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Old 10-28-2008, 08:29 PM
Location: in a house
5,835 posts, read 3,721,392 times
Reputation: 4890


I wanted to know how other women have lived with the loss of a baby years after the fact and if they are in as much pain now as they were then if you see something that brings it all back like a movie or t.v. show?
After trying for three years and enduring medical procedures I finally had gotten pregnant. I had given birth four years earlier without a hitch so naturally thought it would be just as easy even though I was in my late 30's. I was astoundingly happy as if in a dream and so elated that my son would have a brother or sister and not be alone after we were no longer here. But after my 10th week I experienced cramps followed by finding out the baby had been dead for at least two weeks and had to have a d/c. I don't think I really mourned the loss of my baby at the time because I was afraid it would swallow me alive and my husband kept it to himself. We rarely spoke about it. Just suffered quietly, seperately all of these years which is now ten years. I am writing this because I just can't believe the unbelievable pain that overcomes me by watching someone losing a child in one form or another and my husband just hates to see me suffer like that. Do you still go through this and will it ever get better?
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Old 10-28-2008, 08:32 PM
1,651 posts, read 2,652,234 times
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The only way to help the situation is to have another child, but you may lose that one too. "Cutting your losses" doesn't make any room in the annuls of Biology, so thats why people always try again, even with the risk of further sadness.
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Old 10-28-2008, 08:40 PM
Location: in a house
5,835 posts, read 3,721,392 times
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Maybe I should have included that I am now 52 with a fifteen year old with no plans on getting pregnant. Probably why I have four dogs instead.
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Old 10-28-2008, 10:24 PM
Location: Austin, TX
4,749 posts, read 11,815,217 times
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Originally Posted by puffle View Post
Do you still go through this and will it ever get better?
It did get better for me over time but I am permanently changed. Now I have a constant awareness of the potential for tragedy. I am never completely carefree. I don't think this melancholy will ever completely go away, but the silver lining is that I view human life as the most precious gift. So while there is still lingering pain there, it is bittersweet because now I never take my children or anyone else's children for granted.
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Old 10-28-2008, 10:29 PM
Location: Where the real happy cows reside!
4,281 posts, read 9,082,811 times
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puffle, I am so sorry for your loss. There is no need to suffer in silence. Talk about it. Open that line of cummunication with your husband as you know he hurts too.

I wish you all the best.
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Old 10-29-2008, 06:42 AM
Location: I am no Longer Invisible!!!!!
6,729 posts, read 8,356,860 times
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Puffle - Everyone deals with miscarriages differently. I have had one in the past. I do think about it from time to time.

I think it upsets me more so - to hear of other losses through miscarriage and the pain the hold.

No one can truly understand the pain it causes, unless it has happened to them.
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Old 10-29-2008, 07:18 AM
Location: Moon Over Palmettos
5,974 posts, read 16,747,712 times
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Puffle - I am about your age, and my first child who I miscarried would be the same age as your daughter. Luckily, I got pregnant within 3 months of that and gave birth to a daughter, now 14. I think about it every so often, and the D&C I too had to get because it wouldn't spontaneously come out (it was a blighted ovum), but if I had that one, I wouldn't have the beautiful daughter I now have. It was one or the other. When I think about what could have been and look at what I have right now, it makes it easier for me to forget. My hubby is usually a stoic person, but on the day we found out, he locked himself in the bathroom and bawled his heart out. Hearing him tore me apart, more than my own pain, but we looked forward. Twenty-two months after the birth of my daughter, we had a son. I couldn't be more blessed with two healthy, happy and high achieving children. Each one deals with a miscarriage differently but there are reasons for why it happens I believe is beyond mortal's comprehension. I hope that peace comes to you as it had come to me.
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Old 10-29-2008, 07:26 AM
Location: in a house
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I am so happy for you bibit612! I honestly don't dwell on it...it has been ten years, but when I see things that have to do with that event, the pain just comes roaring back as if it was yesterday. It's sadness for what could have been and the brief miracle we had. My deep attachment to my child is more so because of the miscarriage and the miracle that I at least was able to have one healthy child.
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Old 10-29-2008, 07:37 AM
Location: Finally back "home" in Ohio
620 posts, read 1,720,855 times
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Puffle- I am so sorry for your loss. It is great that you are at least coming to here posting to help you find peace in your heart for your lost child. Everyone deals differently with a loss and there is no right or wrong way. Just because you think your dh has buried his feelings, he might not have. It might hurt him deeply, but is dealing with it in a very different way than you are.

Have you tried writing a letter to your little one to help get the feelings out on paper? Even though it has been 15 years, I doubt that memories of that day have been erased at all. Have you tried talking to others that have been through the same situation? I know there are support groups even if you went for a short time. Maybe, try a counselor? Fifteen years is not a long time, honestly when you have lost a loved one. Nobody can understand the pain of your loss unless they have gone through it.

I wish you nothing but peace in your heart.
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Old 10-29-2008, 07:52 AM
Location: mass
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Puffle I am so sorry for your loss. i know it was a long time ago but it still affects you deeply.

I also suffered a miscarriage around the 13th week and was told the baby was dead for a couple of weeks. I was scheduled for a d&c at the end of the week, as the midwife wanted to give my body a chance to "expel" the fetus on its own.

After two days, I started hemorrhaging. Not regular bleeding, but massive amounts of blood. At the time I lived in Brooklyn and the hospital we were using was 45 minutes away with traffic. I was terrified (between the bleeding and my husband's driving) and passing out by the time we got there. I remember thinking, when my husband ran into the hospital to get help, "Am I freaking dying here????" Anwyay, i had the d&c.
I will say that at some point, I stopped thinking about the baby and started thinking about myself and my son that was at home and him not having a mommy anymore.
Afterward, I tried to keep it in perspective. I already had one healthy child and there was no reason to think I couldn't have another. My sister in law had, about 3 years before, suffered through giving birth to a dead baby when she was 5 months along in the pregnancy. They saw the baby, and said it looked just like a newborn but tiny, even had eyelashes. I think that helped me in my situation to consider myself lucky that it happened as early as it did.

I also had a very strong religious faith. I looked at it like for some reason God didn't want me to have that baby. For whatever reason, it just wasn't in the "Plan"

I will say that two years later, when pregnant for my third time, that I started bleeding again, in the 4th month or so. I called the Dr. office, and the dr. I spoke to told me "it sounds like you are having a miscarriage....." I will say that I was absolutely heartbroken and depressed, and scared that maybe I wouldn't be able to have any more kids. I was supposed to be going to a hall and preparing for my cousin's Engagement party. It was a happy day and I had this terrible thing going on. My mom gave me hope and said that I might not be having a miscarriage. Just rest and see what happened. It turns out I did not have a miscarriage, but I was bleeding on and off for four more months with no explanation. I was at the Dr. office twice a week practically to make sure the baby was still alive. Once the nurse couldn't find the heartbeat and had to get someone else. In the end, I had a perfectly beautiful baby girl.

I don't normally share these stories, but I do now for a few reasons:

1.) they never told me I might hemorrhage. She said "if you start bleeding come in" I asked her how much; she only said "heavier than your heaviest period" I was in no way prepared for what happened and I was more terrified than necessary IMO

2.) when I started to bleed the next pregnancy I thought it was over, and the Dr. told me over the phone I was having a miscarriage. I had no idea i might not and it was extra stressful for no reason.

3.) we have to keep things in perspective. Although it is terrible to lose any pregnancy, I have dealt with most things in life as they could always be worse. I have another sister in law and a cousin that both delivered full term, dead babies, plus the other one that lost hers at 5 months. This helped me in my time of need.

I hope this might help someone else.

Puffle, I feel this may be harder for you as you did not have anymore children after your miscarriage and you wanted more. So you feel the loss more acutely, as if someone from your family is missing. I am so sorry it happened to you but maybe you will find comfort in sharing your experience and story with other women, and hearing their stories.
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