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Old 03-06-2011, 02:10 PM
 
8 posts, read 14,302 times
Reputation: 14

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Have an issue I have been dealing with for a while now and would like others thoughts on it. Have been married for 5+ years and live a few miles from my wifes parents. We have been to counseling a few times about a lack of boundaries with her parents, they call all the time (5+ times a day), have a history of being cold to me, and instruct her how to live our life together. Wife has even been to counseling with her mother and it was clarified the relationship was unhealthy and there were not boundaries that needed to be put in place. Things improved for a while and after telling my wife that her parents could either treat me civilly or not be welcomed into our house they did start to treat me as if I were at least visible. We recently purchased a house which I knew would be a trigger for the obsessive calling between my wife and her parents and the sharing of every detail of our private life. I can tell that she is making decisions with her parents about our new home and I feel like an outsider. My wife has sworn that she is maintaining proper boundaries with her parents but when I looked at the calls going back and forth between them I have my doubts. They cannot get through a day without an average of 5 calls back and forth. Just not sure what to do at this point. Our marriage is essentially perfect aside from his issue with her parents. Thoughts?
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Old 03-06-2011, 02:23 PM
 
77 posts, read 128,128 times
Reputation: 162
Why couldn't you recognize this trait of hers before marriage?
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Old 03-06-2011, 02:42 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,227 posts, read 21,981,509 times
Reputation: 23996
Tell her to let go of the apron strings, and grow up!
If she still don`t listen...tell her that maybe she needs to go back an live in their basement!
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Old 03-06-2011, 02:45 PM
 
Location: Wildside of Oahu
1,412 posts, read 2,675,646 times
Reputation: 2433
I'm not sure you can do anything about it. She owns that relationship and all the crap that goes with it. If you hadn't already bought the house, I would suggest widening the physical space between your families.

Maybe the only thing that you can do is work on strengthening the bond between you and your wife. The closer you two are, the less room there is for anyone else in the relationship. Start by suprising her by taking her out to dinner or a weekend away. If you two fill up your time with fun things to do with each other, maybe she would turn so much to her parents to fill her time or emotional buckets.
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Old 03-06-2011, 02:51 PM
 
3,573 posts, read 5,452,947 times
Reputation: 3415
I'm not quite sure why you didn't realize this would be a problem before you married her or why this wasn't discussed in full before you married her. You should have set down rules for each of you and agreed to it. BUT since that was not the case, I would sit down with your wife and tell her that she needs to see it from your point of view and not make you the outsider. Also remind her that when you two married, it was between both of you not her parents. Let her know that maybe she needs to move back home with parents if she needs them that much in her life. Maybe that will get her to thinking of what she needs to do.
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Old 03-06-2011, 03:02 PM
 
8 posts, read 14,302 times
Reputation: 14
Well I didn't realize the extent of the unhealthy relationship until after we had been married and had two children. They are secretive about their relationship because I think they know that it is unhealthy. When my wife quit working before our second child was born was when the problem presented itself. We have a 3 year old and one year old and to this day do not have a babysitter, I think my wife is worried her parents will be mad if they are not the ones chosen to sit. I work full time so I think the suggestion of being so close with my wife that she doesn't have time for her parents isn't realistic or a healthy solution. I feel I have been clear of my expectations and rather than creating healthy boundaries with her parents my wife is just keeping the unhealthy relationship a secret. I notice thay call all the time but only when they know I'm not home. They never will talk on the phone when I am around which tells me they are talking about stuff that I would have an issue with.
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Old 03-06-2011, 03:04 PM
 
4,101 posts, read 5,896,100 times
Reputation: 5637
DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS! You have put up with this for 5 years, but the day will come when enough is enough and you will leave. Make sure she has a full time job, or you will be paying alimony. Buying a house is a dumb idea until you get things worked out or can handle her parents interference in your life. It is probably never going to end, she is never going to change because you want her to. I can't understand what you were thinking when you married her.
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Old 03-06-2011, 03:06 PM
 
8 posts, read 14,302 times
Reputation: 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nite Ryder View Post
DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS! You have put up with this for 5 years, but the day will come when enough is enough and you will leave. Make sure she has a full time job, or you will be paying alimony. Buying a house is a dumb idea until you get things worked out or can handle her parents interference in your life. It is probably never going to end, she is never going to change because you want her to. I can't understand what you were thinking when you married her.

As I said earlier our marriage is perfect aside from this problem. Had I known this unhealthy relationship was happening I would have addressed it before we got married.
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Old 03-06-2011, 03:10 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,366,635 times
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What kinds of things do you imagine they are talking about that you would "have an issue with?"
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Old 03-06-2011, 03:11 PM
 
Location: NC
1,696 posts, read 3,844,713 times
Reputation: 1852
i wish i had some advice for you, but really, I dont see much you can do.

If your wife is so dependent on her mother for this level of emotional support, I don't see this marriage lasting much longer. And sadly, its in HER hands, not yours. You have the option of dealing with it and being in misery until the end of time or moving on.

Perhaps couples counseling may help the situation, but i get the feeling it won't.
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