Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Maybe it would be fine with you if your 18 year old got pregnant that she lose all opportunity to further her education and accept living a more limited life with a career at WalMart - but it sure in the hell wouldn't be fine with me. If my kid found himself or herself in this situation, you better believe I'd move heavan and earth to help them make the best of it and salvage their plans for living up to their potential.
See, this is the difference between poor people and successful middle class people - parents who provide opportunities for their kids to succeed and safety nets when they fall. Parents who are not forward thinking enough to understand this concept end up with kids living a life of more financial hardship and struggle. A good parent should WANT their kid to go farther than they did in life - to have the best quality of life possible. Kicking an 18 year old to the curb, pregnant or not, sets that kid up for nothing but hard times and lots of failure. I would never do it (except in a case of "tough love" with a drug addict/criminal).
Thank you! Now, if my son and his GF start leaving the baby with me every night so they can go to a club or he spends his time playing video games when she needs him to take the baby, then we have a problem. I won't say I don't see that happening. Well, I don't see the clubbing happening because they don't do that even now, nor has he ever. But I won't support bad behavior or anything that puts the onus on me to take care of this baby. I'll do what I can so they can get a good start in life and provide any advice they ask me for. I won't sacrifice my retirement savings or give up my personal life in order to make things easier for them. There are limits. But I don't consider my sort of half-formed idea to move out of the area a sacrifice. As I said, if this were a planned pregnancy by an older child, I'd stay put just to be part of that grandchild's life.
This is so true. Times have sure changed. It's almost impossible for young adults to earn a viable income without a college degree these days. I also think it's sometimes difficult for people to comprehend that areas of the country are vastly different. Young adults living in high cost of living areas have an even greater challenge.
As a matter of fact, a class I took in Marriage and Family explained that there is a new stage of life that redefines what it means to be an "adult." It previously used to mean moving out a parent's home, getting a job, getting married and having a family. These days, even kids with college degrees are coming back home because they are unable to find work making a livable income. I'm guessing those young people at 22 are also suffering from the enabling parents who are insisting that they are now "adults" and therefore should bear the brunt of whatever the economy has to dole out. If NoExcuses is so concerned about kids who are costing the taxpayer money, what about the college graduate who did everything "right" and still is unable to support themselves?
Whew! I hope I've explained some previously poorly explained details and cleared up some confusion. Except for a naysayer who has some very particular ideas about what is and isn't acceptable, I appreciate the great amount of support and understanding. In the end, I think my son and his GF are approaching this in as level-headed a way any 18 year old blind-sided by life can be. Some things they aren't thinking through clearly but they are open to advice and seem to appreciate it. They bought me a very sweet "thank you" card and I was touched to see that they really do appreciate my efforts. There are a lot of difficulties, stressors and challenges ahead. It ain't gonna be easy. But we'll take it one day at a time.
Why would you want to encourage marriage to an 18 year old? That's dumb!
Because an 18 year old with a baby on the way is not a small boy who should run from his responsibilities. He needs to man up and be a father and a husband. The baby is what's important now, marriage is not the end of the world and no way should he run off and leave his family.
I think too many mothers want to baby their little boys forever and fail to teach them to grow up and be responsible.
While I agree with you in theory and we've talked about the pros and cons of marriage, the decision is theirs.
Yes everyone is different - but I would not allow my unmarried kids to shack up with some one in my house. I wold feel different about a married couple that is making a committment. I would do what I could to support a new family but not just some live-in lover arrangement.
Because an 18 year old with a baby on the way is not a small boy who should run from his responsibilities. He needs to man up and be a father and a husband. The baby is what's important now, marriage is not the end of the world and no way should he run off and leave his family.
I think too many mothers want to baby their little boys forever and fail to teach them to grow up and be responsible.
Marriage may not be the end of the world but divorcing someone can be very emotionally difficult, not to mention expensive. And no way is he running off and leaving his family. But to push marriage on a young couple who are still trying to figure this out is just asking for trouble. If they keep this baby, they will forever be tied to one another anyway. They need time to figure out all the options, pros, cons and what is right for them without Mother pecking at them about what I think is right or not right. If I start telling them what I think they should do now, where do I stop? Tell them which diaper brand to buy? Tell them how to raise their child? Tell them which major to take in college? It would be never-ending. I've asked the question "Have you discussed getting married?" And the answer was, "we aren't ready to make that decision right now." Fine. Can you please explain what it is that I have said which indicates that I want my son to be a little boy forever and that I've failed to teach him to grow up and be responsible?
Good grief I get sick to death of peole insisting that 18 year old teens aren't adults. I was married at 18 to another 18 year old and worked in a factory for 45 hours a week, kept house and took care of business. Later I put myself through college. He still works for the same company and will retire a reasonably young man with a beautiful house on a lake and a lot of money in the bank.
Why don't people expect anything of an 18 year old anymore? Why are they so incapable of taking care of themselves and their own business?
Really society has gone overboard on the delaying of adulthood.
Yes everyone is different - but I would not allow my unmarried kids to shack up with some one in my house. I wold feel different about a married couple that is making a committment. I would do what I could to support a new family but not just some live-in lover arrangement.
Then I guess we would do things differently. That doesn't make me wrong and you right. If the GF's family steps up and suggests that she move back home and have the baby and they decide that's the best thing to do, then that's great. If not, I will not kick her and my grandchild out because they haven't gotten married. And I hardly think two 18 year olds with a new baby are going to be enjoying anything like a "live-in lover arrangement." There are different kinds of commitment. There's the commitment to care for and raise a child together and then there's a sham marriage that isn't based in love and caring and won't last in any case. So then the child gets to see Mom and Dad fighting and being hateful with one another. Is that the kind of commitment you think is best?
Last edited by antiques55; 03-22-2010 at 12:46 AM..
@antiques55, you're doing things the right way. You're his Mom, and as his Mom, stand by him. It may be hard from time to time, but being a parent isn't always an easy road to walk, but it's definitely the most rewarding road to walk you'll ever walk in your life.
Having a grandchild is a very precious experience and I'm so happy for you and your son.
Really society has gone overboard on the delaying of adulthood.
Do you mean parents or do you mean society? Yes, there are parents who are enablers and who delay their child reaching adulthood. Then there's the phenomenon brought on by society (meaning Western capitalist society), the economy and, by extension, stockbrokers, mortgage lenders and politicians, which has prevented young people from entering adulthood because they are not able to successfully launch themselves. This isn't a self-imposed "failure to launch." It is caused by a situation which doesn't allow one to check those adulthood blocks. If Western capitalist society has gone overboard in this regard, maybe we need to talk to someone. Who do you suggest we call?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
But I don't consider my sort of half-formed idea to move out of the area a sacrifice. As I said, if this were a planned pregnancy by an older child, I'd stay put just to be part of that grandchild's life.
I get sick to death of peole insisting that 18 year old teens aren't adults. I was married at 18 to another 18 year old and worked in a factory for 45 hours a week, kept house and took care of business. Later I put myself through college. He still works for the same company and will retire a reasonably young man with a beautiful house on a lake and a lot of money in the bank.
