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Well, to be honest, my husband is pressuring me and I am ambivalent as to whether I want a baby. I think I want kids, but if it were up to me I'd wait a good 5-8 years at least. But hubby is chomping at the bit. He feels it's time already, that we've been married 5 years and we're both in our early 30's. He doesn't want to wait anymore than another year or two. Sometimes I feel really trapped--because I want to be with him but at the same time I know deep down that I am not ready now to become a parent. However, the tremendous pressure I feel from him stresses me out on a daily basis. I think I want kids in general at some point, but I know very well all the work involved in raising a child and I don't think I'm ready for it now. I'd like to establish my career first and then have children, but I know that nature does not always work that way if you're over 35, and I definitely do not want to do IVF.
Hubby wants a baby now but I feel ambivalent because we have no family here to help, he works 70 hours a week, we'd have to get a nanny and I really am scared about the physical discomfort of pregnancy. I am truly concerned that I will start having major anxiety problems because I can't deal with the discomfort. Additionally, because of some health issues I'm going to need extensive testing (high risk OB specialist) done before I even get pregnant, and I don't want to deal with all that.
Have you asked your husband why he is in such a hurry to have a baby? After all, if he is working 70 hours a week, he isn't gonna be there to help you. Honey - please, please seek some counseling. Either on your own or with your husband. Having children is not something that someone should be pressured into doing. I can't say this strong enough. Do not get pregnant just to please someone else! Its not fair to you or the child.
To me, having my children has been the biggest most rewarding experience I have ever had in my life. Despite having gone through the struggles I've gone through, it was well worth every minute of it. They have helped make me the mother I am today, and in-turn, I have helped make them the beautiful individuals they are today - something I would never, ever take back.
It sounds like as much as you love him, you want two different things from life. I would sure get this figured out prior to having a child. Once you have a child, your whole life changes. That includes your relationship with your husband. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse but mostly it's just different. Children are hard work even if you want them more than life itself. Please think about how it's going to be when he is working 70 hours/week and the baby is colicky or sick. Like it or not, that will happen more than once. Then where will you be? Please think this through carefully. Get some counseling if necessary. There's no going back once you make this decision.
I think we want the same things from life, only he wants that now and I'd like to wait 5-8 years. He's got a more "settled" mentality than I do. I think the reason he is in such a hurry to have a baby is a) he thinks we've been married long enough and are mature enough to start this new phase of our lives; b) he doesn't want to wait too long because of problems with advanced maternal age; c) he's already established in his career and is looking for a new challenge; d) he feels we are stagnating because we still rent and are not "settled" and don't have children; e) he feels emotionally ready for a child and thinks I should be too. These are all good reasons. However, I'm just not emotionally ready. I am not as "settled" as him. I am also just beginning my career, as I just made a huge career change.
I know that having a child changes everything and it worries me because of the demanding job he has. I barely see him now, I know that this will get worse if we have a child. He doesn't fully grasp how our life will change if we have a child. We don't have any nieces or nephews, so he has no experience with kids at all.
I think counseling is a great idea. I've been thinking about that for awhile, but haven't been ready to take that step. I'm not sure if I should go on my own first or if we should do couples counseling first. I also am not sure how I can introduce him to the reality of being a parent, since we don't know anyone who has kids (I have one friend with kids but she lives far away). I want him to know fully what he is getting into (as I do since I read parenting stuff a lot).
Are you that special and different from the billions of women who have given birth to children over the past centuries that, for YOU, it might be so uncomfortable that you may not want to do it?
If so, don't do it.
Pregnancy can be uncomfortable. So what?
Childbirth doesn't tickle, but women do it every day. We are lucky to live in a time when pain free childbirth is possible. A nurse once told me to remember that the pain associated with childbirth isn't harming you, so you don't have to be afraid of it, it helped put it into perspective.
If you want to worry about something, worry about the baby growing into a teenager. Now, THAT's painful.
Last edited by gentlearts; 06-11-2009 at 09:23 AM..
I think we want the same things from life, only he wants that now and I'd like to wait 5-8 years. He's got a more "settled" mentality than I do. I think the reason he is in such a hurry to have a baby is a) he thinks we've been married long enough and are mature enough to start this new phase of our lives; b) he doesn't want to wait too long because of problems with advanced maternal age; c) he's already established in his career and is looking for a new challenge; d) he feels we are stagnating because we still rent and are not "settled" and don't have children; e) he feels emotionally ready for a child and thinks I should be too. These are all good reasons. However, I'm just not emotionally ready. I am not as "settled" as him. I am also just beginning my career, as I just made a huge career change.
I know that having a child changes everything and it worries me because of the demanding job he has. I barely see him now, I know that this will get worse if we have a child. He doesn't fully grasp how our life will change if we have a child. We don't have any nieces or nephews, so he has no experience with kids at all.
I think counseling is a great idea. I've been thinking about that for awhile, but haven't been ready to take that step. I'm not sure if I should go on my own first or if we should do couples counseling first. I also am not sure how I can introduce him to the reality of being a parent, since we don't know anyone who has kids (I have one friend with kids but she lives far away). I want him to know fully what he is getting into (as I do since I read parenting stuff a lot).
Maybe print this thread out and let him read both your posts and our replies. It will open the dialog between you and articulates your concerns without any inflection that could cause him to get defensive.
I'm a woman who is thinking about becoming pregnant. My husband and I have been married for five years and he wants a baby. However, I have heard so many bad things about pregnancy, like about how the baby's feet/legs get under your rib cage in the third trimester, how it's hard to breathe, and about round ligament pain (among other symptoms), and I really wonder if I can endure that kind of physical discomfort for 9 long months. The feet/legs under the rib cage really gives me the heebie jeebies. I can see myself having panic attacks because of that. I have a minor anxiety problem in general, and have a history of panic attacks, and I worry that I will be so overwhelmed by the physical discomfort of pregnancy that I will have panic attacks all through the pregnancy.
I only have one friend who has a kid and she said her pregnancy was easy and uneventful except that she had horrible heartburn in the third trimester, but her labor sounded like a nightmare, and she said she had problems breathing during it.
So is pregnancy really that bad? I know it depends on the woman, and my mother said her pregnancy was a piece of cake (she never had morning sickness or any discomfort and said that labor was like a bad menstrual cramp and that's it--she had no epidural.) Hopefully it would be like that for me but you never know.
Also, what physical tests/vaccines should a woman have before becoming pregnant?
The standard mommie script goes...."yes pregnancy is difficult and labor is as nightmare....but when you look into your baby's eys and hold him/her for the first time it is all forgotten..... yada yada yada blah blah blah."
Perhaps it is true (otherwise why would anyone have a second child?) But I'm still not buying it. Yet another reason *I* am bilssfully childfree.
And yet, here you are posting in the "parenting" forum, yet again.....
Funny, I didn't read anything in the TOS preventing me from posting on any forum I wish.
I do not pick my forums. I simply hit "new posts" and choose topics that look interesting.
20yrsinBranson
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