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Old 03-05-2011, 10:31 AM
 
3,293 posts, read 4,957,390 times
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Thanks to those of you who took the time to read my original post and offered helpful suggestions. And to those of you who didn't and jumped to conclusions about me- thanks for nothing. This woman's behavior is seriously affecting her relationships with several people. I am far from being a drama queen, as one poster suggested. I simply want to get a better grasp of why she can't see that her aggressive "helping" is getting in the way of friendships she appears to value. I am 60 years old and I have known some pushy, people-pleasing and insecure people in my life, but this woman is over the top. My post last night was made after talking with a mutual friend (whose birthday in the example it actually was, not mine) and she has cut off communication with this woman over it and other incidents.
I'm exiting this thread now.
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Old 03-05-2011, 12:00 PM
 
3,735 posts, read 3,831,268 times
Reputation: 4249
She's a control freak, in addition to being insecure.
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Old 03-05-2011, 08:42 PM
 
12,509 posts, read 14,648,792 times
Reputation: 14302
Quote:
Originally Posted by sayulita View Post
Geez. Read my original post. I am not the one who is a "people pleaser". She has a problem going overboard. She is a decent and nice woman and I don't want to hurt her feelings, but she goes way too far to please when it is not welcome or appropriate. There is something wrong her and I need help identifying it.
There's really no need to label and catagorize this womans actions...She seems to me to be very insecure, does she have many friends?? You should just have her in for tea, and let her know that you would rather get to know her, instead of getting to know what she can do for you...tell her you appreciate it, but as a show of respect to you, you would rather she didn't....just come for tea occasionally, for company...THAT's ALL!!!!
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Old 03-05-2011, 08:52 PM
 
3,573 posts, read 5,471,715 times
Reputation: 3416
Quote:
Originally Posted by sayulita View Post
Geez. Read my original post. I am not the one who is a "people pleaser". She has a problem going overboard. She is a decent and nice woman and I don't want to hurt her feelings, but she goes way too far to please when it is not welcome or appropriate. There is something wrong her and I need help identifying it.
Why label her? Why do you have to have a diagnosis of her behavior? Maybe when she grew up, parties were suppose to mean love and how much you love that person. Who knows why she's doing that? But I believe you should stop being friends with her.

What are you going to do if you find some "label" to put on her? Tell all your friends and her friends? What, what is the reason for you doing this?
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Old 03-05-2011, 08:57 PM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
34,850 posts, read 43,004,040 times
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This is not a pleaser. This is a controller.
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Old 03-05-2011, 09:35 PM
 
90 posts, read 277,521 times
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There really doesn't have to be a label to get on with your life. I've read each entry, and while there is nothing formally to diagnose her with (people pleaser and aggressive/controlling) friendship still remains a two-way street. I would suggest you part company through omission (I forgot to call you, I don't have the time to visit with you, I was not up to talking right now). If she is 60 and likely has done this all her life, do you think you could stop her now? That would be the greater arrogance and indignity. There is likely a small group who appreciates her. You are not one of them inasmuch as her behavior effects you. Leave her be and let her go. Professionals diagnose and treat or refer. You want to treat or refer without being a professional. That's not being a friend. You can't meet her on her terms. Let this one pass. Life and friends don't have to be this complicated.
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Old 03-05-2011, 10:03 PM
 
Location: Northern NH
4,551 posts, read 9,897,404 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marie1249 View Post
She's a control freak, in addition to being insecure.
I find it funny that somebody wants to take you out for your birthday has now become a "control freak"
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Old 03-05-2011, 10:21 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,415,420 times
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What's really interesting and pathological in my estimation, is the OP is triangulating. This did not even happen to her (the birthday thing). It happened to her friend, and SHE (the OP) is taking it on as her problem and getting in the middle of the issue with her friend.
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Old 03-05-2011, 10:23 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,415,420 times
Reputation: 8956
Yeah, it's so freaking controlling when someone wants to take you out for your birthday. OMG. How TERRIBLE! The person should be locked up in a mental hospital. With "friends" like these, who needs enemies? I feel sorry for the poor nice woman who was trying to do something loving and good.
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Old 03-06-2011, 01:47 PM
 
3,735 posts, read 3,831,268 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sayulita View Post
You have a significant birthday coming up and she wants to know what you are going to do to celebrate it. You demure and say it's no big deal (and you mean it). She insists that something be done and presents several options. All of which you decline. She won't let it go and keeps pressing for some sort of party/gathering to mark the occasion. No amount of dissent from you deters her and she continues to aggressively pursue planning an event. Long story short, she, frustrated by all attempts to force you to "celebrate", marks the occasion with inappropriately timed party, cake, flowers, balloons etc. And never understands your dismay at her attempts to help you "celebrate".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aptor hours View Post
I find it funny that somebody wants to take you out for your birthday has now become a "control freak"
You don't see how the behavior that sayulita describes is controlling?

To vehemently insist on celebrating the birthday on her own terms, even after the birthday girl made it abundantly clear that she didn't want a party, was insensitive. If she really cared to please her, the party planner could have organized something the other would've agreed to. She showed no sensitivity whatsoever to the desires of the birthday girl; she totally discounted her feelings.

This is an unfortunate situation, as the party planner probably was well intentioned. However, she should have deferred to the wishes of the one whose birthday it was. Not to do this is controlling behavior.
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