My neighbors seem unfriendly - how do people in Portland get to know one another? (how much, house)

[davemess10]

What's with all the people talking about Minnesota in this thread? Did I skip message boards again.......

[Minervah]

Neighbor situations can change quickly. When I first moved into my apartment building about six years ago, it was a real community of friendly people. There are eight apartments in the building. We have a nice courtyard with a huge shade tree and a large backyard.

Our landlord and his wife lived in the building. Every summer he would have a bar-b-que for the tennants in my building and the two adjancent ones he also owned. He even had a drawing with all kinds of prizes, the biggest being a weekend at his beach house. Neighbors would congragate in the courtyard daily in the summer to chat. Not eveyone of course. There were those who kept to themsleves and that was fine.

Last year that all changed. The landlord and his wife moved to a home in Mt Scott. Several neighbors who were the greatest socializers moved away. Those who replaced them pretty much kept to themsleves. The dynamics changed so much so that we became the type of complex where people would say "Hello" but that was about all the socializing they did. Not that anyone is unfriendly or cold, they just go their own way and don't consider their neighbors as friends.

Neighbors don't have to be friends. It all depends upon the circumstances around them. I always found my friends through mutual interests. If those people happen to live next door, fine but I can't expect them to.

[davemess10]

But again, that's an apartment building with lots of turnover. I think it's different for people who own a home, and are going to be around their neighbors for the long haul. And I"m not even talking about being best friends. I"m just talking about at least having met your neighbors and maybe even knowing their name. Stuff that could actually be helpful in an emergency. Just kind of weird to awkwardly avoid people you see almost every day and not even wave and say "hey"

[Minervah]

Originally Posted by davemess10

But again, that's an apartment building with lots of turnover. I think it's different for people who own a home, and are going to be around their neighbors for the long haul. And I"m not even talking about being best friends. I"m just talking about at least having met your neighbors and maybe even knowing their name. Stuff that could actually be helpful in an emergency. Just kind of weird to awkwardly avoid people you see almost every day and not even wave and say "hey"

Actually, my apartment building has very little turnover but the tenants who moved were more or less the catalysts in getting everyone together. In these times, with occupancy of homes changing more often with foreclosures and resales, maybe it's kind of like apartment dwellers who are more likely to
come and go more frequently.

I've always gotten friendly hellos from my neighbors but then I am usually the one to say it first. Beyond that, I have occasionally made friends with them but only those with whom I clicked as I would have had I met them any other place.

In Portland, the new person has to take the initiative most of the time. I have found for the most part whatever level acquaintance they are seeking, they are the ones who have to take the initiative.

[Beenhere4ever]

Funny to me that people can go to bars and cafes and strike up conversation with strangers, but not do the same with their neighbors. I took a long train trip, and I experienced "social dining" where the fill tables one at a time, with the result that most people end up eating with strangers. I'm not a very social person, but I warmed up to these strangers with amazing speed.

[Minervah]

Originally Posted by Beenhere4ever

Funny to me that people can go to bars and cafes and strike up conversation with strangers, but not do the same with their neighbors. I took a long train trip, and I experienced "social dining" where the fill tables one at a time, with the result that most people end up eating with strangers. I'm not a very social person, but I warmed up to these strangers with amazing speed.

Not so strange. I always had the theory that people were more relaxed and therefore likely to talk to a stranger when they made the choice to speak. It's the distance. The idea of living so near to our neighbors as we do in the city. We feel we want to guard our privacy more closely because we are practically living with them.

In a situation where we meet strangers; a bus, a train a restaurant, we know we will probably never see them again. So we can say just about anything. But we have to face our neighbors day after day. It's being closer than what we may be comfortable with.

[EnricoV]

Originally Posted by Beenhere4ever

Funny to me that people can go to bars and cafes and strike up conversation with strangers, but not do the same with their neighbors. I took a long train trip, and I experienced "social dining" where the fill tables one at a time, with the result that most people end up eating with strangers. I'm not a very social person, but I warmed up to these strangers with amazing speed.

Did you invite them out to dinner when you reached your destination? Do you still keep in contact with them?

I'm sure most people have the same experience with their neighbors. When the situation occurs, they act sociably. But that doesn't mean they seek them out to create social occasions.

I know who most of my neighbors are, and I'm friendly to them on the rare occasions I see them. But I'm not friends with them. Our lives just don't intersect.

The last time I remember really becoming friendly with a neighbor was decades ago, during my apartment days. And I became the patsy who was forever asked to babysit their kids. I was happy to move ... I wasn't aggressive enough to say no, when I had no good reason not to, other than I just didn't want to.

[turquoise1]

That sucks - you should never have to be taken advantage of as a free babysitter, EnricoV!

Not to contradict what is being said here, but I don't find strangers to be chattier than neighbors. People look at me like I'm from another planet when I say something to them. I don't think small talk is part of the culture here, for the most part. A lot of people seem rather dour and very, very serious.

Again, this is just the opinion of an outsider.

[Minervah]

Originally Posted by turquoise1

That sucks - you should never have to be taken advantage of as a free babysitter, EnricoV!

Not to contradict what is being said here, but I don't find strangers to be chattier than neighbors. People look at me like I'm from another planet when I say something to them. I don't think small talk is part of the culture here, for the most part. A lot of people seem rather dour and very, very serious.

Again, this is just the opinion of an outsider.

Hey, turquoise1, you should try taking the Belmont bus. Lots of people will talk to you. If they're not talking to themselves that is. Or their imaginary friends.

[turquoise1]

That is the one exception, Minervah! Lots of deranged people are delighted to talk to me. I find myself even talking back and having a rare conversation.

On a more serious note, I wonder if a sense of social isolation and insularity contributes to people's mental issues.