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Old 09-07-2010, 11:09 AM
 
Location: Raleigh, NC
3,406 posts, read 8,990,415 times
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For the guys over 40 who are single (either never married, divorced, seperated, or widowed), what do you do to stay focused on your life? Assuming that you work full-time and aren't wealthy, what do you do to stay active, or busy? Do you find yourself dwelling on your life, and your future, a lot? Do you find yourself obsessing about not having someone to share your life with, to do things with, or just to interact with? Does being completely or mostly celibate bother you physically and/or emotionally?

I'm becoming afraid of falling into the trap of being a hermit. It's not enjoyable to do everything alone all of the time. It really sucks the enjoyment out of activities when there's no one else around to share them with.

 
Old 09-07-2010, 12:43 PM
 
951 posts, read 1,562,852 times
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Find things that interest you. This will keep you in touch with people. Single people actually have an advantage in this area, especially as they get older.

Money need not be the focus of your existence, as it is for many married men. No need to out spend the neighbors to impress them and keep a spouse happy. This doesn't mean that you're going to be a slob. It just becomes easier to set priorities without the pressure. I put all my plans to spend significant money on a to do list and am in no hurry. Later, I often ask myself, "why?" and then stroke it off. Married men seldom have that luxury!
 
Old 09-07-2010, 01:03 PM
 
8,468 posts, read 13,224,396 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by superk View Post
For the guys over 40 who are single (either never married, divorced, seperated, or widowed), what do you do to stay focused on your life? Assuming that you work full-time and aren't wealthy, what do you do to stay active, or busy? Do you find yourself dwelling on your life, and your future, a lot? Do you find yourself obsessing about not having someone to share your life with, to do things with, or just to interact with? Does being completely or mostly celibate bother you physically and/or emotionally?

I'm becoming afraid of falling into the trap of being a hermit. It's not enjoyable to do everything alone all of the time. It really sucks the enjoyment out of activities when there's no one else around to share them with.
Well even though I'm still a few years shy of 40, I thought I'd answer. Staying focused has actually been easy thanks to the current recession. It's forced a lot of us to focus on the short-term and not waste a lot of time dreaming about the future or dwelling on the past. During the week, it's especially easy to stay occupied since most of my day is structured for me. Walking the dog, going to work, working out, etc. The weekend is more open. Get your errands done and then you get the rest of it to enjoy. It's during those moments that I might reflect on life more, wishing there were someone to enjoy it with, etc. While I can understand not wanting to be a hermit, you have to enjoy your own company before you can enjoy anyone else's. And as far as being celibate, the sad thing it's pretty easy to meet girls who just want a no-strings FWB type relationship. Of course, if you're looking for more than that, it gets a lot tougher. But if you're wanting to find others to do things with, look into meetup. They have groups for a lot of things, whether it's people to go biking with, singles, etc.
 
Old 09-07-2010, 01:31 PM
 
1,561 posts, read 1,851,552 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by superk View Post
For the guys over 40 who are single (either never married, divorced, seperated, or widowed), what do you do to stay focused on your life? Assuming that you work full-time and aren't wealthy, what do you do to stay active, or busy? Do you find yourself dwelling on your life, and your future, a lot? Do you find yourself obsessing about not having someone to share your life with, to do things with, or just to interact with? Does being completely or mostly celibate bother you physically and/or emotionally?

I'm becoming afraid of falling into the trap of being a hermit. It's not enjoyable to do everything alone all of the time. It really sucks the enjoyment out of activities when there's no one else around to share them with.
If you have a full time job that will at least use up part of your day. Finding things to keep yourself occupied the rest is no easy task. Unless you have rather extensive hobbies, or wanting to learn something new, the mere humdrum of existence gets old. Too much dwelling on life and future can lead to depression. You need to find things to occupy your attention.

Luckily the Internet can be one such thing. With Forums and knowledge lookups plus shopping abilities the Internet provides quite the distraction. You can start your own Forum if you have a niche area that others are interested in and pass some time keeping it going. It even allows some socializing that helps coping with being alone.

By the time you reach middle age and are still single, the questions of obsessing of being so, have mostly dwindled away. Though physiological changes at about age 50 will reduce your sexual drive it probably will still be there. It does reduce the problems of being celibate mentally since the desire is not so paramount of importance.

Falling into the trap of being a hermit is not necessarily bad. It would depend on your need for human interaction. Some folks are simply unable to be by themselves. They fill the spaces with destructive behaviors like substance abuse or acting bitter. I think a better approach is to find areas where you can be helpful to others. Whether that is giving of your skills or knowledge, or just a helping hand. In the process you will gain some people interaction.

Activities done by yourself, like going out to dinner, will not get any easier with the years. Chances are you will not bother but than again you probably are a great scratch self taught chef. As well as carpenter, mechanic, electrician, heavy equipment operator, computer tech, gun smith, pilot, plumber, horticulturist, and a ton of other things. Single older guys usually are.
 
Old 09-07-2010, 01:58 PM
 
48,893 posts, read 39,381,014 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by superk View Post
For the guys over 40 who are single (either never married, divorced, seperated, or widowed), what do you do to stay focused on your life? Assuming that you work full-time and aren't wealthy, what do you do to stay active, or busy? Do you find yourself dwelling on your life, and your future, a lot? Do you find yourself obsessing about not having someone to share your life with, to do things with, or just to interact with? Does being completely or mostly celibate bother you physically and/or emotionally?

I'm becoming afraid of falling into the trap of being a hermit. It's not enjoyable to do everything alone all of the time. It really sucks the enjoyment out of activities when there's no one else around to share them with.
If you are having these thoughts and emotions you should consider dating.
(Speaking from personal experience.)

By my late 40's I will be empty nested, I think with that much spare time I would have to think about social groups and group hobbies...which I do a bit of right now.
 
Old 09-07-2010, 02:42 PM
 
583 posts, read 739,516 times
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Does it really make people that uncomfortable for men to talk about their fears, insecurities and doubts about the future?

One of the advantages women have over men is that they can feel free to discuss such issues and they know they will be taken seriously. If a woman had made this same post, it's likely she would have gotten many thoughful and serious responses from both women and men. It would be nice if both sexes had the freedom to let their emotional guard down.

I really believe it hampers men greatly to not have this freedom, especially as they get older. Old age is scary for most of us but men are still usually expected to be the "tough guys" and not show any doubts or insecurities at all. To some, it makes them appear "weak" and "unconfident" and this is not acceptable. So people joke and tease or even criticize the men who do not conform to stereotype.

I'm sure there will be many who will tell me to "lighten up" but I wanted to get this off my chest. Men, don't let stereotypes define you. Do what you have to do and need to do to find your good place in life.

Last edited by yankeegirl313; 09-09-2010 at 05:21 PM..
 
Old 09-07-2010, 02:45 PM
 
Location: 112 Ocean Avenue
5,706 posts, read 7,891,229 times
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Whenever I become unfocused my ex comes into focus and then I become very focused again.
 
Old 09-07-2010, 02:57 PM
 
8,468 posts, read 13,224,396 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mandavaran View Post
Does it really make people that uncomfortable for men to talk about their fears, insecurities and doubts about the future?

One of the advantages women have over men is that they can feel free to discuss such issues and they know they will be taken seriously. If a woman had made this same post, it's likely she would have gotten many thoughful and serious responses from both women and men. It would be nice if both sexes had the freedom to let their emotional guard down.

I really believe it hampers men greatly to not have this freedom, especially as they get older. Old age is scary for most of us but men are still usually expected to be the "tough guys" and not show any doubts or insecurities at all. To some, it makes them appear "weak" and "unconfident" and this is not acceptable. So people joke and tease or even criticize the men who do not conform to stereotype.
I agree and think it's pretty sad. Guys are often told not to express their feelings or discuss their insecurities. To do so would be too "feminine" and unmanly, or so we're told. I'm sure you'll find a poster who'll say that men should stop listening to the feminists and act like "real men." I remember reading a story about a guy who, after being married for 30+ years, got divorced. His kids were grown and had lives of their own. Now in his 60s and single for the first time in over 30 years, he had no idea what to do with himself. He eventually killed himself. Who knows what the full story was. But maybe he was one of these men who thought you shouldn't discuss your fears, that you should just "man up" and pretend like you're fine.
 
Old 09-07-2010, 03:02 PM
 
12,579 posts, read 12,799,267 times
Reputation: 8855
Quote:
Originally Posted by superk View Post
For the guys over 40 who are single (either never married, divorced, seperated, or widowed), what do you do to stay focused on your life? Assuming that you work full-time and aren't wealthy, what do you do to stay active, or busy? Do you find yourself dwelling on your life, and your future, a lot? Do you find yourself obsessing about not having someone to share your life with, to do things with, or just to interact with? Does being completely or mostly celibate bother you physically and/or emotionally?

I'm becoming afraid of falling into the trap of being a hermit. It's not enjoyable to do everything alone all of the time. It really sucks the enjoyment out of activities when there's no one else around to share them with.
I usually use a couple of techniques:
a) I remind myself that life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you might get. If that does't work then.......
b) I click my heels together 3 times while repeating the phrase "There's no place like home."
 
Old 09-07-2010, 03:27 PM
 
12,120 posts, read 27,530,749 times
Reputation: 3752
Default I'm 48, straight, never married, no kids

I work a Sunday-Thursday schedule, on my off days it's a lot of internet and biking which i started 2 years ago and should have started years before that. My job is super demanding and stressful, i am feeling the pinch of a salary cut, rising rent, i make enough just to support myself, and the idea of marriage and the rat race and white picket fences/keeping up with the Joneses mentality continues to irk me and it has since my mid 20's

Sorry for the bitterness, just have to be honest

my self esteem in terms of finding a partner has always been poor. I don't feel like i have anything to offer anyone because i don't make a lot of $$, live in a studio apt (in a nice nabe however), drive an 18 year old car (in good condition) and i just feel emasculated in social situations and withdraw socially
I need to be making more $$$ and am now pondering ways to do that and get out of this rut I'm in, that is my current focus
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