U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Closed Thread Start New Thread
 
Old 09-08-2010, 07:40 PM
 
Location: DFW - Coppell / Las Colinas
29,974 posts, read 34,587,203 times
Reputation: 35977

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by superk View Post
Have any single guys out there ever successfully managed to adopt a child?
I would bet they have if you don't mind an older child. I'd suspect they would do a pretty good background check.

My oldest son went through Boy Scouts and eventually became an Eagle Scout. One of the best leaders and biggest influences in his life was a married guy who never had kids named Henry. Henry was a true man, he was a cowboy who could cook on a campfire, ride a horse and shoot a gun. He took the boys camping in the mountains and was very active. Henry changed the lives of several low income fatherless kids.

My son has backpacked most of the world, camping in places like Scotland and Australia with the skills Henry taught him. Henry does not know the influence he had on those kids but I have a feeling those kids gave Henry as much as he gave them.

Most people have posted what you need to do for yourself. Go adopt or just take on helping a bunch of boys become men.

 
Old 09-08-2010, 09:31 PM
mwv
 
207 posts, read 583,188 times
Reputation: 189
Quote:
Originally Posted by superk View Post
For the guys over 40 who are single (either never married, divorced, seperated, or widowed), what do you do to stay focused on your life? Assuming that you work full-time and aren't wealthy, what do you do to stay active, or busy? Do you find yourself dwelling on your life, and your future, a lot? Do you find yourself obsessing about not having someone to share your life with, to do things with, or just to interact with? Does being completely or mostly celibate bother you physically and/or emotionally?

I'm becoming afraid of falling into the trap of being a hermit. It's not enjoyable to do everything alone all of the time. It really sucks the enjoyment out of activities when there's no one else around to share them with.
There are some generalizations to be made being "male and over 40" but my take on what you've written (and NOT written) tells me you should either get into a relationship or you should move directly into a large metro area where you can be single and active.

You live in the far suburbs outside of medium sized conservative city. That is likely a bad place to be if you are decidedly single. Where you live basically everyone is married with kids, I'm quite sure.

If you lived in NYC or even downtown Atlanta you'd be around lots of single women all the time.
 
Old 09-08-2010, 09:33 PM
 
1,635 posts, read 1,583,264 times
Reputation: 2597
Quote:
Originally Posted by superk View Post
For the guys over 40 who are single (either never married, divorced, seperated, or widowed), what do you do to stay focused on your life? Assuming that you work full-time and aren't wealthy, what do you do to stay active, or busy? Do you find yourself dwelling on your life, and your future, a lot? Do you find yourself obsessing about not having someone to share your life with, to do things with, or just to interact with? Does being completely or mostly celibate bother you physically and/or emotionally?

I'm becoming afraid of falling into the trap of being a hermit. It's not enjoyable to do everything alone all of the time. It really sucks the enjoyment out of activities when there's no one else around to share them with.

Well for me after 2 divorces, then a 10 year relationship that ended due to ovarian cancer, and then a crazy 2 year stent with a foriegn lady. The last year of solitude has been a god send.............Some woman will eventually latch their claws into you............Most single guys that never have been married have a mental barrier to relationships, and need a good therapist..................There is also the priest hood, they are always taking in new priest in the Catholic Church
 
Old 09-09-2010, 01:30 PM
 
Location: NW Indiana
39,400 posts, read 14,453,113 times
Reputation: 99545
Quote:
Originally Posted by superk View Post
Have any single guys out there ever sucessfully managed to adopt a child?
There's at least one! One of my matches on an online dating service is in his mid-40s, has never married, and has adopted two children. He loves being a dad and is very devoted to his kids.
 
Old 09-09-2010, 01:49 PM
 
Location: Raleigh, NC
3,406 posts, read 9,000,207 times
Reputation: 2014
Guys, I get the point about dating and whatnot. I know that there are plenty of single women around. But I don't think that that's where I want to focus my energy. I'm 47 now, and I'm not realistically expecting there to ever be someone else in my life. It makes me sad to see other couples and families doing things together, living together, being together. I don't want to start obsessing about what I may be missing. The option of having my own family is pretty much out of reach at this point. I've been destroyed financially and emotionally and I'm not sure I will ever be able to recover. Yes, I was married for 19 years, and we've been seperated for two, and hopefully soon the divorce will be final. Antlered Chamataka, I know that I screwed up this marriage, which I regret and which is why I don't think I want to ever do it again. As she got sicker and sicker, and continues to do so, I had to make a decision about whether or not I was going to let her continue to take me down with her, or to cut my losses and get out while I could. Deep down, knowing that she's always known the ultimate outcome of her condition, I don't think that she would've wanted me to have to live like this, not at all. I know her mom, sister, and step-sister don't, and I know they understand and support my decision, whether it ends up being the right one or not.

I was just wondering of there were other avenues that I hadn't considered, but I think you guys covered pretty much anything I'd already thought about.
 
Old 09-09-2010, 05:10 PM
 
55 posts, read 80,946 times
Reputation: 50
This also applies to women over 40 still available. Some have such busy active lives that hardly notice they are single; others, dedicate every single moment trying to find someone to 'complete' them.
I think that life is too short not to be happy with what you "got" - if you are single, enjoy, live, travel, read, whatever you are able to afford to find fullfilment within yourself, everything else is icing on the cake, the cherry on top of the sundae. Needless to say, sometimes you do miss having that someone special to share the good and the bad of life, but if it doesn't happen, life goes on and youth is not eternal
 
Old 12-31-2013, 09:36 AM
 
18 posts, read 16,782 times
Reputation: 27
To break up the boredom, you need to find somewhere you can interact with new people, and specifically people you normally wouldn't normally interact with. If you aren't well travelled, find places you can interact with people from other cultures. If you are a fan of rock music, seek out Country-western venues or jazz clubs. The point is to intentionally widen your exposure to new things. Maybe you'll enjoy it, maybe not - but talk to the people there and learn why they do.

It's very difficult when you are single to be comfortable around people, so don't expect to be - just do it anyway. Where members of your target dating pool are concerned, force yourself to view them as unavailable, whether they are or not. This will allow you to be yourself around them more so than if you think of them as potential dates or mates; (remember, they are ALSO people, just like the rest of us). That doesn't mean you have to ignore advances, just that you won't feel pressured to look or act a certain way, and any advances made toward you will be wonderful surprises!

The advantages:

1. You'll meet a lot of new people with perspectives you haven't experienced before.

2. You'll experience new things; some you may find you'll enjoy, and being single makes it entirely your choice to spend more time doing these things or not, and the ones you don't enjoy? Well, at least you'll be able to base your opinion on first hand knowledge - i.e. "How do you know you don't like it if you've never tried it" won't be a valid argument anymore.

3. Your spare time can be filled with going places, meeting people, and coming up with lists of things to try. Make a list, take an item from it and plan it out (place, time, date, etc.) - it's kind of like turning your weekends into miniature vacations.

No one will lift you off the couch to do these things, you have to take the initiative - and it might seem intimidating, but it beats the hell out of boredom and depression. Also, you'll mostly be around complete strangers, so if anything you do, say, or wear etc. manages to embarrass you, so what? You never have to see these people again if you don't want to, and next weekend is a new adventure!

If you do it right, this can be waaaaay cheaper than dating, much less stressful, and still more likely to expose you to potential mates when you are at your most attractive - which is while you are having fun. Hope it helps, and good luck!
 
Old 12-31-2013, 09:56 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
3,620 posts, read 3,891,082 times
Reputation: 4182
Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane View Post
Staying focused has actually been easy thanks to the current recession. It's forced a lot of us to focus on the short-term and not waste a lot of time dreaming about the future or dwelling on the past. During the week, it's especially easy to stay occupied since most of my day is structured for me. Walking the dog, going to work, working out, etc. The weekend is more open. Get your errands done and then you get the rest of it to enjoy. It's during those moments that I might reflect on life more, wishing there were someone to enjoy it with, etc. But if you're wanting to find others to do things with, look into meetup. They have groups for a lot of things, whether it's people to go biking with, singles, etc.
This is how I've done it. My situation is different. I was suddenly divorced at 40 with no kids. It was devastating, as I never imagined that would happen. Thought I'd have a family. Now I'm 45, and it was a rough 5 years. The recession made me think about regrets more and I fell into a deep depression. I didn't work for 2 years. I feel like I was in prison from 40-44. Now its better, but I've missed out on family. I had to move for a new job and start over. I'm dating a wonderful woman who has a 3 year old, so I have a glimmer of hope, but not the way I expected my life to turn out, thats for sure. Do I want a kid in my late 40's? Thats a tough question to answer. Anyway, meetup groups are a great suggestion and just continue to work on becoming a better man. Thats what I did these last 5 years, and am getting closer to having what I want now.
 
Old 01-03-2014, 04:09 AM
 
Location: The Valley of the Sun
1,481 posts, read 2,167,233 times
Reputation: 1528
Quote:
Originally Posted by superk View Post
I'm becoming afraid of falling into the trap of being a hermit. It's not enjoyable to do everything alone all of the time. It really sucks the enjoyment out of activities when there's no one else around to share them with.
The key is to have lots of hobbies and close friends that you can count on.
 
Old 02-14-2017, 03:06 PM
 
1,085 posts, read 436,527 times
Reputation: 2152
My level of focus is such that I make a point of having neither the time nor inclination to be anything but single. After years in the wilderness listening to all the wrong people and trying to please everyone but myself, I'm finally in a place where I have total control over my life. That's a massive power trip and I won't give it up for anybody.

Last year I pushed a big ol' reset button and moved house so I could be close to the campus where I hope to spend four years studying. By 2020 I'll be well on my way to becoming Dr Scribbles and the first expert in the academic field I plan to pioneer. I hope that will lead to journal articles, conferences and career opportunities all over the world, and I'm going to take them. I like the idea of not knowing where I'll be from one year to the next and it's important I do all this globetrotting by myself. A partner would only get in the way and complicate things unnecessarily.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Closed Thread


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top