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Old 01-12-2011, 10:14 PM
 
1,090 posts, read 1,519,578 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Veyron View Post
Me and my wife broke up. We haven't divorced yet. We got married only after 1 year of knowing each other. Our marriage lasted 2 months because she cheated on me during my relationship and she has 0 respect for me.

She wanted to leave me but I end up relocating with her. During that time she wouldn't leave me alone. I wanted nothing to do with her. But she kept pursueing and I gave in like a wimp.

After escalating arguements and time being wasted we both called it quits. Well me more so. For some reason she felt the need to call me having sex with other guys after I left. She made me look like a fool by having her friends listen on our conversation and make up false things about me. I'm really not sure what the motive was but she had the audacity to beg me back after I changed my number. When I changed my number she requested that we get a divorce. I couldnt even breathe but I agreed and said ok. She told me I should pay for it and that its unfair for us to remain marry without any contact. I thought it was b.s. and said we should go half and she said she's unwilling. After that she asked me to come back to her again but she was still spreading rumors, lies and making me look like a fool over the internet.

Finally I said enough is enough. We can't be friends and deaded it. I then gave in and found out its possible for us to get an annulment with her cooperation. She refused and that was the last time I contacted her or the last time we spoke.

After all she has put me through. I still love her for some twisted reason. I keep replaying memories we shared together. Don't get me wrong this has not stop me from living my life. I'm moving forward. I'm in a technical school studying hard to be the best getting ready for college. I read in my spare time. Write music. Hangout with my friends whenever their available. I date whenever I can. I workout. I really try but I can't get her off my mind. I try and try.

I think about the bad things she did. How many times she lied but then I think about all the bad things I did and the good things she did. All those times I ignored her calls and ignored her.

It's been 3 months since me and her have last talk and its been 8 months since we have separated. Why do I think about her. I need to get over her. What are some tricks I can use on myself to move on completely. We are still married and she refuses to get a divorce. I need her to divorce me.

I begged her to tell me that "she doesn't love me anymore." for closure. She won't even give me that. I asked her if she can cooperate with the divorce she blocked me. I can deal better with straight up rejection then things left in the air. All she did was tell me that she still loves me. I need help.

She played me for a fool. Why do I care about her still. I need her to divorce me and tell me its over. It's like some sort of grip.
I want it to be over but I need her to let it go so I can let it go. I don't even know.
I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. Sometimes, it's hard to "stop" loving someone. But it gets much much easier when you stop expecting that love to manifest itself as a relationship.

also. I try to think of myself as being in some people's lives. Not as them being in mine. I have cared for people who have manipulated or hurt me in the past. I no longer initiate contact with them or reach out to them. But if they were ever in trouble or need my help, I'm more than happy to help.

Maybe you can reach that state. Or find some other reasonable medium. I can't comment on this much since I haven't been through anything like this.... So sorry. Hope you take good care of yourself.
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Old 01-12-2011, 10:17 PM
 
1,090 posts, read 1,519,578 times
Reputation: 811
Quote:
Originally Posted by WyoNewk View Post
^^^^^ Nailed.


You don't love this woman. You couldn't.

You love what you thought you had.
You might love what you did have for a VERY SHORT WHILE.
You love the idea of love and marriage.

The woman you described is not someone you love.


I went through the same thing, although my wife was nothing like yours. But after 5-6 years of marriage she started changing in a bad way. I stuck with her for 26 years!!!!!!!!! All that time I kept telling myself that I loved her. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks: I loved who she was when we were first married, but not who she'd turned into.

When I realized that I immediately filed for divorce. That was 20 years ago, and I've never regretted it.
I don't know... don't people always change as they go through life? Unless a person's physically or emotionally abusive or otherwise detrimental.... I don't see how a person can ever stay exactly the same as they once were before/early in the marriage.
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Old 01-12-2011, 10:30 PM
 
Location: In my ponytail dreams
727 posts, read 401,803 times
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I still love people who I thought they was... It is most important you know they was something else... After that you can keep good memories and continue your life.
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Old 01-12-2011, 10:40 PM
 
13,496 posts, read 13,971,597 times
Reputation: 11119
Quote:
Originally Posted by Veyron View Post
How do I look forward. . I'm getting my life together. Thats the problem. When my situation was jacked thats all I could think about. But now that my situation is alot better I'm still having a very difficult time. Will finding someone else help it??? She I put more effort into dating???
like quitting any habit you need to fill your time with something different. this is the time to get into sport, or pick up a new hobby you have always wanted to try. do not allow your mind to wallow in the old relationship. do not enable yourself to feel self pity. yes go out on some dates. this time next year you will be so much happier and mentally healthier if you let yourself move on. don't look back or second guess. what has happened is for the best. good luck
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Old 01-12-2011, 10:46 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,366,635 times
Reputation: 8956
Get a white index card. On it write all of the horrible things she did you can fit on it. Carry it in your wallet. Every time you start to get "love sick," take the card out and read it. And put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it hard when you think of her. You need a reality check. You were in love with an idea, not the real person.
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Old 01-12-2011, 10:53 PM
 
2,632 posts, read 5,687,695 times
Reputation: 1393
Quote:
Originally Posted by hothulamaui View Post
like quitting any habit you need to fill your time with something different. this is the time to get into sport, or pick up a new hobby you have always wanted to try. do not allow your mind to wallow in the old relationship. do not enable yourself to feel self pity. yes go out on some dates. this time next year you will be so much happier and mentally healthier if you let yourself move on. don't look back or second guess. what has happened is for the best. good luck
thanks
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Old 01-12-2011, 10:58 PM
 
2,632 posts, read 5,687,695 times
Reputation: 1393
Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
Get a white index card. On it write all of the horrible things she did you can fit on it. Carry it in your wallet. Every time you start to get "love sick," take the card out and read it. And put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it hard when you think of her. You need a reality check. You were in love with an idea, not the real person.

Yeah I'm starting to wake up.
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Old 01-12-2011, 11:01 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,164 posts, read 16,515,249 times
Reputation: 13349
Quote:
Originally Posted by sydney1987 View Post
I don't know... don't people always change as they go through life? Unless a person's physically or emotionally abusive or otherwise detrimental.... I don't see how a person can ever stay exactly the same as they once were before/early in the marriage.
Of course. We all change. My current wife has changed, but I love who she's become even more than who she was. My late wife changed a great deal in the few years we were married, but I loved the changes. My first wife, however, changed to someone I would not and could not love.

When I was contemplating a divorce from my first wife I asked myself, "Would I love this woman if I'd just met her but knew exactly who/what she was?" My answer was a resounding NO.

Most (successfully) married people change in ways that make them even more desirable to their spouses. It's natural that we do. We pick up each others mannerisms, habits, likes and dislikes. We blend. The changes are usually good.

But I really think the OP's wife didn't change as much as her real personality finally came out. He loves who he thought she was, but I don't think she was showing her real self. We often do that -- cover up our flaws and accentuate our positives. Or in some cases just out-and-and mislead someone into thinking we're different than what we really are... until after the marriage ceremony and we're "hooked".

I don't know both sides of the story, but from his description she does NOT sound like a keeper. I'm guessing they're both too young and immature for marriage.... But that's beside the point.
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Old 01-12-2011, 11:03 PM
 
Location: Great Plains
25,584 posts, read 30,500,844 times
Reputation: 22713
Quote:
Originally Posted by WyoNewk View Post
^^^^^ Nailed.


You don't love this woman. You couldn't.

You love what you thought you had.
You might love what you did have for a VERY SHORT WHILE.
You love the idea of love and marriage.

The woman you described is not someone you love.


I went through the same thing, although my wife was nothing like yours. But after 5-6 years of marriage she started changing in a bad way. I stuck with her for 26 years!!!!!!!!! All that time I kept telling myself that I loved her. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks: I loved who she was when we were first married, but not who she'd turned into.

When I realized that I immediately filed for divorce. That was 20 years ago, and I've never regretted it.
Been there done that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sydney1987 View Post
I don't know... don't people always change as they go through life? Unless a person's physically or emotionally abusive or otherwise detrimental.... I don't see how a person can ever stay exactly the same as they once were before/early in the marriage.
People change but traits like Wyo described are deep within some people. Yes people change. To say they grow apart is a cop out **** poor excuse.

Like what the OP and other are living is something that the normal changes people go through doesn't typify.
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Old 01-12-2011, 11:15 PM
 
2,632 posts, read 5,687,695 times
Reputation: 1393
Quote:
Originally Posted by WyoNewk View Post
Of course. We all change. My current wife has changed, but I love who she's become even more than who she was. My late wife changed a great deal in the few years we were married, but I loved the changes. My first wife, however, changed to someone I would not and could not love.

When I was contemplating a divorce from my first wife I asked myself, "Would I love this woman if I'd just met her but knew exactly who/what she was?" My answer was a resounding NO.

Most (successfully) married people change in ways that make them even more desirable to their spouses. It's natural that we do. We pick up each others mannerisms, habits, likes and dislikes. We blend. The changes are usually good.

But I really think the OP's wife didn't change as much as her real personality finally came out. He loves who he thought she was, but I don't think she was showing her real self. We often do that -- cover up our flaws and accentuate our positives. Or in some cases just out-and-and mislead someone into thinking we're different than what we really are... until after the marriage ceremony and we're "hooked".

I don't know both sides of the story, but from his description she does NOT sound like a keeper. I'm guessing they're both too young and immature for marriage.... But that's beside the point.
We got married at 21.
I was faithful and loyal but I found out she cheated in our relationship.
She did lie to me multiple times over the course of our relationship.
I did ignore her alot. There where times when she begged me to make love to her but I didn't want too. I really did not show my love for her at all. I actually only told her I loved her once or twice in our relationship before I found out she cheated on me.
When she said told me she loved me I didn't say anything back.
She bought me a car which I took. I also betrayed her for cheating on me. I abandoned her and picked fights with her everyday and every moment.

I would ignore her completely...and then she flirt with guys right in front of me. I told her once that I did not love her because she cheated on me. She tried to chock me. She tried to get rid of my cell phone so I wouldn't have communication with my family thats when she started to put her hands on me.


I'm glad we didn't get each other's names tattooed on each other which was her idea. She said she wanted extra security that I wouldn't go anywhere. Now that I'm reflecting she was very sick and she drove me insane.

The sickening part is that she has the sweetest smile and comes off extremely charming. She's very crafty. She lies all the time. I really think she is a sociopath. She lied to all her friends and said we got divorced but were still married.
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