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The standard mommie script goes...."yes pregnancy is difficult and labor is as nightmare....but when you look into your baby's eys and hold him/her for the first time it is all forgotten..... yada yada yada blah blah blah."
Perhaps it is true (otherwise why would anyone have a second child?) But I'm still not buying it. Yet another reason *I* am bilssfully childfree.
20yrsinBranson
Then possibly you should refrain from posting in the parenting forum - no?
I nor anyone else here cares why you don't want to have any children.
The majority posting here are parents, and iMHO I find your comments a bit insulting.
No one will have any gist what it's like to be a parent until you experience it for yourself.
I think we want the same things from life, only he wants that now and I'd like to wait 5-8 years. He's got a more "settled" mentality than I do. I think the reason he is in such a hurry to have a baby is a) he thinks we've been married long enough and are mature enough to start this new phase of our lives; b) he doesn't want to wait too long because of problems with advanced maternal age; c) he's already established in his career and is looking for a new challenge; d) he feels we are stagnating because we still rent and are not "settled" and don't have children; e) he feels emotionally ready for a child and thinks I should be too. These are all good reasons. However, I'm just not emotionally ready. I am not as "settled" as him. I am also just beginning my career, as I just made a huge career change.
I know that having a child changes everything and it worries me because of the demanding job he has. I barely see him now, I know that this will get worse if we have a child. He doesn't fully grasp how our life will change if we have a child. We don't have any nieces or nephews, so he has no experience with kids at all.
I think counseling is a great idea. I've been thinking about that for awhile, but haven't been ready to take that step. I'm not sure if I should go on my own first or if we should do couples counseling first. I also am not sure how I can introduce him to the reality of being a parent, since we don't know anyone who has kids (I have one friend with kids but she lives far away). I want him to know fully what he is getting into (as I do since I read parenting stuff a lot).
You said it right here. You think you want the same things in life. Either you know or you don't, there is no middle ground when it comes to making a life altering decision like having children. In order to be the best parent possible you have got to know that you want kids, not just think you want kids.
I Think the others are right when they said you need to get some counceling. First and foremost for your panic attacks and secondly so you and your husband can work through this and come to a decision equally whether that decision be to 1)wait a few years to have a kid, or 2) have a kid now or 3) not have a kid at all.
Does he know and understand about your panic attacks? BTW I wasn't trying to dismiss that fact in a previous post. But If your panic attacks are as bad as you say they are having children can make them worse. You go through a lot of stress and worry having kids and kids will do things that will constantly scare you. As I understand it stress and fear are big triggers in bringing on panic attacks. I also understand that panic attacks can bring about depression and more worry and fear. I understand that it can be a vicious cycle. But I also understand that there are treatments and help to ease or eleminate them all together. Maybe you need to work on calming your worries and stress before you bring on even more worry and stress and you will need help and support from your spouse as well.
If he is pressuring you into doing something you do not feel ready for, he is not helping your mental state and if you give in to him when you are not ready you won't be helping your mental state either. Taking on the responsibilty of a child is not just a physical challenge but a mental one as well and you need to be ready in all aspects. With today's medicine there are women in their 60s having healthy and fairly uneventful pregnancies and babies without IFV.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hammy5
She said that he thinks his desires trump hers - that is selfish, IMO.
Kristine
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom
And by keeping putting it off, she is effectively trumping him. Same thing.
There is selfish interest on both sides and I don't think that either party can really be faulted for their convictions. This pretty clearly calls for a very serious discussion, probably with a professional mediator (I get the impression the OP's husband can be a "railroading conversationalist"), to decide what will happen next. Marriages are all about compromise and concession and if this is truly a debate of "when to have kids" then the two of you can fix the problem. However, if half of the marriage is clearly called to a family and the other is clearly not, that's irreconcileable. If your spouse wants a family and you do not, I think you should be prepared to let the marriage go if you stick to those guns.
Just my opinion, but I would not stay in a marriage with no prospect of a family (and I'm not saying I would leave a woman who was physically unable to bear children, I'm saying that I would have to go elsewhere if I was in a marriage where a family was voluntarily and indefinitely witheld).
Whether or not you may wish to have children in the future, it's plain you are not ready for that yet. And that is cool. However, for you to have children just to make your husband happy NOW is going to have potentially devestating effects on the entire family, especially you and the kids in the long run. Whether you mean to or not, if you are not ready to have kids but go ahead to please your spouse, you have a good chance of resenting your husband and your children (innocent bystanders) which will cause havoc in your marriage.
Look. From one woman to another, with utmost respect, I do not think you are ready. And you need to be ready to embrace having children, especially if you have such anxiety issues. You will do yourself and your future children a disservice if you aren't. It's not a bad thing to wait until you are. Your husband is doing you a disservice now by pushing this so hard. Do not let him push you into a lifelong decision until the two of you are on the same page. Because having children is a lifelong decision. It doesnt end at pregnancy. It's only the beginning of forever. Your husband needs to either back off and respect that you are not ready, or you may need to take a really hard look at your relationship and make other decisions if he can not respect you enough for this decision. It's better to end a relationship ( if it goes that far) childless, than to be pushed into having kids and having the relationship sour with kids involved.
Sit down with your husband and tell him point blank you are not ready yet. Not forever, just yet. And he needs to respect that.
If he is pressuring you into doing something you do not feel ready for, he is not helping your mental state and if you give in to him when you are not ready you won't be helping your mental state either.
I completely agree. It's a very stressful situation for me. I also feel bad, like I should feel emotionally ready, even though I'm not. Hubby makes me feel like I'm immature for not being ready to have a child, since it would seem like everything is in place to have a child, and since I'm in my early 30's I should feel ready by now. I guess when it comes down to it I'm just not as "settled" as he is, and not ready to make all the sacrifices--both physical and emotional--that having a child requires.
The other problem is child care. We'd need a nanny, as we have no family anywhere close to us. I really don't like the idea of having a nanny, but with him working 70 hour weeks and me just embarking on my new career, I don't see a way around it.
Look. From one woman to another, with utmost respect, I do not think you are ready. And you need to be ready to embrace having children, especially if you have such anxiety issues. You will do yourself and your future children a disservice if you aren't. It's not a bad thing to wait until you are. Your husband is doing you a disservice now by pushing this so hard. Do not let him push you into a lifelong decision until the two of you are on the same page. Because having children is a lifelong decision. It doesnt end at pregnancy. It's only the beginning of forever. Your husband needs to either back off and respect that you are not ready, or you may need to take a really hard look at your relationship and make other decisions if he can not respect you enough for this decision. It's better to end a relationship ( if it goes that far) childless, than to be pushed into having kids and having the relationship sour with kids involved.
Sit down with your husband and tell him point blank you are not ready yet. Not forever, just yet. And he needs to respect that.
I completely agree with you, and I appreciate your honesty. He is getting impatient with me. I have told him I'm not ready yet and he is impatient. He thinks if I keep putting this off I'll get to the point where I'll be infertile and then we'll have to turn to IVF or surrogacy/adoption. He's chomping at the bit. He's ready for a new challenge--i.e. parenthood. I don't know what else I can do to quell his impatience. I can see how he is throwing himself into a particular hobby of his because he needs a new challenge. But I can see that this hobby is not enough for him. He feels empty without a family, and he yearns for a family. How can I keep putting him off when he feels this way? He needs a family in order to feel whole, if I keep putting this off for a few more years, he will keep having this intense longing.
I think we want the same things from life, only he wants that now and I'd like to wait 5-8 years. He's got a more "settled" mentality than I do. I think the reason he is in such a hurry to have a baby is a) he thinks we've been married long enough and are mature enough to start this new phase of our lives; b) he doesn't want to wait too long because of problems with advanced maternal age; c) he's already established in his career and is looking for a new challenge; d) he feels we are stagnating because we still rent and are not "settled" and don't have children; e) he feels emotionally ready for a child and thinks I should be too. These are all good reasons. However, I'm just not emotionally ready. I am not as "settled" as him. I am also just beginning my career, as I just made a huge career change.
I know that having a child changes everything and it worries me because of the demanding job he has. I barely see him now, I know that this will get worse if we have a child. He doesn't fully grasp how our life will change if we have a child. We don't have any nieces or nephews, so he has no experience with kids at all.
I think counseling is a great idea. I've been thinking about that for awhile, but haven't been ready to take that step. I'm not sure if I should go on my own first or if we should do couples counseling first. I also am not sure how I can introduce him to the reality of being a parent, since we don't know anyone who has kids (I have one friend with kids but she lives far away). I want him to know fully what he is getting into (as I do since I read parenting stuff a lot).
At the beginning of the thread I thought your only issue was fear of the pregnancy but now I see that there is more to it. Do not have children until you both are ready. And he is not ready until he cuts down on the number of hours that he works. Tell him you do not want to be a single parent. And that children need a father not just a paycheck.
I completely agree with you, and I appreciate your honesty. He is getting impatient with me. I have told him I'm not ready yet and he is impatient. He thinks if I keep putting this off I'll get to the point where I'll be infertile and then we'll have to turn to IVF or surrogacy/adoption. He's chomping at the bit. He's ready for a new challenge--i.e. parenthood. I don't know what else I can do to quell his impatience. I can see how he is throwing himself into a particular hobby of his because he needs a new challenge. But I can see that this hobby is not enough for him. He feels empty without a family, and he yearns for a family. How can I keep putting him off when he feels this way? He needs a family in order to feel whole, if I keep putting this off for a few more years, he will keep having this intense longing.
Get him a dog.
In all seriousness, it is very clear to all of us here that you are not only not ready for a child, you don't WANT one. And you need to stop feeling guilty about that. It is not like there is a magic number that a woman hits were she all of a sudden should be ready for a kid. Everyone is different and it is OK that your not ready.
I don't know that he is being selfish - there is nothing wrong with him wanting a family anything more than there is nothing wrong with her not wanting one. The problem isn't one of selfishness on either side - they just want different things in life.
I agree 100%. I just hate to see one have to give in to the other and give up what they want.
I can see resentment either way a definite possibility.
I agree, get him a dog. And while he might be ready for a child now, again, its totally unfair to make you have a child to please his need when youre not ready. Having children takes 2 committed adults.
Seriously, you need to tell him you're not ready yet and to accept that, or you and he need to seriously rethink your relationship and where it is going. Hard as that may sound, if you do not, you are asking for a lot more heart ache and problems in the long run if you dont.
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