U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting > Pregnancy
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 09-06-2017, 09:20 AM
 
229 posts, read 325,002 times
Reputation: 248

Advertisements

Hi all! My life just took an unexpected turn recently and I am having a very hard time making a decision. I am a 32 y.o. nurse, immigrant (all my family is in Europe). Two months ago I moved to another state to be a travel nurse. I started dating someone, not exactly seriously, and our first time of being intimate the condom came off and we didn't notice. The very next day I took Plan B and started birth control and since then we kept having unprotected sex. A month later I kept feeling cramping and sore breasts and took a pregnancy test, and it was positive, confirmed by two more tests. I am now about 6 weeks.

I don't know which way to go. The guy is freaking out and for him an abortion would be the most comfortable solution, as he is saying he is not financially prepared for this.

Here are my pros for having a baby now: it's the right age & I am healthy; I already am pregnant & feel connected to the baby; I am somewhat smart and responsible (except this event, but it can happen to you, too, trust me); I don't know if I will ever feel 100% ready (I'm a perfectionist and always think everything can be better); I am worried an abortion would make me very regretful.

Cons to having a baby: financial stress (Not sure I can make it on my own); I have close to zero support, but I am trying to make friends now; relationship with father is questionable (I kind of lost respect for him not raising up to the challenge).

Pros of an abortion: I can get back my freedom of travel and exploring; financial security; I can break up easily with the BF and maybe find someone better and more prepared (but who knows?, I'm super picky when I make conscientious decisions).

Cons: terrified of the emotional consequences; I expect feelings of loss, loneliness, emptiness and loss of self respect for being a coward; worried it may impair my fertility later; unsure that down the road I will be in a situation and with someone with whom I would feel 100% ready; terrified of potential pregnancy complications at an older age; worried when I'm older I won't be as energetic; my financial status won't be significantly better in a few years, unless I get married to someone wealthy.

I am a nurse, making about 50000/year in Virginia. Here are my monthly expenses: Rent would cost me $700+utilities. Car insurance $135. Phone $45. Food $250. Gas $20 (I walk to work). I have about $12K in savings.

Do you think it is idealistic/romantic & irresponsible of me to have this baby as a single mom?
If I have an abortion, what is the likelihood that several years later I will be completely over it and in a better situation to be a mom?

Any stories and thoughts help. Thank you!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 09-06-2017, 09:23 AM
 
Location: NE Mississippi
11,346 posts, read 7,399,724 times
Reputation: 16951
Any chance of returning to where your family is?

Raising a child takes more than one person. I don't really feel it takes a marriage anymore, but I do feel it takes a family.

Consider releasing the baby for adoption. Actress Kate Mulgrew is one of many successful women who chose that option in the past. She is very open about it.

BOL!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-06-2017, 09:41 AM
 
229 posts, read 325,002 times
Reputation: 248
I could not bring a baby to term and give it up. If I had it, I would wash windows and clean houses if I had to, to make it work. Adoption is not an option for me.

My parents are poor and my mom is mentally and emotionally unstable. They barely get along on my dad's pension because my mom doesn't really have one. I cannot rely on them. I left home early because I was being exposed to emotional abuse and witnessing physical abuse. That's the worst environment to have an infant it. So now, going back to Europe is not an option either.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-06-2017, 09:48 AM
 
Location: NE Mississippi
11,346 posts, read 7,399,724 times
Reputation: 16951
Quote:
Originally Posted by marketa View Post
I could not bring a baby to term and give it up. If I had it, I would wash windows and clean houses if I had to, to make it work. Adoption is not an option for me.

My parents are poor and my mom is mentally and emotionally unstable. They barely get along on my dad's pension because my mom doesn't really have one. I cannot rely on them. I left home early because I was being exposed to emotional abuse and witnessing physical abuse. That's the worst environment to have an infant it. So now, going back to Europe is not an option either.
OK. So far, so good. You have made up your mind about a few things, and making up your mind is the most important thing!

Go for it. Get yourself situated and employed and prepared for the long haul. Maybe you can find other women who have done what you are going to do, and maybe you can find some support in that way.

It can be done. Find a way!

OH..... And NEVER, EVER date another man who would not be able or willing to provide support! I know it's fun sometimes, but those day are over. Life has become serious now.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-06-2017, 09:52 AM
 
229 posts, read 325,002 times
Reputation: 248
Quote:
Originally Posted by Listener2307 View Post
And NEVER, EVER date another man who would not be able or willing to provide support! I know it's fun sometimes, but those day are over. Life has become serious now.
You are right. And you are right. In fact my interest in guys is close to zero because my love is directed somewhere else entirely right now.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-06-2017, 01:25 PM
 
1,437 posts, read 507,890 times
Reputation: 4747
It's very difficult to be a single mother. It's even harder to be a single mother when there is no family around to provide emotional and/or logistical support.

Who will provide childcare and how much will that cost? It's expensive. What will you do if the childminder gets ill or quits at the last minute or, if it is a daycare center, it is not open during the hours you need depending on your schedule? Then there are diapers and formula. IMHO, trying to breastfeed/pump as a single mom while working a fulltime job would be exhausting.

The sleep deprivation especially when the child is newborn and very young can be severe.

I can't advocate for or against your keeping it, but physically and financially it would be very tough. Please consider all aspects carefully. Have you contacted Planned Parenthood or any social agencies in your area for counseling or info on other resources?

Also IMO, the father of the child, if you decide to keep it, needs to man up and provide his child with support. You didn't get pregnant by yourself. If he isn't financially ready for this, he doesn't have any business having unprotected sex, either. But since he did, he needs to accept the consequences.

Best wishes, whatever you decide.

Last edited by Gusano; 09-06-2017 at 01:42 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-06-2017, 01:31 PM
 
Location: East Helena, MT
763 posts, read 478,094 times
Reputation: 2003
I'm going to answer part of your question. First, I am a man. I have a beautiful wife, and 4 fantastic children. I am 38 years old. My wife and I were married 2 months after we first met, I will let you figure out why. We have been married for 13 years. If a person wants something bad enough, they will make it work. We were scared at first, and we weren't prepared, but it worked out fine. We barely knew each other.


The father is a piece of crap. You already know this. Don't let anything he says enter your decision making process. He knew the condom wasn't there. For a guy, there is a HUGE difference in sensation when you are bare back. He willingly placed his DNA there, so now he has to face the legal consequences. When I found out I was about to be a father, I knew instantly what I needed to do. I didn't have a doubt in my mind. He is obviously the type of guy who likes to dip his toe in the water, and move to a new swimming hole.


You sound like you want the baby, so keep him/her. Don't let doubt, or fear, dissuade you. You can be a mother, and still find a great guy. You are smart, enjoy your pregnancy.


My wife met some life long friends at the OBGYN. Talk to the other women in the waiting room. Emotional support can come from friends.


I wish you the best.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-06-2017, 01:55 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
72,633 posts, read 64,111,757 times
Reputation: 68371
Every individual has to make the decision herself. What I would do may not be what another would do. However, my take here is that it's not a good time. It's so much better when there are two parents fully on board with the pregnancy and child-raising, and the whole thing can be a happy experience! You're worried about emotional fallout from an abortion, but what about the stress and anxiety as the pregnancy progresses, and all kinds of expenses loom, you have to worry about day care and all kinds of other issues?

Also, in the emotional fallout department, IMO it depends on how soon you can arrange an abortion. The longer the pregnancy progresses, the more hormonal change you experience, which impacts the emotions. For example, women who manage to get an abortion within the first month of pregnancy, get a procedure called a "menstrual extraction" (another word for very early-term abortion). There is no baby to connect with at that stage; it's a growing zygote beginning to differentiate. The level of pregnancy hormones in play at that stage is very different from someone who gets an abortion at 3 months. So generally, it's not a highly emotional experience for women at that stage, unless there are other factors at play (religious, or whatever).

You're still at an early stage. While you're debating this with yourself, make an appointment for an abortion. Have you been diagnosed by a doctor? See a doctor ASAP (this week, if possible! Tell the receptionist it's urgent), so you can proceed to the next stage: making an appointment at the hospital or clinic. Then, once you have that set up, you can continue in your decision process. You can always cancel the procedure, if you decide to. But it's paramount to get everything in place as soon as you can.

I don't think an abortion at this stage would result in any pregnancy complications later in life. Multiple abortions tend to carry that risk, but just one would be very low risk.

I don't know if abortion has been politicized in your state, and limited. You need to start looking into where they're available, TODAY. Don't put off these tasks relating to setting up appointments, or you'll end up with no choices. Many abortion providers left that field, due to harassment, so it can be difficult to find one. You need to see what's available in your area. If you're near a state line, you may have to go across state lines. When you call your doctor's office, ask the staff if they can recommend any abortion providers. Do this today. Again, you can always cancel later, but you do need to start moving on making all the arrangements immediately.

Good luck, OP. Stay in touch.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-06-2017, 02:36 PM
 
583 posts, read 251,214 times
Reputation: 2421
If you want to keep the baby, keep the baby, but plan on being a single parent and figure out how you're going to make it work.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-08-2017, 08:46 PM
 
1,665 posts, read 688,646 times
Reputation: 2079
Typical of a guy in any relationship won't take responsibility and step up. True that you haven't known him long but obviously enough to have a couple of months relationship.


NO ONE is ready for a child. It doesn't matter what your finances are, age, or anything. All it takes is hard work and the right attitude and the will to see things through. Commitment.


A baby should be wanted. Loved. That's all it needs. Everything else will fall into place.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting > Pregnancy
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top