would have the same issues that middle class whites have -- very often they need to work for a living and so cannot provide 24-7 nursing care to their loved one. Or middle class blacks like middle class whites have children of their own to care for, and to give children what children need, cannot sit and tend to an invalid every waking moment.
And middle class blacks probably also have the notion that they don't want to have one child give up her life to be their nursemaid.
While I don't agree with your portrayal of minority 'parents' ~ I certainly agree with the sentiment of being raised with the expectation of being a free caretaker. I see it time and again - many of my women friends are exhausted trying to care for an aging parent AND raise their children AND work. It's too much and seems to always fall on the woman. Always. My cousin was groomed to be her mother's caretaker from the minute she was born. She doesn't work but I can see that spending all her time with my elderly aunt (92) and her elderly mother (91) is taking it's toll.
My elderly father is living with me and has been for three years; but I can't say how much longer I will continue.
I have already told my son - to put me in a nursing home (or the nice Assisted Living Facility if I can afford it). I have NO intention of he or his wife changing my diapers or cleaning my catheter. No thanks; I'll leave that to the pros.
I want to be remembered as a loving Mother and NOT have someone counting the minutes until I die because I've enslaved them with my endless need.
memb
Lastly, living to age 92, ain't all it's cracked up to be. Break out the cigarettes, I've got no intention of outliving my usefulness.
Ugh. I want nothing like that.
None of my parents or grandparents ever ended up in a nursing home, but my mother always said she did not want us ever having to change her diaper if that was ever needed, she felt that was the purpose of nursing homes. She said she never ever wanted to be a burden, she didn't want us to remember her as someone whose diaper we had to change.
I think it is the way the parents raise the kids, parents who don't want to be burdens on their children, who don't want to sacrifice one child, raise them to believe they should have their own careers, families and lives. Other parents (not necessarily "minority" parents) really do groom one select child to believe she must be their caretaker. I see this quite often, very often the selected one doesn't marry, never leaves home and dedicates her life to the care of the elderly, and this becomes 24-7 with no days off. She will hear of siblings and cousins taking nice vacation trips, going out for an evening of fun, while she must remain home. Interestingly enough those other family members that never offer to lift a finger, provide even one day of relief, take great pride that their loved one never went to a nursing home.
It seems quite common that all but one fully believe they are entitled to have a career and family and can travel as they wish. There can be 7 or more siblings, the whole burden is just on one, the others are just as "free" as the "whites" they condemn.
None of my parents or grandparents ever ended up in a nursing home, but my mother always said she did not want us ever having to change her diaper if that was ever needed, she felt that was the purpose of nursing homes. She said she never ever wanted to be a burden, she didn't want us to remember her as someone whose diaper we had to change.
I think it is the way the parents raise the kids, parents who don't want to be burdens on their children, who don't want to sacrifice one child, raise them to believe they should have their own careers, families and lives. Other parents (not necessarily "minority" parents) really do groom one select child to believe she must be their caretaker. I see this quite often, very often the selected one doesn't marry, never leaves home and dedicates her life to the care of the elderly, and this becomes 24-7 with no days off. She will hear of siblings and cousins taking nice vacation trips, going out for an evening of fun, while she must remain home. Interestingly enough those other family members that never offer to lift a finger, provide even one day of relief, take great pride that their loved one never went to a nursing home.
It seems quite common that all but one fully believe they are entitled to have a career and family and can travel as they wish. There can be 7 or more siblings, the whole burden is just on one, the others are just as "free" as the "whites" they condemn.
Yes, I think the bolded is definitely true in many cases. And that is regardless of race, although having grown up in the Bay Area, I have seen it as mostly common among the Asian families. That's just a cultural difference, as those from "the old country" consider it a daughter's (never a son's) DUTY to care for their elderly parents. Usually this is bestowed upon the youngest daughter, if there is more than one, or at least whichever is most willing to forgo marriage/kids/career/etc.
This got me thinking about a regular library patron I help, who is the primary caretaker for her mentally ill sister. She (the patron) is around 50 years old, never married, no children, and recently gave up her job at a department store... pretty sure she gave up the job to care for her sister, and might be getting financial help from the state and/or family members to make it happen. This poor woman is just miserable now, and comes to the library for two reasons - the conversation I provide, and to rent movies since that's all she can do to "escape." Not a fun existence, I take it.
Yes, I think the bolded is definitely true in many cases. And that is regardless of race, although having grown up in the Bay Area, I have seen it as mostly common among the Asian families. That's just a cultural difference, as those from "the old country" consider it a daughter's (never a son's) DUTY to care for their elderly parents. Usually this is bestowed upon the youngest daughter, if there is more than one, or at least whichever is most willing to forgo marriage/kids/career/etc.
This got me thinking about a regular library patron I help, who is the primary caretaker for her mentally ill sister. She (the patron) is around 50 years old, never married, no children, and recently gave up her job at a department store... pretty sure she gave up the job to care for her sister, and might be getting financial help from the state and/or family members to make it happen. This poor woman is just miserable now, and comes to the library for two reasons - the conversation I provide, and to rent movies since that's all she can do to "escape." Not a fun existence, I take it.
One thing I've found interesting in these families -- if there are no daughters but there is one gay son, he's the selected one but never a straight son it seems. Never.
Since the caretaker very often must forego having her own family, I always wonder who will take care of her when she needs it -- often she has no children of her own, and also no career so no retirement plan or pension.
Speaking of which, I recently had an argument with my sister over this very issue. Our father has very early-stage dementia, and we were discussing the possibility of his needing long-term care... my sister said "obviously YOU would have to move in with him (he's got a giant house), and if necessary quit your job. After all, I have a more 'important' job and two children." While I would obviously do anything for my father, it made me VERY mad how she just threw that burden on me. Just because I don't make as much money, and don't have any children yet, she and my brother are exempt from making those sacrifices? And who's to say my job isn't important to ME? Not to mention, he does have a slightly younger and perfectly healthy wife - plus all the financial means to hire a private caretaker, if it gets to the point where his wife can't handle everything.
(hopefully his condition won't get that bad, but the ifs & assumptions were just a bit insulting to me)
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