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Old 01-26-2011, 04:11 PM
 
199 posts, read 262,742 times
Reputation: 135
Default How to help a friend with extremely low self esteem?

Sorry if its a long read.

One of my friends shes 19 and has very low self esteem. The thing about it is that she isn't ugly but she thinks shes hideous. She is always at the gym keeps herself in shape and everything. Ever since college we split so I am not able to physically help her since she lives too far, but we do talk to each other often. She has never been asked out but I tell her its not because of how she looks but rather what she does or doesn't do. She can't read not even the most obvious signs of when a guy flirts with her, either that or she takes things that are not even intended to be as flirting in a flirting way. There have been like 2 guys she is interested in who have tried to pursue her but she pushes them off because her actions makes guys think shes not interested. I have told her she has to flirt and show interest but her self esteem makes her think that the guy doesn't like her so she is scared to get rejected.

I have tried giving her the most advice I can but shes either too scared to take the advice or she thinks my advice is stupid. Socially shes normal but when it comes to flirting shes worse than a 5 year old kid. Her self esteem is also a huge problem. Any suggestions?
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Old 01-26-2011, 04:29 PM
 
1,206 posts, read 1,358,687 times
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female self esteem is a difficult thing to build. Maybe one of those female empowerment groups may be of help. Any female oriented orgs. may help her build some confidence. I guess you can also try to compliment her more often but it needs to be from more people so perhaps socializing more often she'll realize people dont think shes ugly.
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Old 01-26-2011, 04:30 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
44,326 posts, read 54,810,346 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ItWasWritten View Post
Sorry if its a long read.

One of my friends shes 19 and has very low self esteem. The thing about it is that she isn't ugly but she thinks shes hideous. She is always at the gym keeps herself in shape and everything. Ever since college we split so I am not able to physically help her since she lives too far, but we do talk to each other often. She has never been asked out but I tell her its not because of how she looks but rather what she does or doesn't do. She can't read not even the most obvious signs of when a guy flirts with her, either that or she takes things that are not even intended to be as flirting in a flirting way. There have been like 2 guys she is interested in who have tried to pursue her but she pushes them off because her actions makes guys think shes not interested. I have told her she has to flirt and show interest but her self esteem makes her think that the guy doesn't like her so she is scared to get rejected.

I have tried giving her the most advice I can but shes either too scared to take the advice or she thinks my advice is stupid. Socially shes normal but when it comes to flirting shes worse than a 5 year old kid. Her self esteem is also a huge problem. Any suggestions?

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do until she is ready to do something for herself.

You've already given her your best advice and she won't listen, though you could try pointing out to her that since what she is doing on her own is obviously not working she could at least give your advice a try

Also, suggest to her that she seek out a mentor of some sort - a more experienced woman who can guide her a bit in her life.
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Old 01-26-2011, 04:33 PM
 
3,573 posts, read 3,261,879 times
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She's got to work on herself. No matter what anyone says or does to try to boost her self esteem, it's all on her. She can read self help and affirmation books. Maybe go to therapy to see if there's some other issues on why her self esteem is so low. But there's nothing you can do.
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Old 01-26-2011, 04:35 PM
 
Location: Alaska
5,154 posts, read 9,058,343 times
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Try practicing flirting over the phone with her. Skype would also work. While both are not the perfect medium, the practice and examples might help her.
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Old 01-26-2011, 07:30 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
7,545 posts, read 8,497,976 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by akck View Post
Try practicing flirting over the phone with her. Skype would also work. While both are not the perfect medium, the practice and examples might help her.
Whew, I can see that one backfiring. Maybe point her to some youtube vids?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do until she is ready to do something for herself.

You've already given her your best advice and she won't listen, though you could try pointing out to her that since what she is doing on her own is obviously not working she could at least give your advice a try

Also, suggest to her that she seek out a mentor of some sort - a more experienced woman who can guide her a bit in her life.
I agree with this. I had a friend like this once and there wasn't a thing I could do for her b/c it was like playing a great game of ping-pong. She'd throw something out about her thunder thighs and I'd point out that she was thin and had a great figure and she'd argue back and I got tired of building her up so she could tear it down and she got addicted to hearing about how great she was but never believed any of it--or pretended not to anyway. It took a lot of my energy and the friendship didn't last. Trouble is, she was very intelligent and we could have had some great conversations about books, which we shared an interest in, but she just wanted to talk about how horrible she looked. She never got dates either, though she was very pretty.
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Old 01-26-2011, 08:34 PM
 
90 posts, read 149,489 times
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She is not picking up on social cues. When someone's flirting, she doesn't think so, but when she believes they are flirting (and they're not) she finds some reason to chase them. Young men who are attracted to a 19 year old woman typically give so many 'interest' cues, it's overkill. There are greater things going on with this woman than can be discussed with her, because at this point, as has been stated, she's not listening. There are too many unanswered questions that she needs to provide responses, but she's not even on CD.

Put her on here, we'll help her.
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Old 01-26-2011, 09:07 PM
 
1,092 posts, read 837,930 times
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help has to come from within.

she has to want to change and agree with any advice she receives before she can even be able to follow it.
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Old 01-26-2011, 11:58 PM
 
25,170 posts, read 33,520,431 times
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I prefer Louise Hay. Her audio-books are probably the best in the business.
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Old 01-27-2011, 02:44 AM
 
346 posts, read 459,541 times
Reputation: 167
Honestly... it sounds like she was abused in some way as a child. She should probably get some therapy if that is the case.
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