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Just saying this in general about older parents: another uncomfortable topic is your own longevity. Of course death can occur at any time for any reason but no matter who you are you get more health problems in old age. Your kids might miss you being around for milestones like graduation, marriage, having their own kids, etc. My husband just lost his father who was 54 when he was born; sure my husband isn't a little kid but I think he is too young to be losing his father. My own father is not even 54 yet! My mother-in-law was 43 when she had my husband, and he lucked out not having any disabilities with two older parents.
You can do the research online on disabilities that might be more likely to occur after age 40. Ask yourself if you can accept a child with those disabilities and if not, I would leave well enough alone. You would be looking at a big investment of time and money, more so than with a "normal" child. We have a son who is 28 years old and has DS and know that such children, even as adults, require a lifelong commitment.
Good luck though if you decide to go forward with this.
Yes - I want to be clear that I didn't mean to discount this in my post at all; it's not that no challenges exist, it's just that the challenge also has amazing rewards.
The thing is, all kids are a lifelong commitment, and there's no way of knowing which ones will need you in which ways. My parents had us young and we grew up perfectly healthy - but one sibling was diagnosed as bipolar at age 32, and suddenly we realized why they had needed so much extra help all along, and still need help every day. An old friend of mine is now a heroin addict, and simply wouldn't have survived if his parents hadn't taken him back in at age 34. So I did not mean to discount the particular challenges of kids with autism and DS, not at all - I just meant to say that kids are who they are, and the challenges of parenting are unpredictable, but at the end of the day parents still love their kids, and all kids are lovable in the end.
Yes - I want to be clear that I didn't mean to discount this in my post at all; it's not that no challenges exist, it's just that the challenge also has amazing rewards.
The thing is, all kids are a lifelong commitment, and there's no way of knowing which ones will need you in which ways. My parents had us young and we grew up perfectly healthy - but one sibling was diagnosed as bipolar at age 32, and suddenly we realized why they had needed so much help all along. An old friend of mine is now a heroin addict, and simply wouldn't have survived if his parents hadn't taken him back in at age 34. So I did not mean to discount the particular challenges of kids with autism and DS, not at all - I just meant to say that kids are who they are, and the challenges of parenting are unpredictable, but at the end of the day parents still love their kids, and all kids are lovable in the end.
Well said
I would just add though that exactly because "at the end of the day parents still love their kids, and all kids are lovable in the end" people thinking of becoming parents into their mid 40's and above need to really consider how they will feel having to take care of a child like the ones you described above when they are 60, 65, 70.
The reality is, even when you take great care of your own health, aging cannot be stopped.
You lose a lot of stamina for emotional and physical tasks after a certain point.
I know people who hit that point at 50 and I know some who didn't hit that point until 64, but we all get there eventually.
How awful it is when the parent has arrived at that point just as their 20 or 30-something year old child has a major crisis they need complete care for.
The only study which concluded this was done in 2012 in Iceland, and only took
78 all Icelandic families as the sample. Even so, the risk of an older father to cause
autism was only 1.4%, on par with accelerated birth techniques and vaccination.
I have a family member "in the trenches" of this kind of research. She assures me more data is coming and it will be eye opening. Men simply should not risk having kids over a certain age. Delayed fatherhood is indeed contributing to our high rates of autism now.
It is already an established fact that 1 in 42 boys born today in America will be autistic.
1 in 42!!
Those odds are bad enough, I just wouldn't personally sign up for the added risk over age 40.
After I had my youngest, my midwife had a picnic at her house and invited everyone who had delivered that summer. I was introduced to a 47-year-old woman who had been told over 20 yrs ago by a doc that she was never going to be able to have children. And there she was with her perfect little boy - she thought for sure she had cancer and then was completely flabbergasted by a positive pregnancy test! I cannot wrap my head around that scenario and having your first/only child at 47, but it was an amazing story.
I'm sharing that with you because I feel that babies are always a blessing and I don't know of one person who sits around saying they regretted having their last child. I know a handful of couples who are now in their fifties and up who regret not trying just one more time though. My kids were born when I was 22, 30, and almost 35. You know what - my third pregnancy was my absolute best because I took the best care of myself and was fitter and healthier than I had been with the previous two. You sound like you fully understand the risks involved and I think it would be an absolute shame not to even try if you feel you want to!
I'm almost 43 now and, if my personal circumstances were different, I'd have no problem with having another at this age. I'm still in great shape physically and mentally and have some career flexibility at this point too. Two of my children have high-functioning autism and I'm getting ready to do the teen thing yet again, but they are such blessings Lots of luck!
My husband's dad was 54 when he was born, and there is question on whether or not my husband has some sort of autism. He certainly has some traits for it, and his parents have both accepted that he is autistic. As it is, he is 25 years old, with a bachelors and masters in physics and is 2 years away from completing his PhD in physics. He has been living on his own since he was 18, is frugal with money, and an all around good person. Autism is not a death sentence for the children or for the parents. I am currently pregnant with our first child. If the baby turns out anything like my husband it would be a blessing.
Thanks again for all of the feedback. You have all provided exactly the kind of facts and anecdotes I was looking for.
My wife is a stay at home mom, so being able to work is not an issue. However, I do worry about the physical toll of being pregnant and delivering a baby. It seemed like it was tougher on a 40/41 year old than it would have been for someone younger. I imagine a few more years will only make that worse.
Most people that meet the two of us think that I am older than her. My wife is youthful and has good genetics for longevity. Of course all of that doesn't change the facts. She would be 60 years old while helping a teenager get dressed for prom.
I still don't know what to do about this one. I'm pretty sure she is thinking about this because we just moved to a community where there seems to be a lot of large families. I posted a thread about that in the local forum to see if we were crazy or if the average family around here really does have four kids. I think this has her thinking that our daughter will miss out by not having a sibling, especially if many of her peers have several of them.
Perhaps the best solution is to move out of suburbia and back to the city where there are more likely to be more older parents of only children.
I was almost 42 when I had my third and last child, an "oops" baby. No problems whatsoever. Easiest pregnancy & delivery of all my kids. Only child who ever slept at night, too, as a baby. Bit of a hellion as a toddler, but luckily he's cute.
The increased risk of Down Syndrome did concern me. I'm not sure I if I would attempt a pregnancy at age 43 for that reason alone.
I'm having my first at 41 and hoping to have another soon after. There are risks even in your 20's.
It's funny how in America the age (to get preggo) thing is that big a deal. Take a look at other countries, like all of Europe basically. Age is not even mentioned by OB GYNs.
Go with your heart, let the GYN figure out the rest. That's my advice.
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