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Old 07-14-2007, 03:39 PM
 
Location: Where the real happy cows reside!
4,281 posts, read 9,277,556 times
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I'm pretty sure that most of us know at least one toxic person in their life. How do you deal with these people especially if they are family? I've tried physically and mentally removing myself, but it's getting harder and harder.

I've always been a "glass is half full" type of person, but here lately being around such negativity is making me feel so aggravated and down.

I know you can change yourself but it is basically impossible to change someone else, especially if they are toxic.

If anyone has any great words of wisdom or advice I'd love to hear it! My upbeat is being beaten down
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Old 07-14-2007, 04:57 PM
 
1,463 posts, read 5,541,530 times
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Some people have a misery about them and they don't want to experience that by themselves. They want you to hold onto it with them like its luggage. Here's the thing: YOU don't have too!!!!!! I would sit them down and tell them and if it din't work or change I would stay the hell away. People who enjoy each other spend time with each other......
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Old 07-14-2007, 05:31 PM
 
Location: Anchorage, Alaska (most of the time)
1,222 posts, read 3,286,120 times
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Hm, yes, I have PLENTY of expperience in this field...My family is a bit...dysfunctional, to say the least.
My aunt and her son is incredibly toxic, and they seem to wake up in the morning with the soul goal to make you as miserable as possible. Almost to the point of suicide. I even think they would hand me the knife if I just asked them...

My best way to handle them is to pretend I don't understand what they are saying. They may think of me as stupid, but that's what I do whenever someone is being rude or mean.
Because if you pretend not to understand, and they really want to make a "point", then they have to "spit it out" - oftentimes they don't want that, since that takes away the "edge" of their "point". Or, they say something that you can answer back to and that way "win" or "fight back".

Toxic people, I wish there were less of them, but they seem to be everywhere...
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Old 07-14-2007, 05:39 PM
 
Location: NJ/SC
4,286 posts, read 13,113,982 times
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I've had another thread on here about dumping a friend. That's exactly why I stopped being friends with her, too negative all the time. We were friends for twenty years, so it was hard but I won't allow that negativity in my life again.

How to deal with it? I guess talk to the person if you can, more then likely they won't change but I guess it's worth a shot. If they still bring you down, eliminate them from your life.
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Old 07-14-2007, 05:46 PM
 
Location: Debary, Florida
2,267 posts, read 2,375,648 times
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I have had someone in my life who has become toxic and has crossed into territory that there is NO coming back from. That person is no longer a part of my life.

I am a single Mother, trying to work part time, go to school to become a nurse AND take good care of my daughter. I personally don't have what it takes to have people like this in my life.

She is gone...done. I am hoping she will not try and contact me. If she does of course then I will have to do something to stop her, like changing my phone number and so forth but I think she knows she went over the line and knows better.

I am not a vindictive person by nature but once someone has done something to hurt my daughter...the gloves are off.
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Old 07-14-2007, 05:52 PM
 
Location: California
11,425 posts, read 16,659,834 times
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I work with a guy who is horrible to talk to, everything is negitive and all he wants to do is argue, I wonder why he doesn't just kill himself and get it over.
I just refuse to play his game so I don't talk to him unless I have no choice and then it's always about work and short and to the point. Maybe it's just a game to him and he's not like that at home but I doubt it.
My suggestion is to avoid them, let them know your not playing their game and if they want to talk to you they must be civil.
I love the act stuid idea and I bet it works good, I'm going to try it (I wont have to try very hard).
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Old 07-14-2007, 07:51 PM
 
Location: Camano Island, WA
1,911 posts, read 8,099,896 times
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I have a friend who is very negative. Every time we speak on the phone it's always griping about his job, his boss, his mom, his grandpa...who are both going through their own personal hell, and he is the only son.
They rely on him for helping out with the grandfather, but I really think...no, I know, he hates it.
I hear it in his voice. I guess what he doesn't understand is there will come a time his grandfather and mother will no longer be here.

The other thing he does is obsess over an ex-GF that totally screwed him over and had many control issues with him...and totally needed to grow up...but has not... even at the age of 33 ...but he still "loves" her after breaking up over a year ago. So I hear endlessly about how much he misses her even though ALL of his friends along with myself have told him she was no good.

So getting back to the toxic part...yep, it has sadly come to the point where I do not call him and avoid his calls.
Odd thing about all this is he knows that I am avoiding him and he has found a way around that...we both have Myspace pages and I receive blog, after blog, after blog of his whining, complaining, whoa is me attitude....that block button is looking more tempting.
I've tried talking to him dozens of times and everything said falls on deaf ears...that's when you know the negative has started to wear off on you and
I think it's to the point he feels better if others around him are feeling negative too.

I say avoid toxic people for your own health.
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Old 07-14-2007, 10:17 PM
 
Location: Not tied down... maybe later! *rawr*
2,689 posts, read 6,075,185 times
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Sometimes, it has to come down to a point of saying, I have to disengage myself from this person, in order to have the type of life I want. Not an easy thing to do and that's probably why it takes so long to get to that point.

I've had few toxic people in my life, but I'm also not the type of person who makes friends with many people and it might be just for that reason. Seen/ heard too many people get hurt. But when I did have toxic people, when I finally got the guts up to confront them... it was really difficult yet, down the road, has made me very happy!

I always remember something I overheard someone else say, and it helps to repeat it to yourself: "I can't make other people's problems mine."

Best of luck. I really hope you start feeling upbeat again!
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Old 07-14-2007, 10:25 PM
 
Location: Earth
3,798 posts, read 6,026,546 times
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If it's a newer friend I just get busy all the sudden and can't seem to find anytime to hang out with them. If it's an older friend...I limit my time.

The hardest ones are family or co-workers because you are pretty much linked to them. Since my mom moved out of the country it's been much easier to hold a boundary with her Unfortunately sometimes no contact is the only way, at least in the beginning anyway.
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Old 07-14-2007, 10:40 PM
 
Location: In exile, plotting my coup
2,408 posts, read 13,149,758 times
Reputation: 1784
If the direct approach isn't your style, minimize your time with the person, and be as polite but curt as possible. Don't show extreme interest in them or their lives. If they question your newfound attitude, that will give you an opening to come clean and basically tell them that their attitude is driving you crazy. Unfortunately, a lot of toxic people are too self-absorbed to even notice though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rapture View Post
How to deal with it? I guess talk to the person if you can, more then likely they won't change but I guess it's worth a shot. If they still bring you down, eliminate them from your life.
I like this choice of wording, only because when I hear "eliminate", it makes me think of two people eating lunch together, when suddenly the one friend has had enough of the toxic friend, pulls out a laser and says "I'm sorry, but I have to eliminate you from my life", shoots the toxic friend and they suddenly disappear, like some sort of video game.

Eh, whaddya want? It's late at night and my mind is strange to begin with.

Bye bye toxic sludge!

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