How #metoo is shaping how men understand their relationships with women (Al Franken, accuse)
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This editorial in the NYT is really interesting - analyzing how men in therapy have reacted post-#metoo.
Quote:
The fear of being emasculated leads men to rationalize awful behavior. This kind of toxic shame is in direct contradiction with the healthy shame that we all need to feel in order to acknowledge mistakes and take responsibility.
Very often, I have found, men’s difficulties with women are rooted in their boyhood. With the medical resident, for example, underneath the constant pursuit of women were painful memories that led him to believe that he was unacceptable in his father’s eyes. A 42-year-old entrepreneur who came to see me because of his serial cheating and lying described his motivations as if he were still a 15-year-old boy craving the approval of his peers: “I actually don’t even like the sex that much, but there’s something satisfying about adding a notch in the belt. I imagine other guys would be impressed if they knew.”
I hadn't thought about how men may also be replaying and rethinking their interactions with women in the past when stories like Weinstein and Ansari came out.
Some may not even have the language to explain it.
It is clear, especially here in this forum, that some men see women as conquests and not partners. And the shapes their approach, interactions and relationship health.
In terms of the topic of the article, how men are reacting in therapy after the #metoo movement,
I like that he distinguishes between "toxic shame" and "healthy shame."
In terms of what we see so often from men who come here to complain CD about not being able to connect with women, I thought this quote about one man's bad dating experiences resonated:
"He was focused on tuning out his own discomfort and was unaware of the feelings of the woman in front of him...."
He eventually acknowledged that he had been so focused on performing for dates that he wasn’t really connecting to them, unable to accurately read his date’s reactions.
Something that's come up in real life, but not so much in the article is that some guys I've talked to seem more upset that women are rocking the boat asking for justice or even just acknowledgement of their experiences, than that men have done and said things to put women in that position. It was easier for them when women kept quiet and they didn't have to reflect on their own behavior.
Last edited by fleetiebelle; 07-06-2018 at 06:03 PM..
Something that's come up in real life, but not so much in the article is that some guys I've talked to seem more upset that women are rocking the boat asking for justice or even just acknowledgement of their experiences, than that men have done and said things to put women in that position. It was easier for them when women kept quiet and they didn't have to reflect on their own behavior.
This. Oddly, they're resisting developing empathy. It's pretty alarming, really. It means that there's a significant percentage of men who go into dating and relationships without any empathy for their partners.
I'm sure the article was written by women or soy boys and is completely off the mark.
The article was written about the concerns men have begun to express to therapists, and a new trend among men to reflect upon their own past harmful behavior toward women. Actually, some male therapists have been concerned for decades about their male clients' lack of ability to connect emotionally with women, and show concern for their well-being. I guess they never felt the need to bring their observations into the public domain for discussion, before. We may be hearing from them in the not-too-distant future, though.
I had to research #metoo a little bit. It seems like it's mostly celebrities who are caught up in this. Which would minimize the implication that it's a male problem rather than just a rich, famous male problem. I don't think it's any secret that rich, famous people are used to getting what they want. Therefore telling them "no" would result in a stronger reaction, like harassment or assault. Maybe what I'm suggesting is that this is less a western culture problem and more a lifestyles of the rich and famous problem.
I had to research #metoo a little bit. It seems like it's mostly celebrities who are caught up in this. Which would minimize the implication that it's a male problem rather than just a rich, famous male problem. I don't think it's any secret that rich, famous people are used to getting what they want. Therefore telling them "no" would result in a stronger reaction, like harassment or assault. Maybe what I'm suggesting is that this is less a western culture problem and more a lifestyles of the rich and famous problem.
Except that it's not. #metoo was brought to the forefront by the behavior of people like Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby and Louis CK and Al Franken, but it spread because women in all lines of work, not just entertainment, felt empowered to say, "yes, this happened to me, too." This happens in academia, medicine, business, law, retail, politics, etc. Sexual entitlement goes beyond the rich. That's why it's so big--if you asked the women just on this forum to describe a time when they were sexually harassed or assaulted or discriminated against, most of us would have a story.
It seems like it's mostly celebrities who are caught up in this.
"Caught up" in this"?? You mean those who are accused?
It makes sense that Google-able results would show mostly celebrities who were accused over "average joes," and that media outlets might hesitate to name "average joes" who have been accused (but not tried and convicted) of crimes.
There are testimonials out there from women who discuss being assaulted by "no-names."
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