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I know it takes two to tango, and I cant make decisions for the both of us. We have 2 wonderful babies, both are boys. They have a 20 month age gap and the oldest will be 3 in 2 months. Husband definitely wants another kid, hopefully a girl (I want another boy though, since I am used to raising boys and think they are cool).
Maybe it all comes down to me being a woman, but after my youngest turned one, I started getting baby fever because last time I conceived around oldest's 1st birthday. However, we both came to agreed that we wont be trying again until at least April of next year since we have plans.
I love a small age gap. Its tough but its also fun since they pretty much do the same things by now and can keep each other company. However, I sense that my husband is not really fond about having another kid, although he says he wants that third child....sometime down the road. We did negotiate that we would have another next year, but there have been several occasions where he had said that he'd be totally happy to wait until he's 40. Or that one time my hands were full with both kids and I was ready to pull my hair out and said "I dont think I am capable of having anymore, especially with no help." His response was "fine, we wont be having another. It was you all along who wanted another kid, not me". I dont know if he said that because we had 2 kids crying at the same time, and were both upset, or if thats really how he feels. If thats really how he feels about another kid, I will not have another if its not something that he looks forward to.
I have been staying home for almost 3 years to take care of my kids. They've never been to a babysitters or daycare, and I am proud to be there for my kids. I want a close age gap because I want them to grow up at the same time, go to school at the same time so I can go back into society and establish a career.
I DONT want to stop at 2 kids, wait another 10 years to have a third, and take another hiatus. I told my husband, for me its either now or never. While I am still staying at home, I'd rather finish making babies before I go out to into the world again. I am also in my twenties, and want to be a young parent vs having kids in my thirties. Thats why we came to the agreement.
He doesnt seem excited about it though. If it were entirely up to him, like I said, he'd be happy to wait until he's past 40.
Basically my viewpoints are
- I want to be done making babies before I turn 30
- want a close age gap
- want to stay home and nurture my kids all at once vs. establishing a career only to get pregnant again and taking another few years off.
My husband's viewpoint
-whatever
Since I know that he does want a third, should I just leave it up to him? The last two was my initiation, (well, he was completely on board with the first, he actually was involved with the entire trying to get pregnant thing). If I leave it up to him though, what if he doesnt get "baby fever" until he really is past 40 and I am in my late thirties? I dont think I would be in the mood to have another by then, if I go by his terms. I just feel so inferior. I am the one who will be pregnant, deliver the baby, and yet I have to persuade/beg him into making a baby.
Why cant he be the one to come up to me and be like "hey wife, I really want a baby. Can we have another one?" Will that ever happen, if I just wait it out?
Thanks for all the feedback, there's just so many factors as to why I dont want to wait too long to have another kid.
Well, I just typed up an incredibly long message just to have it all get deleted by accident, so here goes again.
One of my best friends (age 35) has three girls (2,7,9) and the last one was her husband's request for a third try to have a son. She agreed, of course, so it's not his "fault" that they have a third. She is a SAHM who does all the cooking, cleaning, transporting, entertaining and so on while the hubby is the financial provider with a demanding job. He loves the girls but is not as involved in their lives as he could be. The first two girls are close in age and she was looking forward to going back to a career when they were done with school but now that has to be prolonged another 5 years and she will be older, which will make it harder to get a job, seeing as she got married and pregnant right after college. She has no family nearby to help with childcare and her girls have never been in daycare so she does not really get a break. When the older two are in school, she's at home with an active two year old.
Is your husband home in the evenings and weekends? Is he very involved with your current boys, bathing them, getting them ready for bed so that you can get a break? Do you have the money for the third child and will you be able to shuttle them all to after-school activities when you have the third? Do you have a good support system and/or extended family to help you when you feel overwhelmed and want to pull your hair out? Do you and your husband have enough adult time for each other so that you feel like a valued person on your own as opposed to just being a "mommy?" (Please understand I don't mean offense by that, as when your children are out of the home, you and dh will need to connect outside of being parents). If your third child requires special needs, will you be able to handle that while managing two other children?
As someone who is two weeks away from the due date of her first child, being pregnant isn't easy and I will only have the one, as I am also 35 and my husband has a chronic medical condition that will likely become debilitating eventually. If you are unsure if your husband really wants another child then you need to have a frank discussion with him about all of your expectations. If you're putting in all the energy and time for this, it doesn't seem like the best idea.
Last edited by redandorangeskittles; 09-02-2015 at 03:23 PM..
Reason: .
Thanks for your reply. At the moment, I am the primary care taker of the kids. I do work, although only about 16 hours a week, just enough to bring in a little bit of income. When I am working, my husband takes care of the kids. He works about 10 hours a day, from tuesday - thursday, he gets a 1.5 hour break (sometimes 2, because it is a family owned business). He also works the whole day on friday and saturday but gets half the day off on sunday and a full day off on monday. So physically, he is only working about 8.5 hours, which I think is a typical job. I work in the early morning, and get home in time for us to switch.
We are able to afford our 2 kids right now, and have already considered the financial aspect of having our third, and its doable. I want to be home with my kids while they are still young, therefore I am not fully working yet. We would definitely have more income if my kids grew up, all went to school and mommy went back to work full time. I love my job, and it pays very well, and I am also allowed to set my own schedule.
I am a very independent person, and although I have been offered help in the past from family members, I have refused because I feel like it is my responsibility to take care of the kids myself, and not hand them off to someone else. If there comes a moment where I am about to get a meltdown, I am pretty sure I can easily find help from my mom or siblings. Whenever I go to my mom's house to visit, she makes sure that I dont lay a finger on anything. She usually enjoys playing with the kids and I just lounge on the couch.
If we ended up with a special needs child, I'll do whatever it takes to keep things together.
I just cant think of any "hardships" that we would face if we added a third. When we got pregnant with our second, a lot of people said having 2 kids is much harder than one, and the same type of questions that you mentioned came up. He's 14 months now, and I was totally anticipating a significant change to our family dynamics once he's been born, but he fit right in. Aside from having 2 screaming toddlers now, I dont see anything significant thats changed.
Once they go to school, we will work around our schedules to be able to drop them off, and pick them up. I at least have a flexible job, so I can do the after school activities.
The problem with my husband is that he knows he wants another kid, but he rarely mentions about it, while I am going all crazy and even created a count down ticker. It makes me think he's not totally on board with having another. Its kinda like a grey area. We both knows that he wants one, but he just doesnt talk about it although he agreed on a date of next april. When april rolls around, do I bring it up with him, or wait for him to initiate for a change to make sure he is fully on board?
For our first kid, we both wanted it and he was excited. He made sure I took my prenatals, made sure we dtd during the "right time". It was just so cute seeing him so anxious and involved. With our second, it simmered down by half (although he totally adores our second despite lack of effort), and now with the idea of the third, I see zero excitement coming from him.
Why cant he be the one to come up to me and be like "hey wife, I really want a baby. Can we have another one?" Will that ever happen, if I just wait it out?
Dude... what?
As a man, I can tell you that you are not going to subliminally get your husband excited about baby 3 if he's not excited about it. We men don't pick up on that stuff. If we're super-sensitive, we might notice that you are pissed off about something, but have no idea what. That is about as far as a man's "sixth sense" goes. You can give him direct instructions "Husband, it will make me happy if you act excited about having a 3rd baby." Then he will probably do so, but I doubt that will get you what you want.
If you are "let's have another baby" and he is "sure, whatever" then just go for it. If he doesn't want another kid for some reason, he'll tell you. If he didn't really want one, his response would be more like: "You've got to be f--ing kidding! Did you forget what those first little freaks were like?!"
Do be aware that he will probably continue to act as he is acting now even when you get pregnant. Again; direct instructions. Tell him if you want him to be more involved/supportive. Yeah, it's a burden, but we are [usually] happy to take on burdens for our wives/family. That's our job. You just have to TELL us what you want.
So... yeah, bring it up in April. "Husband, I am going off birth control now so we can have another kid, as agreed upon last year."
As a man, I can tell you that you are not going to subliminally get your husband excited about baby 3 if he's not excited about it. We men don't pick up on that stuff. If we're super-sensitive, we might notice that you are pissed off about something, but have no idea what. That is about as far as a man's "sixth sense" goes. You can give him direct instructions "Husband, it will make me happy if you act excited about having a 3rd baby." Then he will probably do so, but I doubt that will get you what you want.
If you are "let's have another baby" and he is "sure, whatever" then just go for it. If he doesn't want another kid for some reason, he'll tell you. If he didn't really want one, his response would be more like: "You've got to be f--ing kidding! Did you forget what those first little freaks were like?!"
Do be aware that he will probably continue to act as he is acting now even when you get pregnant. Again; direct instructions. Tell him if you want him to be more involved/supportive. Yeah, it's a burden, but we are [usually] happy to take on burdens for our wives/family. That's our job. You just have to TELL us what you want.
So... yeah, bring it up in April. "Husband, I am going off birth control now so we can have another kid, as agreed upon last year."
My 2c.
haha thanks. Sometimes, I forget men are wired totally differently than women, well duh, we're different genders. Sometimes, his actions makes me feel like if he even cares...
Like instead of bonding with his kids (doesnt mean he totally neglects them though), he could spend 5 hours straight playing his soccer game on xbox. Like seriously? I could NEVER go that long without kissing or corresponding with my kids in some way. I was playing a game on my phone while both of my kids napped, adn as soon as one of them got up, I had no other choice but to put the phone down.
if it were my husband, his eyes would stay glued to the tv while saying "oh hi, your up. Wanna watch me play?"
I have known a number of women who had "baby fever" very strong and hard when their newest baby became a toddler. However, they wanted another baby not necessarily another child.
Several of these woman did not, for various reasons, have another child and guess what? Every single one of those women "got over" the intense baby fever (often within a few months)and were very glad later on that they did not have another child so quickly
Whether or not this will happen to you I can't say, but since your husband does NOT have baby fever (otherwise he would be constantly talking about having another child) perhaps you should consider waiting another six months or a year or two years or more before you start trying to have another child (that you will raise from babyhood to adult hood).
Last edited by germaine2626; 09-02-2015 at 08:34 PM..
I have known a number of women who had "baby fever" very strong and hard when their newest baby became a toddler. However, they wanted another baby not necessarily another child.
Several of these woman did not, for various reasons, have another child and guess what? Every single one of those women "got over" the intense baby fever (often within a few months)and were very glad later on that they did not have another child so quickly
Whether or not this will happen to you I can't say, but since your husband does NOT have baby fever (otherwise he would be constantly talking about having another child) perhaps you should consider waiting another six months or a year or two years or more before you start trying to have another child (that you will raise from babyhood to adult hood).
I am certaintly sure that this is not simply "baby fever" or one of those spur of the moments thing. Even way before I met my husband, I wanted a large family. I wanted 4 kids and still do. I sometimes envision my future with 4 GROWN kids (hs age) and like what I see. My mom has 6 kids and 5 still live with her. When I come visit, its like a crazy house but so much fun at the same time. Always bustling with excitement. Yea, they will all go through puberty, I will go crazy trying to discipline teenagers, but all parents go through the same ordeal anyways. Even before I met my husband, I couldnt imagine having any less than 4 (but 4 is my max though). My husband wants 3, and I might be able to come to terms with that.
Anyways, I was quite upset about some of the things he said and was really wondering if he meant any of it (having another kid when he's past 40, saying he doesnt want anymore I'm the only one who insists on it), because I WILL not bring another child into this world if he is obliging just to please me and keep peace with our marriage. My gyn check up is coming up, since its been around a year since I had my youngest. If thats really how he's feeling (not wanting a kid, only agreeing to please me), I'm considering getting my tubes tied...something thats permanent and I wont have to deal with wanting another.
I asked him if he really plans on another or not, if its the latter, I'm gonna get my tubes tied. I am not staging this to spite him, but I just want to be sure that we will be on the same boat once I do get pregnant, and if he doesnt want one, at least it will take the pressure off him.
He freaked out and said "No, I wont let you do that of course I want another baby. You know how much I love kids. I was just upset because you were pissed off at me and on top of that the kids were being loud"
As a man, I can tell you that you are not going to subliminally get your husband excited about baby 3 if he's not excited about it. We men don't pick up on that stuff. If we're super-sensitive, we might notice that you are pissed off about something, but have no idea what. That is about as far as a man's "sixth sense" goes. You can give him direct instructions "Husband, it will make me happy if you act excited about having a 3rd baby." Then he will probably do so, but I doubt that will get you what you want.
If you are "let's have another baby" and he is "sure, whatever" then just go for it. If he doesn't want another kid for some reason, he'll tell you. If he didn't really want one, his response would be more like: "You've got to be f--ing kidding! Did you forget what those first little freaks were like?!"
Do be aware that he will probably continue to act as he is acting now even when you get pregnant. Again; direct instructions. Tell him if you want him to be more involved/supportive. Yeah, it's a burden, but we are [usually] happy to take on burdens for our wives/family. That's our job. You just have to TELL us what you want.
So... yeah, bring it up in April. "Husband, I am going off birth control now so we can have another kid, as agreed upon last year."
My 2c.
I found that line in the OP's post amusing too (I'm a woman).
OP, it sounds like you got things figured out. Just keep in mind that men are just not the same as women. I'm currently pregnant and due in 29 days. Yes, I have several count downs (though, if I'm being honest I despise being pregnant). My husband just thinks I am crazy. I know he wants this baby, probably more than I do even, but he just doesn't show a ton of emotion about it. He definitely isn't into my count downs and other charts. That's just not his personality.
I would advise you have the third sooner rather than later. You are the one that stays home with them, sacrificing your career all the while, so I think these things should be more considerate of the caretaker. Of course both partners should agree, but I think your opinion has more weight.
I have three kids ages 5, 3 and 16 months. It's what I wanted. My husband was wanting more time in between, but I wanted them as close as possible (two years was as close as my body would allow). We discussed and he agreed with my viewpoints. By the time my youngest starts kindergarten I will have been a SAHM for 10 years . The more time you put in between kids, the longer your stint as a SAHP is. I so enjoy being with them even when they drive me crazy , but I do look forward to going back to work to increase our income. And I will say that, for me at least, going from 2 to 3 kids is MUCH easier than going from 1 to 2.
I think you should chill out until about March, then discuss trying again, since he previously agreed on trying in April.
It is just my preference, but I'd rather have them close together. Just remember, things don't always go as planned. Mine are 2 years apart, both boys, and have little in common. They do play together, but they also get on each other's nerves and bicker.
Also, just my preference, we stopped at 2 and I'm glad. They each do one activity at a time, and it is no small job to get them to all of their practices and games while both working.
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. The more time you put in between kids, the longer your stint as a SAHP is. I so enjoy being with them even when they drive me crazy 
, but I do look forward to going back to work to increase our income. And I will say that, for me at least, going from 2 to 3 kids is MUCH easier than going from 1 to 2.
