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Thank you ladies for sharing your very personal stories with me and anyone else this touches. I grieve for your losses and those of your family members as well.
You are right MTT. When I lost the baby I was 42 and since it took so long and was so draining trying to get pregnant only to end tragically, I was not going to put myself and my husband through that again, plus I knew my energy level would not be up to par to start all over again raising an infant in my mid forties or did I want a big age gap between my son and a new baby either. It's the thought that goes into thinking of a name, buying the maternity clothes ( I already had a baby bump by the eighth week) imagining how wonderful it all will be and the excitment my little boy at the time had knowing he would not be alone. That was the hardest part....my first thought when I was told after waiting hours to find a ultrasound tech to see me on Superbowl Sunday, that the baby was dead was what am I going to tell my poor son and imagining the look in his eyes when hearing the news. Even now the guilt kills me. For years afterward he begged me for a sibling. Our lives became very crazy a few years later both financially and with lots of moving and did not want to adopt nor could we afford to. It was so hard. I went through the same thing when I was a child because my brother is seven years older than myself and left home for college when I was 12. I longed for a sister and use to beg my parents to adopt, not knowing that my mother had suffered five miscarriages and gave birth to a severly retarded baby three years before I came along. I didn't know any of this until I was an adult and really felt for my mother going through all that and enduring my asking about another child without knowing the pain she had gone through. Thanks for listening.
I've suffered a miscarriage too, just a couple of years ago. I can definitely see why your still grieving! I think it's one of those things where there will always be some pain, but by talking about it and really taking the time to heal your emotional self it won't cut so deep when you think about it.
I have had two. The first came between my first and second son, the second was with my second husband when we were trying desparetly to concieve.
Although I have three beautiful boys - I always wonder what might have been, and yes, the pain does not go away. I believe this has made my stance on abortion even stronger.
I understand where youre coming from. I went through four, including one on Christmas Eve, and one at almost 4 months. ( i too, had to wait for an extensive D&C., much longer and we might have had to do the birth....)All were horrid, and heartwrentching. I was very very fortunate, and was able to still bring 3 children to birth (although one was born at 27weeks! that was close) and all three are happy healthy thriving and bring me great joy each and every day.
I was able to talk it out great w/my husband, and I know that made a huge difference for me, and how yeah, it still hurts, and I still wonder.....but the pain has eased so much. During emotional times, sometimes something will bring one of my angel babies to mind, and tears to my eyes, but its been 8yrs now since the last loss, and Ive coped well. I did a lot of talking out online too, theres a couple of wonderful sites where you can put your babies name/date/personal message on a little cloud and match it to a little angle, or star. It always made me feel better to know my babies were recorded somewhere w/a name and all for all time.
I also think its made me a better friend when others i know have gone through it. Having someone listen that understands your agony can help.
there really cant be a timeline on the loss of your baby IMO. They are part of your heart, and worth your tears. Just dont let it consume you.
another thing that helped me was to to the store, pick out some baby stuff that I just adored, and then take it and donate it to different charities in my babies name. Another way of keeping them from just...disappearing.
take heart, do what you need and know there are others out there that share your pain and will always lend an ear and/or shoulder.
Tiffany
How is my sadness affecting my son? It isn't. I never show it when something triggers it on tv or movies and he never watches things like that anyway. The rest of the time I function normally and rarely give it a thought, so I am not upset day in and day out. Just when something visual reminds me which thankfully is very rare but when it does, it really does.
There are some things that an individual can never fully heal from.
My sister and I both cry together over our sons who were never born - both stillbirths. I never fully understood my sister's pain over the loss of her full-term stillborn baby boy until I went through the same horrible experience.
My son died at 27 weeks gestation, but my OB insisted that I continue to carry it to "allow the body to shrink enough for inducement". (I have since found out that she could have caused my own death from sepsis as the baby was decomposing!)
It was gut-wrenching to go grocery shopping with a 7 month pregnant belly and to have people ask when the baby was due. How do you tell someone that your baby died and will not have a birth? I still feel that pain - especially on June 28, the day that our baby was delivered.
I would lie in bed trying to sleep and I could swear that I felt the baby move. I would poke my belly trying to get him to kick and move again. But, it wouldn't happen. I went to the doctor's every week so she could measure my uterus to see when she felt that it was small enough to induce delivery. I would tell her that I was sure the baby moved. I was told everytime - impossible, the baby isn't alive. I just could not accept it.
The night I was induced I was in a hospital room alone with mild contractions. About 4 AM I started to have stronger contractions and suddenly there on my bed was my little boy. I can see, feel and sense it as if it was yesterday. It was 24 years ago.
We did have another son (our fifth) the following year. He was and continues to be a blessing in my life for the past 22 years. I was 40 at the time, my oldest son was a senior in high school. He has always been adored by the entire family, but I, and I know my sister, still long for the one that had no birth.
I hope others are able to cope with their loss at any stage of a pregnancy. Our children are gifts from God and we cherish them. What a loving God we have to help us mend our grieving hearts, each one in a different way. We can grieve without losing hope and without having a life of sadness. God will always bless us in some way because he feels our sorrow and mourns with us.
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