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Old 01-13-2011, 12:18 AM
 
Location: Canada
5,486 posts, read 6,199,998 times
Reputation: 7873

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Veyron View Post
Me and my wife broke up. We haven't divorced yet. We got married only after 1 year of knowing each other. Our marriage lasted 2 months because she cheated on me during my relationship and she has 0 respect for me.

She wanted to leave me but I end up relocating with her. During that time she wouldn't leave me alone. I wanted nothing to do with her. But she kept pursueing and I gave in like a wimp.

After escalating arguements and time being wasted we both called it quits. Well me more so. For some reason she felt the need to call me having sex with other guys after I left. She made me look like a fool by having her friends listen on our conversation and make up false things about me. I'm really not sure what the motive was but she had the audacity to beg me back after I changed my number. When I changed my number she requested that we get a divorce. I couldnt even breathe but I agreed and said ok. She told me I should pay for it and that its unfair for us to remain marry without any contact. I thought it was b.s. and said we should go half and she said she's unwilling. After that she asked me to come back to her again but she was still spreading rumors, lies and making me look like a fool over the internet.

Finally I said enough is enough. We can't be friends and deaded it. I then gave in and found out its possible for us to get an annulment with her cooperation. She refused and that was the last time I contacted her or the last time we spoke.

After all she has put me through. I still love her for some twisted reason. I keep replaying memories we shared together. Don't get me wrong this has not stop me from living my life. I'm moving forward. I'm in a technical school studying hard to be the best getting ready for college. I read in my spare time. Write music. Hangout with my friends whenever their available. I date whenever I can. I workout. I really try but I can't get her off my mind. I try and try.

I think about the bad things she did. How many times she lied but then I think about all the bad things I did and the good things she did. All those times I ignored her calls and ignored her.

It's been 3 months since me and her have last talk and its been 8 months since we have separated. Why do I think about her. I need to get over her. What are some tricks I can use on myself to move on completely. We are still married and she refuses to get a divorce. I need her to divorce me.

I begged her to tell me that "she doesn't love me anymore." for closure. She won't even give me that. I asked her if she can cooperate with the divorce she blocked me. I can deal better with straight up rejection then things left in the air. All she did was tell me that she still loves me. I need help.

She played me for a fool. Why do I care about her still. I need her to divorce me and tell me its over. It's like some sort of grip.
I want it to be over but I need her to let it go so I can let it go. I don't even know.
IMO, it is when we are treated most unfairly that we have the hardest time letting go. I think that is your problem. That you married her in good faith, and a reasonable person expects good faith in return. Your mind keeps replaying the marriage, trying to resolve how it is that one can treat another person decently and get nothing but indecent, cruel behaviour in return.

Normal people look for reasons behind the behaviour of others and when you can't come up with anything reasonable, your mind gets stuck on that track, and it becomes like a song that runs through your head and you can't get rid of it.

Keeping busy and going on with your life are good things you are doing. Professional counselling is also not a bad idea to get you out of these intrusive thoughts.

Recognizing that there is nothing you could have done that would have made any difference, and deliberately redirecting your thoughts when you find them straying to her, is something you can do on a minute by minute basis.

And I don't know why you need her to divorce you. The only true closure is what you give yourself. To a certain degree, unless one is planning on remarrying soon, a certificate of divorce means no more than a certificate of marriage.

A marriage certificate only exists to confirm in the eyes of the state a pre-existing relationship. An official decree of divorce is the same; it isn't a piece of paper that ends the marriage. It is only an official piece of paper confirming what has already happened - the dissolution of a marriage.
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Old 01-13-2011, 01:21 AM
 
2,632 posts, read 5,697,014 times
Reputation: 1393
Quote:
Originally Posted by netwit View Post
IMO, it is when we are treated most unfairly that we have the hardest time letting go. I think that is your problem. That you married her in good faith, and a reasonable person expects good faith in return. Your mind keeps replaying the marriage, trying to resolve how it is that one can treat another person decently and get nothing but indecent, cruel behaviour in return.

Normal people look for reasons behind the behaviour of others and when you can't come up with anything reasonable, your mind gets stuck on that track, and it becomes like a song that runs through your head and you can't get rid of it.

Keeping busy and going on with your life are good things you are doing. Professional counselling is also not a bad idea to get you out of these intrusive thoughts.

Recognizing that there is nothing you could have done that would have made any difference, and deliberately redirecting your thoughts when you find them straying to her, is something you can do on a minute by minute basis.

And I don't know why you need her to divorce you. The only true closure is what you give yourself. To a certain degree, unless one is planning on remarrying soon, a certificate of divorce means no more than a certificate of marriage.

A marriage certificate only exists to confirm in the eyes of the state a pre-existing relationship. An official decree of divorce is the same; it isn't a piece of paper that ends the marriage. It is only an official piece of paper confirming what has already happened - the dissolution of a marriage.
Yeah I'm more motivated then ever. Part of it is that she is now happy and she benefitted off my our situation. So I geuss I'm just mad that I wasted my time. I think people are right I don't love her but it hurts to get played like that. My life is not where it should be so I get into a depressive state of self defeating thoughts. She is one of those self defeating thoughts.
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Old 01-13-2011, 01:36 AM
 
3,573 posts, read 5,460,058 times
Reputation: 3415
Sometimes we never get that closure that we so desperately want when a relationship ends. She sounds like she is a cruel and uncaring person. Just be lucky that you didn't waste any more time with her or have children with her.

I think counselling would be good for you so that you can get over her. Sometimes when we finally have reality hit us in the face, we think of the good times and are fearful of the future. You're just holding onto the past with her but you need to let go and move on. Good luck!
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Old 01-13-2011, 02:13 AM
 
Location: Tampa (by way of Omaha)
13,756 posts, read 18,420,342 times
Reputation: 8941
Bang someone hotter. That'll solve this problem.
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Old 01-13-2011, 02:19 AM
 
Location: California
29,633 posts, read 31,965,462 times
Reputation: 24762
It's a twisted situation because what you are feeling isn't really love, it's more of an obsessive fantasy. I think we have all been there to some degree and only later look back and wonder what the hell we were thinking. Maybe talking to someone professional will help you break the mental bondage you are in. I think you are on the right track.
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Old 01-13-2011, 02:24 AM
 
Location: state of procrastination
3,487 posts, read 6,135,111 times
Reputation: 2883
File your divorce papers, have her served (or post it in a local newspaper), and within a certain number of months (depending on state) your marriage will be over without you having to contact her whatsoever.

As for being still in love.... why? Is she that hot? Did you really enjoy all the lies and cheating? Do you really think you won't get another girl like her? Wow. Please get a grip and drown yourself in the pleasures of another woman. Or if you are the vindictive type, I'd spend tons of time smearing her name and letting people know what kind of a person she is.

She never loved you, but she sure loved controlling you and keeping you on a short leash.
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Old 01-13-2011, 08:21 AM
 
2,632 posts, read 5,697,014 times
Reputation: 1393
Quote:
Originally Posted by miyu View Post
File your divorce papers, have her served (or post it in a local newspaper), and within a certain number of months (depending on state) your marriage will be over without you having to contact her whatsoever.

As for being still in love.... why? Is she that hot? Did you really enjoy all the lies and cheating? Do you really think you won't get another girl like her? Wow. Please get a grip and drown yourself in the pleasures of another woman. Or if you are the vindictive type, I'd spend tons of time smearing her name and letting people know what kind of a person she is.

She never loved you, but she sure loved controlling you and keeping you on a short leash.
yeah...

Your right?

But to go as far as tattoeing my name on herself and her name on each other. She must be sick.
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Old 01-13-2011, 09:07 AM
 
1,561 posts, read 1,853,884 times
Reputation: 2127
Having read through your posts on this, Veyron, I have only this advice. Grow a spine!

My gosh you are acting like a professional victim to this domineering manipulative temporary wife. You not only should not want "closure" from her, you should have told her to (insert as many really nasty mean words) and die. Wheres you justified wrath? This does not mean that you physically assault her, it just means that you are acting stupid and wussy.

Step up and and dominate your life. If you do not, you will simply seek another woman to replace the role of of a dominator. You should not only be over this gal you should thank whatever Deity or Athestic non-belief figure of your choice, that you need not deal with her crap anymore.

Once you realize you are in control of your emotions than you will no longer play the role of toady or sycophant. Take charge!
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Old 01-13-2011, 11:13 AM
 
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
3,089 posts, read 6,639,976 times
Reputation: 7143
You're right but I can't go through with the divorce.

OK, then why are you here? Everyone here has told you to divorce this worthless woman, but you "can't." Then perhaps don't come to an Internet forum and waste everyone's time soliciting heartfelt advice. You're playing victim. Very unattractive quality and if you want another woman in the future, I suggest you ammend this behavior ASAP. There are few things as unappealing to a woman as a man who plays victim.
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Old 01-13-2011, 11:21 AM
 
1,135 posts, read 1,772,139 times
Reputation: 1562
OP, regardless of the messes you have both made of the situation, there is Nothing that says you "have to stop loving someone" but then again you don't always have to DO something about it. You feel what you feel and I think you have enough other emotional battles to contend with. However, you have to know when it's time to move on and abandon a toxic environment. Any failed relationship presents an opportunity to learn more about yourself and is a launching pad for the next one.

(oh and I still love my ex even though we have been divorced for 8 years, but I just chose to love me more)
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