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What are your views on a adoption? With the controversy of pro-choice or pro-life being argued I thought I would see what the views are on adoption.
I myself have mixed views. I think adoption can be a great thing for unwanted children. But being someone who is married to an adoptee and knowing someone who gave a child up for adoption I have also seen some of the negative aspects of adoption.
My husband was raised in a very loving home with wonderful adoptive parents. He has no complaints about his life except for one thing. He does not know who he is. He’s lost and has a desire to find a biological relative so that he can get answers to who is. He knows he was loved and was wanted by his adoptive parents, but he also feels like a reject. He’s a bag of mixed emotions and has a hard time with getting close to someone, I think out of the fear that sits in his subconscious of being rejected yet again.
I think a good majority of adoptees have that feeling of rejection and uncertainty of who they are. There are a great number of adoptees that are searching for answers even with the majority of those being raised in good adoptive homes. They are happy but unhappy at the same time. Again a mixed bag of emotions.
Now the gal that gave up a baby did so not so much by her choice but more of the choice of her parents. This was at a time when abortions were still being done in back alleys and having a child out of wedlock was unacceptable. She spent a good chunk of her life wondering if the child had a good home, what the child grew up to be, what it looked like, so on and so on. She was never able to have children ever again due to some female problems that she had a few years after giving up her one and only child that she would ever have. This made it even harder on her. The child and her have since been reunited and from what I understand have a pretty good relationship.
Now the above situation turned out well for the both of them. But what about when an adoptee goes looking for a mother who gave the child up after a rape or molestation and wanted absolutely nothing to do with having a child created under those circumstances but was either forced or convinced to have it anyways and adopt it out? What kind of trauma does that bring up for that mother? What kind of trauma does that raise with the child when they find out they were a product of something horrible and are rejected yet again by the mother because she wants to forget? I’ve heard where the very thought of the child existing, especially after it was created under horrible circumstances, has made some mothers physically ill.
Again, I think that adoption can be great for a lot of folks who are wanting and those who are unwanted, but I also think it creates a lot of uncertain and scared people at the same time. I think that some adoptive parents also have a fear of one day being rejected by their adopted child if the child should one day find their biological family. It can fill holes but also makes holes as well. It can be a sense of relief for some and a trauma for others.
What are your views on a adoption? With the controversy of pro-choice or pro-life being argued I thought I would see what the views are on adoption.
I myself have mixed views. I think adoption can be a great thing for unwanted children. But being someone who is married to an adoptee and knowing someone who gave a child up for adoption I have also seen some of the negative aspects of adoption.
My husband was raised in a very loving home with wonderful adoptive parents. He has no complaints about his life except for one thing. He does not know who he is. He’s lost and has a desire to find a biological relative so that he can get answers to who is. He knows he was loved and was wanted by his adoptive parents, but he also feels like a reject. He’s a bag of mixed emotions and has a hard time with getting close to someone, I think out of the fear that sits in his subconscious of being rejected yet again.
I think a good majority of adoptees have that feeling of rejection and uncertainty of who they are. There are a great number of adoptees that are searching for answers even with the majority of those being raised in good adoptive homes. They are happy but unhappy at the same time. Again a mixed bag of emotions.
Now the gal that gave up a baby did so not so much by her choice but more of the choice of her parents. This was at a time when abortions were still being done in back alleys and having a child out of wedlock was unacceptable. She spent a good chunk of her life wondering if the child had a good home, what the child grew up to be, what it looked like, so on and so on. She was never able to have children ever again due to some female problems that she had a few years after giving up her one and only child that she would ever have. This made it even harder on her. The child and her have since been reunited and from what I understand have a pretty good relationship.
Now the above situation turned out well for the both of them. But what about when an adoptee goes looking for a mother who gave the child up after a rape or molestation and wanted absolutely nothing to do with having a child created under those circumstances but was either forced or convinced to have it anyways and adopt it out? What kind of trauma does that bring up for that mother? What kind of trauma does that raise with the child when they find out they were a product of something horrible and are rejected yet again by the mother because she wants to forget? I’ve heard where the very thought of the child existing, especially after it was created under horrible circumstances, has made some mothers physically ill.
Again, I think that adoption can be great for a lot of folks who are wanting and those who are unwanted, but I also think it creates a lot of uncertain and scared people at the same time. I think that some adoptive parents also have a fear of one day being rejected by their adopted child if the child should one day find their biological family. It can fill holes but also makes holes as well. It can be a sense of relief for some and a trauma for others.
I actually have a lot to say on this topic but I'll try to keep it short. Basically, people need to know what they're getting into. They need to go through reputable agencies or even do a public adoption in order to be sure that everything is ethical and that both birth parents agree to the adoption, the birth mother isn't being coerced, etc. If you're adopting transracially you should make yourself aware of certain needs. For instance, a white couple adopting an African American baby should educate themselves on how to care for the baby's skin and hair. A lot of decisions have to be made about things like open adoption, when to start telling the baby (letting him or her know from birth or waiting although I wouldn't recommend the latter), and making sure your child knows that you're the lucky one for having them and that they're wanted and just because their birth mother couldn't keep them doesn't mean that they're a reject. Plus, many adoptions being done today (not sure on how many) are open adoptions so the birth parents provide as much medical info as possible, they receive pictures and letters about the child but they don't try to take them away (because legally they can't, birth parents aren't evil they're just misrepresented by the few who come back years later and cause trouble), and if the adoptive parents let the child know early on, the child can someday meet their birth parents if wanted. I think this will lead to less people feeling as though they don't know who they are unlike the mainly closed adoptions of previous generations. They won't feel so abandoned, I think. The thing about adoption though, is that it is a major loss on both sides. Even if the birth mother can't or doesn't want to keep her baby, biologically and psychologically it is a loss. And the baby loses his or her mother as well, although they gain one in return. Everyone has to come to terms with that loss in their own time and with proper counseling if necessary and must be understanding of the feelings any adopted child might have. Overall though, I think adoption is a good thing and although loss is inherent in the process, with the right family the child gains a loving family who can take care of him or her.
I agree to open adoptions. I think that it can make things better for all involved. I hope that, that choice gets used more often. I also wish that more states would open up their adoption records. For those that were adopted during a time when open adoptions were not as frequent, it makes it hard for an adoptee to find any info. about themselves. Yes they can get old dated medical info. and maybe a bit of info. about nationality. But that is about it. At least with open adoptions medical info. is kept updated and the child can trace their ancestral roots if they so wish plus they can look in the mirror and have some idea of who they look like.
As a father of two adopted children I will admit my opinion might be biased. Both of our boys, now 26 & 33, have known, virtually from birth, that they were adopted. We have talked to them through the years about their desire to find/meet their birth mother and offered our help. Neither one expressed any interest. They are both secure in the fact that their birth mother surrendered them because, while she loved them, she could not provide for their needs. Maybe the fact that one of their cousins placed her child for adoption 20 years ago, and still misses him but talks about how he is better off helps. It might be the regular stories, on Chicago news reports, about a child found in a dumpster that helps them realize they did not get the fuzzy end of the lollipop. Genetics does not produce love, compassion, the desire to help others or the drive to succeed. They are the product of proper nurturing and training.
As a father of two adopted children I will admit my opinion might be biased. Both of our boys, now 26 & 33, have known, virtually from birth, that they were adopted. We have talked to them through the years about their desire to find/meet their birth mother and offered our help. Neither one expressed any interest. They are both secure in the fact that their birth mother surrendered them because, while she loved them, she could not provide for their needs. Maybe the fact that one of their cousins placed her child for adoption 20 years ago, and still misses him but talks about how he is better off helps. It might be the regular stories, on Chicago news reports, about a child found in a dumpster that helps them realize they did not get the fuzzy end of the lollipop. Genetics does not produce love, compassion, the desire to help others or the drive to succeed. They are the product of proper nurturing and training.
As a father of two adopted children I will admit my opinion might be biased. Both of our boys, now 26 & 33, have known, virtually from birth, that they were adopted. We have talked to them through the years about their desire to find/meet their birth mother and offered our help. Neither one expressed any interest. They are both secure in the fact that their birth mother surrendered them because, while she loved them, she could not provide for their needs. Maybe the fact that one of their cousins placed her child for adoption 20 years ago, and still misses him but talks about how he is better off helps. It might be the regular stories, on Chicago news reports, about a child found in a dumpster that helps them realize they did not get the fuzzy end of the lollipop. Genetics does not produce love, compassion, the desire to help others or the drive to succeed. They are the product of proper nurturing and training.
This is the way to do it.
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