I feel like a terrible friend (women, range, fertility, conceiving) - Pregnancy - - Page 3 - City-Data Forum

ctribucher · 10-20-2009, 04:54 PM

Thank you so much for your reply, kaykay. I am sorry to hear about your son's accident, but want you to know how much I appreciate you sharing your story. It's also nice to know that my feeling like such a heel is natural!

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaykay

I think the way you feel is just human. We lost our 16 year old in a car accident 8 years ago. He was our only child (in fact, we adopted him as a newborn.) Now we are of the age when most of our friends have grandchildren and frankly, it's hard to hear about them. Sometimes when people talk so much about their kids and grandkids to me and my husband, I wonder if they think about WHO they're talking to!

Not that I expect people to never bring up the subject. That would be ridiculous and unnatural, but when people talk of their kids and grandkids to us excessively (at least what I consider excessively!

) it's just painful. I know they don't mean to be hurtful, but it just is what it is.

As others have recommended to you, I know adoption isn't for everyone and adopting an infant, if that's what you desire, isn't even always possible, but I highly recommend it if it IS something you and your husband would consider.

Other than that, I would just advise you to cut yourself some slack here. It's natural to feel pain in these circumstances and not want to hear of others' happiness. At least, that's what I think.

(In fact, my first blog entry on here about a year ago discussed this. If you care to read it, it is entitled, "Can I Whine a Little?")

ctribucher · 10-20-2009, 04:56 PM

I love this philosophy, even if I have my doubts about being ready to become a parent just yet. Great outlook though!

Quote:

Originally Posted by JBMallory

Be happy for your friend, as she is lucky. Look into adoption for yourself, and make a child lucky.

ctribucher · 10-20-2009, 04:58 PM

Wow, I can't even imagine what it must have been like for you to lose the baby and then have a friend announce her pregnancy. That must have been so difficult for you to hear, especially as you were grieving. I'm glad to know that you have two children now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dsh1127

Please don't beat yourself up over this. You are not a terrible friend, you are feeling a normal feeling. I have been on both sides of this.

First, I was the one that my friend was jealous of. I was pregnant and she couldn't get pregnant. It took me awhile to even tell her because I felt bad. I did eventually tell her and yes our friendship changed for a little while. It was very hard on her, and I felt almost guilty.

Then when I was 5 months along I lost the baby. Right about that time I had another friend that announced that she was pregnant. It cut like a knife! I definitely understood how my other friend felt.

Now since then the friend that couldn't get pregnant had someone offer to carry her baby. She now has a beautiful 10 year old girl! And I have had two children since then that are now 11 & 12. Being pregnant and carrying your child in that way is amazing, but it is only a short episode compared to raising and loving a child for life. You really may want to look into adoption, or a surrogate mother type of situation

.

ctribucher · 10-20-2009, 04:59 PM

Well... she might. We do have that close of a friendship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by omigawd

It's natural to feel the way you're feeling. However, keep in mind, she's not going to wake up e-mailing you everyday with "pregnancy news"..... She will more than likely go along with her life as it is and just update you with real news ----sonograms and the like or the dread of morning sickness if she has it.

As for your situation, if you physically cannot have children, why not adopt? Or, as someone mentioned, be a foster parent?? A lot of foster parents wind up adopting the child(ren) they foster. Either way, you will touch the life of a child and that child will touch your lives.

ctribucher · 10-20-2009, 05:02 PM

That's a good way to look at things... just enjoy the time we have together when we are able to do so. Thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by samstersmom

I am in a similar situation. When I was in my early 30's I was very jealous of others getting pregnant. My friends have been having kids for the past 10-15 years. And I was angry when I found out that my husband's son's girlfriend got pregnant at 20. I always wanted some but it wasn't meant to be and now I am 40 and know that it will not happen. (Husband has a vasectomy after first marriage). My best friend has a six year old son and she has her hands full so we can't go out like we used to but she really enjoys the time she has with me when we do get together. She understands how I feel and doesn't go into too much detail about her everyday parenting. I feel bad that she feels that she has to do this but it does make me feel better. Good luck!

ctribucher · 10-20-2009, 05:03 PM

Another wonderful story... thank you so much for sharing it with us.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LML

My sister and her husband were unable to have children and I know how broken hearted she felt when she had to deal with me and all of her friends having children. However they decided to adopt a little girl from India who they raised to be a fantastic woman. Their daughter is a nurse, married, has a sweet little 4 year old boy and is having another baby any day now. My sister got to be in the delivery room when her grandson was born. The way they look at it now is that God did send them the child they prayed for...He just sent it by way of India. They are so enjoying be grandparents. He can bring beauty from ashes. Your child may be out there waiting for you. Answers to prayers may come in ways you don't expect.

ctribucher · 10-20-2009, 05:05 PM

The first post to make me cry in this thread.

I know I need to talk to her about this... I just need to figure out a way to do it without upsetting her. That's the last thing I would want to do right now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by VBmom

I agree with everyone. You are not a horrible person. You are hurting. You have the right to feel this way. I would be very honest with your friend. Tell her what you have told us. Tell her you are very happy for her, but hurt for yourself. Maybe she is feeling a little guilty herself for being able to have a child when you can't. Clearing the air will be healthy for both of you and will deepen your friendship.
Life has dealt you a sad hand. I am so sorry.

ctribucher · 10-20-2009, 05:07 PM

She does... she was there for me when I was diagnosed 13 years ago.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustJulia

(I assume she knows about your medical condition.)

A friend of mine miscarried when I was pregnant, and I know she desperately wanted a baby. I felt so guilty and wished I could have talked to her about it.

ctribucher · 10-20-2009, 05:11 PM

Thanks to everyone who has responded... I have tried to post an individual reply to everyone who posted, but I also wanted to write a general note to express my gratitude for your confirmation that I'm not a horrible person for feeling this way.

I think I need to get my head sorted out and figure out some way to talk to her about all this. I just don't want to do anything that would upset her right now... I only want the best for her. I need to be a good friend to her... I just don't know how at the moment.

So, thanks again for the stories and the reassurances. It is appreciated.

StilltheSame · 10-20-2009, 05:27 PM

Dont be hard upon yourself. At least you acknowledge that its an issue for you. Naturally your friendship will change. And, im sorry to say will probably deteriorate - but it happens with even the best relationships with time and significant others/children. Doesnt mean its a bad thing - just different.