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Old 06-23-2010, 03:29 PM
 
Location: Dallas, TX
75 posts, read 249,865 times
Reputation: 120

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Hello everybody!
I found out recently that I'm pregnant. It was a surprise, a good surprise, but not exactly planned. Now my boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years, we're both 28, we both have jobs and a nice apartment and we are really looking forward to our baby (due date is in December), both of us have always wanted children. My problem is, that as much as I'm looking forward to being a mother I'm also scared as hell.

I can't stop thinking about if I will do everything right, and there seem so many things you can do wrong. Also, don't get this wrong, but I like my life the way it is now, a lot, and I'm afraid that it will change too much. Of course it will change, and it is supposed to change, but I just don't see myself as your typical soccer mom, making packed lunch for the kids in the morning, then vacuuming and gardening all day.

We also aren't wealthy, my boyfriend works in retail, I'm an interpreter and we'd need to move to a bigger apartment, or a house and I'm afraid that we won't provide the lifestyle we want to for our child. Of course everybody says money doesn't count and it's all about love, but tell that a kid who can't have the action-figure everyone else has in class, the teenager who can't afford camping trips with friends or the young person who has to hope for a scholarship to go to college. I just don't want my child to be in that position.

The main thing is that nobody around me seems to understand my worries (which seem perfectly understandable and reasonable to me ) and thinks I don't really want the baby, or I'm not ready yet, when I bring up the topic. My boyfriend always tells me I shouldn't worry, everything will arrange itself, but I'm more the worrying and planning type .

I'd like to know of you fathers and especially mothers out there, did you feel the same way? How did things turn out later? Is parenting really a "natural thing" like an instinct?
Thanks for "listening"
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Old 06-23-2010, 03:51 PM
 
3,842 posts, read 9,433,591 times
Reputation: 3189
You have a long time about worrying about your child wanting the lastest action figure and even more time before he/she is a teenager.

Right now, first & foremost, get prenatal care & cost in order. Figure out what your OB is going to charge for appts/delivery & what your insurance covers for maternity care. Get a budget going so in 9 months when you get a $4,000 bill (just estimating/guessing; all insurances are different), you won't be surprised.

Cut out regular caffeine & moderate your sugar and salt intake. Start taking basic prenatals. THESE are the things to be thinking about; not what you can or cannot buy the child.

In a few months, start hitting up resale shops and clearance sections of stores. NO need to pay more than $7-$10 for a baby OUTFIT. Onsies you can get as cheap as $.50 & no one will know & your child will look cute. Keep an eye out for PTA resale sales where parents sell off newborn clothes, toys and accessories for dirt cheap & many times still have the tags on the clothes.

And no, it's not "natural" all the time. There will be good days, bad days & in between throughout your pregnancy & there on out. DO NOT get caught up in pregnancy websites and books. One or two to give you "an idea" is fine, but after awhile, all the internet sites & books are just mindless chatter & many times, not even correct.

I'm preggers w/ #3 & about 2 weeks out. He is in the 65% percentile for weight. Had this been #1, I'd be on the internet seeing how awful this was & probably going to have an obese child with diabetes & be miserable for the next 2 weeks. In reality, I know at this time, it is a little above average, but not in a dangerous zone & does not mean my child will have weight difficulties his entire life. Point being...DO NOT GET CAUGHT up in what "should be".

Again, sounds like you are early on in your pregnancy. Focus on your health, prenatal care & immediate costs (insurance,car seat, crib, diapers). If you are planning on bottle-feeding, start saving $25/wk NOW.

If there are immediate cost concerns...it is going to be how you will afford to deliver the child, diaper & feed.

The toys & such will come much further down the road & you will have a much better understanding of how that all works.

Good luck.

ps...consider the birth certificate thing & if your b/fs name is going to be on it. It is not easy to get his name on or off after the birth. This has to be a very serious convo you guys have prior to baby.
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Old 06-23-2010, 04:04 PM
 
Location: In a house
13,258 posts, read 36,453,706 times
Reputation: 20198
1. Accept that you will not do everything right.
2. Accept that you will do some things wrong.
3. Accept that some things, you will do perfectly, but someone will tell you it's wrong.
4. Accept that some things, you will screw up on big-time, but someone will tell you it was perfectly correct.
5. Accept help from people you trust.
6. You will never be able to afford everything your child wants in life. Accept that your child will learn that he can't always get what he wants. If you teach it lovingly,this willl be one of the most important life lessons he will ever learn.
7. Don't worry about college yet; he won't be applying for at least another 16 years However if you can, start looking into savings on his behalf - especially Uniform Gift to Minors Act trusts, which allows you to save tax-free on your child's behalf, and use the funds for education, OR for his own use once he turns 25.
8. If someone who loves you wants to hold a baby shower on your behalf and asks what kinds of things you want, suggest disposable diapers and gift cards to the Supermarket or whichever place is closest that has the most affordable quality formula. Even if you breast-feed, you'll still need more disposables. You'll never have enough. And you'll never have enough room to put all the ones you need. Many people I know have gone the "real cloth diaper" route. Every single one of them switched to disposables within the first 6 months of their newborn's life.
9. Stay in shape during your first 2 semesters, or you'll be in no condition to get in shape during your 3rd. The single most important thing you can do for your unborn child, is to take stellar care of his mom.

Congratulations!
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Old 06-23-2010, 04:05 PM
 
4,267 posts, read 5,313,236 times
Reputation: 3579
Quote:
Originally Posted by corcorangirl View Post
Hello everybody!
I found out recently that I'm pregnant. It was a surprise, a good surprise, but not exactly planned. Now my boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years, we're both 28, we both have jobs and a nice apartment and we are really looking forward to our baby (due date is in December), both of us have always wanted children. My problem is, that as much as I'm looking forward to being a mother I'm also scared as hell.
Congrats!

Quote:
I can't stop thinking about if I will do everything right, and there seem so many things you can do wrong. Also, don't get this wrong, but I like my life the way it is now, a lot, and I'm afraid that it will change too much. Of course it will change, and it is supposed to change, but I just don't see myself as your typical soccer mom, making packed lunch for the kids in the morning, then vacuuming and gardening all day.
You won't do everything right and that's OK. Your life will change a lot but you'll adjust and you'll find your way.

Quote:
We also aren't wealthy, my boyfriend works in retail, I'm an interpreter and we'd need to move to a bigger apartment, or a house and I'm afraid that we won't provide the lifestyle we want to for our child. Of course everybody says money doesn't count and it's all about love, but tell that a kid who can't have the action-figure everyone else has in class, the teenager who can't afford camping trips with friends or the young person who has to hope for a scholarship to go to college. I just don't want my child to be in that position.
Focus on the present. You don't need tons of stuff for newborns. You'll probably get a lot of it anyway if you have supportive friends and family. You can buy a lot of things that you'll need used at thrift stores, consignment shops, yard sales and on craigslist, It's recommended to buy a car seat new but other then that you can find most everything used. Plan to breastfeed and you won't have to worry about the cost of formula. Breastfeeding is one of those things that you'll want to educate yourself about prior to the arrival of the baby. If for whatever reason breastfeeding doesn't work out for you, plan the cost of formula into your budget.

Quote:
The main thing is that nobody around me seems to understand my worries (which seem perfectly understandable and reasonable to me ) and thinks I don't really want the baby, or I'm not ready yet, when I bring up the topic. My boyfriend always tells me I shouldn't worry, everything will arrange itself, but I'm more the worrying and planning type .
Listen to your boyfriend.

Quote:
I'd like to know of you fathers and especially mothers out there, did you feel the same way? How did things turn out later? Is parenting really a "natural thing" like an instinct?
Thanks for "listening"
I did feel like parenting was really a natural thing, especially in the beginning. I was surprised at how strong some of my mothering instincts were. Things get more complicated as they get older but you just have to go with the flow and figure it out as they grow. It's good that you're thinking ahead but try not to worry too much. Enjoy your pregnancy.
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Old 06-23-2010, 05:33 PM
 
11,636 posts, read 20,454,851 times
Reputation: 12165
Quote:
Originally Posted by corcorangirl View Post
Hello everybody!
I found out recently that I'm pregnant. It was a surprise, a good surprise, but not exactly planned. Now my boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years, we're both 28, we both have jobs and a nice apartment and we are really looking forward to our baby (due date is in December), both of us have always wanted children. My problem is, that as much as I'm looking forward to being a mother I'm also scared as hell.
Congratulations on your pregnancy. Relax. All of us have been where you are. It is natural to be scared of such a big change.

Quote:
Originally Posted by corcorangirl View Post
I can't stop thinking about if I will do everything right, and there seem so many things you can do wrong. Also, don't get this wrong, but I like my life the way it is now, a lot, and I'm afraid that it will change too much. Of course it will change, and it is supposed to change, but I just don't see myself as your typical soccer mom, making packed lunch for the kids in the morning, then vacuuming and gardening all day.
You will do things wrong. It's ok. Your kids will survive and they will grow up despite your mistakes. I am not the perfect mother but my kids are pretty great!!!

Don't worry so much about the changes. You don't have to make all of your life's decisions right now. Take them as they come.

Quote:
Originally Posted by corcorangirl View Post
We also aren't wealthy, my boyfriend works in retail, I'm an interpreter and we'd need to move to a bigger apartment, or a house and I'm afraid that we won't provide the lifestyle we want to for our child. Of course everybody says money doesn't count and it's all about love, but tell that a kid who can't have the action-figure everyone else has in class, the teenager who can't afford camping trips with friends or the young person who has to hope for a scholarship to go to college. I just don't want my child to be in that position.
Just love your child, be there for him/her and do the best that you can. Money DOES count but it's not the ONLY thing that counts. There are plenty of miserable rich folks and there are some really happy poor ones. My husband and I are something of a rags to riches story, but I can honestly say to you that we have ALWAYS been happy regardless of how much money we have.

As long as you have ENOUGH you will be fine. More is fine, but not necessary. It is understandable to worry about these things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by corcorangirl View Post
The main thing is that nobody around me seems to understand my worries (which seem perfectly understandable and reasonable to me ) and thinks I don't really want the baby, or I'm not ready yet, when I bring up the topic. My boyfriend always tells me I shouldn't worry, everything will arrange itself, but I'm more the worrying and planning type .

I'd like to know of you fathers and especially mothers out there, did you feel the same way? How did things turn out later? Is parenting really a "natural thing" like an instinct?
Thanks for "listening"
I was worried about everything when I was pregnant. I would not say parenting is "natural" but you do learn as you go along. Just make sure that you don't get so stressed out that you forget to enjoy your child.
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Old 06-23-2010, 07:28 PM
 
47,573 posts, read 60,666,358 times
Reputation: 22283
Quote:
Originally Posted by corcorangirl View Post
Hello everybody!
I found out recently that I'm pregnant. It was a surprise, a good surprise, but not exactly planned. Now my boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years, we're both 28, we both have jobs and a nice apartment and we are really looking forward to our baby (due date is in December), both of us have always wanted children. My problem is, that as much as I'm looking forward to being a mother I'm also scared as hell.

I can't stop thinking about if I will do everything right, and there seem so many things you can do wrong. Also, don't get this wrong, but I like my life the way it is now, a lot, and I'm afraid that it will change too much. Of course it will change, and it is supposed to change, but I just don't see myself as your typical soccer mom, making packed lunch for the kids in the morning, then vacuuming and gardening all day.

We also aren't wealthy, my boyfriend works in retail, I'm an interpreter and we'd need to move to a bigger apartment, or a house and I'm afraid that we won't provide the lifestyle we want to for our child. Of course everybody says money doesn't count and it's all about love, but tell that a kid who can't have the action-figure everyone else has in class, the teenager who can't afford camping trips with friends or the young person who has to hope for a scholarship to go to college. I just don't want my child to be in that position.

The main thing is that nobody around me seems to understand my worries (which seem perfectly understandable and reasonable to me ) and thinks I don't really want the baby, or I'm not ready yet, when I bring up the topic. My boyfriend always tells me I shouldn't worry, everything will arrange itself, but I'm more the worrying and planning type .

I'd like to know of you fathers and especially mothers out there, did you feel the same way? How did things turn out later? Is parenting really a "natural thing" like an instinct?
Thanks for "listening"
Well one thing, 28 is a good time to start a family, you can't really wait forever on the age.

Yes it's a big life change - but you don't have to be a soccer mom, kids survive with all kinds of parents - as long as there's love and some kind of consistency in their lives, they'll deal. In fact, kids tend to inherit the same dna as their parents so they often will fit in very well with whatever you are.

It's really better for your kid if you don't have the money to buy him everything he could ever want. And you can teach him a work ethic so he'll pay for things he wants when he's 15 or 16.

Parenting can be mostly natural but it's also natural to be a bit overwhelmed by the new responsibility.
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Old 06-23-2010, 09:15 PM
 
Location: TX
45 posts, read 115,050 times
Reputation: 35
CONGRATULATIONS!!
Before I was pregnant with my 1st, a wise person told me that you will never truly be ready. Even if you think you're ready, you'll find out that you're not. How true. People will talk about and prepare you for pregnancy and childbirth, but they don't talk much about what happens afterwards. It's a steep learning curve and it's different for everyone and for each baby. I always wanted to be a mom and I thought I would take to it like fish to water. I was so disappointed with myself that I had such a difficult time adjusting. But that was just me. Friends of mine who became parents were just fine.

As for money, save and look for deals. You don't have to get the best, the newest, or the greatest. Start buying some diapers or formula each month, or set money aside for a breast pump or whatever. Educate yourself on cloth diapers. I did sposies on DS1 and cd's on DS2.

As for time, things really do have a way of working itself out. Before becoming a mom, I thought I was so busy. I realized that I wasn't - just selfish. Now that I have 2, well, I'm really busy. LOL! But if I had another one, somehow, there will be time for LO as well.

Take care of yourself and enjoy your pregnancy!
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Old 06-24-2010, 09:03 AM
 
Location: Dallas, Texas
164 posts, read 417,189 times
Reputation: 98
Are you married? It is in the best interest of the kid since raising the kid alone will be very hard. Seems like you guys love each other and this should be the next step especially since you have had a kid together. Unwed pregnancies are more burdensome on the rest of us taxpayers in general.
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Old 06-24-2010, 09:27 AM
 
4,267 posts, read 5,313,236 times
Reputation: 3579
Quote:
Originally Posted by northlakemetro View Post
Are you married? It is in the best interest of the kid since raising the kid alone will be very hard. Seems like you guys love each other and this should be the next step especially since you have had a kid together. Unwed pregnancies are more burdensome on the rest of us taxpayers in general.
Nothing in the OP's post indicates that she will be raising the child alone. It sounds like both she and her boyfriend are very excited and will be raising the child together, married or not. Just because someone has a bay prior to marriage (or without ever getting married) does not automatically mean that they are going to rely on public assistance.
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Old 06-24-2010, 10:50 AM
 
Location: Summerville, SC
1,149 posts, read 3,811,004 times
Reputation: 1119
Quote:
Originally Posted by northlakemetro View Post
Are you married? It is in the best interest of the kid since raising the kid alone will be very hard. Seems like you guys love each other and this should be the next step especially since you have had a kid together. Unwed pregnancies are more burdensome on the rest of us taxpayers in general.
Are you the OP's mother? If so I'd say to mind your own business - as it is, who are you to say how the OP handles her relationships? There are plenty of other, more deserving targets to complain about re: your last comment rather than the marital status of an expecting mother.

To the OP: I can understand your situation - our son was planned, but you have money worries no matter what age/financial situation you are in. I fell asleep last night trying to make heads or tails of whether to start his college fund with a 529 or just play the market, lol.

In my experience, life changed completely for the first two months. Babies eat so frequently, and I chose to breastfeed, so wherever I went, my son went with me. He was a fairly good sleeper though (only woke 1-2 times a night), so I wasn't out of my mind - NONE of those horrible, "You just wait and see!" remarks came true (yet). Believe it or not, I am more rested now, much calmer, and definitely happier.

I chose to work, since I want to be responsible and pay off our student loans quickly (actually, the marriage penalty sucks when it comes to these loans, better off single!), so our son is in daycare. It kills me, even though I know he is having a perfectly fine time. I didn't expect to feel that way. It's AMAZING how instinct/hormones affect you. However, if I work, he will want for pretty much nothing, my career will continue to grow rather than stagnate, our retirements will be more than secure... it's always a trade-off. HOWEVER - once I started working again, my life went back to almost normal. I see my husband every day except Fridays for lunch (I go out with girls once a week), and after our son goes to sleep at 8pmish, we also have time to ourselves. It's really great

I would also recommend joining a local meetup group for mothers. I'm trying this out myself - once a week people meet up to do something - a wine tasting at a vineyard, game night, cheese making class, mani-pedis, etc - plus its a great way to meet other parents that have children the same age as your child.
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