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Old 04-19-2011, 11:29 AM
 
8,468 posts, read 13,226,782 times
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I came across an interesting article that talks about how people are perceived, how they think others perceive them, and how certain traits make people more liked than others.

Interpersonal Attraction

One of the reasons I wanted to post this is because of how it relates to the issue of confidence. We've been told over and over that women find confidence to be the most attractive quality in a man. And men know this, which is why a lot of them will try to project it.

The most interesting and perhaps surprising thing about the Back and colleagues study is the finding that extroverts are virtually indistinguishable from self-centered individuals at first sight. Both extroverts and self-centered people displayed self-assured body movements, friendly facial expressions, and made original self-introductions.

Extroverts are seen as having confidence while introverts are seen as lacking it. I won't get into the inaccuracy of that statement. The point is that's how both types are perceived. So if someone who's an extrovert is seen as having confidence, but the traits that suggest confidence also belong to someone who's self-centered, then perhaps that explains why so many women end up with guys who turn out to be jerks.
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Old 04-19-2011, 11:51 AM
 
629 posts, read 1,060,354 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane View Post
I came across an interesting article that talks about how people are perceived, how they think others perceive them, and how certain traits make people more liked than others.

Interpersonal Attraction

One of the reasons I wanted to post this is because of how it relates to the issue of confidence. We've been told over and over that women find confidence to be the most attractive quality in a man. And men know this, which is why a lot of them will try to project it.

The most interesting and perhaps surprising thing about the Back and colleagues study is the finding that extroverts are virtually indistinguishable from self-centered individuals at first sight. Both extroverts and self-centered people displayed self-assured body movements, friendly facial expressions, and made original self-introductions.

Extroverts are seen as having confidence while introverts are seen as lacking it. I won't get into the inaccuracy of that statement. The point is that's how both types are perceived. So if someone who's an extrovert is seen as having confidence, but the traits that suggest confidence also belong to someone who's self-centered, then perhaps that explains why so many women end up with guys who turn out to be jerks.
This may be true but try and convince a woman that she's only dating a jerk because she mistook him for a confident extrovert and see how much of it sinks in.
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Old 04-19-2011, 11:54 AM
 
Location: Woodinville
3,185 posts, read 3,870,026 times
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Interesting read. There was a comment left by a user that said it always comes back to looks. I couldn't agree more. Most extroverts are physically attractive because their looks reap social rewards. Very good looking people cross the line from extroversion to narcissism because they know that they have superior looks to others and flaunt them. People fall for the narcissist because they are physically attractive, and their personality for better or worse is a direct result. Once the narcissist's pursuer gets to the point of not fawning over the narcissist's looks, they realize that they had been overlooking all their personality flaws in favor of their six pack. These people didn't "turn out" to be jerks, they always were jerks and the pursuer over looked it because they were too busy thinking without their brain.

As always there are plenty of exceptions, but I'm thinking this is true more often than not. I doubt many would admit it though. Giving the shy/less attractive person a chance takes an extreme degree of emotional maturity and many times it pays off.
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Old 04-19-2011, 12:10 PM
 
2,726 posts, read 4,364,853 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane View Post
I came across an interesting article that talks about how people are perceived, how they think others perceive them, and how certain traits make people more liked than others.

Interpersonal Attraction

One of the reasons I wanted to post this is because of how it relates to the issue of confidence. We've been told over and over that women find confidence to be the most attractive quality in a man. And men know this, which is why a lot of them will try to project it.

The most interesting and perhaps surprising thing about the Back and colleagues study is the finding that extroverts are virtually indistinguishable from self-centered individuals at first sight. Both extroverts and self-centered people displayed self-assured body movements, friendly facial expressions, and made original self-introductions.

Extroverts are seen as having confidence while introverts are seen as lacking it. I won't get into the inaccuracy of that statement. The point is that's how both types are perceived. So if someone who's an extrovert is seen as having confidence, but the traits that suggest confidence also belong to someone who's self-centered, then perhaps that explains why so many women end up with guys who turn out to be jerks.
A corporate lawyer in New York, with an incredible list of credentials once told me that she can join a group of people she didn't know and become the center of attention. She credited this to her confidence and couldn't understand why her daughter was so reserved. However, later she admitted to not having friends, something she was proud of because she didn't care about "drama.". My perception of her was that she was an opportunist.

What I think is important is that there is a difference between my definition of confidence and hers. The other thing that is important is that just because one person thinks another is self-centered, it doesn't mean you won't find a person who disagrees. This goes into the topic of good man vs. nice man. A good man is not perceived by all people as good or "nice." Some individuals don't deserve this goodness. This is why I don't gossip about other women. One woman will come to me and say, "she is such a witch." The first thought that comes to mind is that she has a reason to be a "witch" to you. Most of the time, the witch was not behaving like a witch, she just didn't allow the other woman to manipulate her.
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Old 04-19-2011, 12:30 PM
 
2,179 posts, read 2,812,842 times
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When someone insists on being the center of attention, I have my suspicions. Conversely, I think it's healthy to reach out to people; if that's what you are truly doing. Many times people reach out only in order to get. It can take a minute to tell one from another; this may be why extroverts are more popular at parties. If you want to understand someone, (and granted this is difficult in the early stages), try to figure out what they want, in the long and the short term. Once you do, they become transparent..

I actually think that as far as chronic extroverts possessing self-esteem, the exact opposite may be true. What they want, sometimes, is to feed a needy ego, The quiet person, the observer, may not feel that they have anything to prove. Now if you're introverted to the point that it immobilizes you, that you can't step up to the plate when you should, I can see how that would also be a symptom of deeper issues.

I may be oversimplifying, but I really think most social ills would be resolved if people could truly get outside themselves; actually try to understand how a situation effects someone else. We all want, right? This must be deep in our DNA. But ironic it is that when you give, sincerely give to the right person, you will surely get.
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Old 04-19-2011, 01:38 PM
 
8,468 posts, read 13,226,782 times
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People derive confidence from a lot of things. It could be their looks, their occupation, their ability to make people laugh, or something else entirely. They feel good about themselves and, as long as it doesn't come off as arrogance, people find them attractive. But the line between confidence and arrogance can get a little blurry sometimes. I think people who are used to being liked can get a little too used to it, to the point where they expect it and even take it for granted. I'm sure a lot of celebs fall into this category. They have people telling them how great they are, how beautiful they look, etc. and they become desensitized to it. It's only when the attention stops that they run to the plastic surgeon asking to be made beautiful again.

As the article points out, it's not easy to immediately distinguish between someone who's self-assured and someone who's self-centered. What's also true is that many extroverts aren't interested in others except for the attention they can provide. I've run into such people a number. They talk and talk and talk, but they have no real interest in what anyone else to say. They just want you to listen. Of course, now they can use things like Facebook and Twitter to feel important.
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Old 04-19-2011, 02:21 PM
 
2,726 posts, read 4,364,853 times
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I once read that if you need more confidence, as in running to your plastic surgeon, getting degrees, etc. you don't have it. If you have it, you don't need it.
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Old 04-19-2011, 02:22 PM
 
Location: Anchorage, Ak
1,413 posts, read 2,614,953 times
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Some of the most selfish and manipulative people I've known could be VERY charming, extremely charming.

It's not a man/woman thing IMO. I've known men who fell for the charm... hell I've been the man who fell for the charm.

Also, in my opinion, "selfish" people tend to make things happen, they act on what they want. Selfishness isn't bad in and of itself, a lot of good things come from it. And honestly, sometimes it takes manipulation to make important things happen. Now when you're the one being manipulated... not fun at all lol.

Honestly assessing people, getting to know them, is a challenge. What seems like a strength is also a weakness. Nice but passive. Pro-active but kind of selfish. I think the important part is that the two people, regardless of their personalities, are a team and work together... us against the world if you will. Once one person starts to pursue their own "good" at the expense of the other, it's doomed to fail.
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Old 04-19-2011, 07:41 PM
 
12,429 posts, read 14,559,489 times
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I think the article is telling us nothing most of us don't already know.Perception is truly a personal thing....just like beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
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Old 04-19-2011, 07:48 PM
 
23,916 posts, read 31,137,585 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane View Post
People derive confidence from a lot of things. It could be their looks, their occupation, their ability to make people laugh, or something else entirely. They feel good about themselves and, as long as it doesn't come off as arrogance, people find them attractive. But the line between confidence and arrogance can get a little blurry sometimes.
Speaking for myself, I disagree. I find arrogance to be a very unappetizing character trait. Arrogant people are simply unpleasant to be around. I don't like them. I have no such issues with those that exhibit confidence, in fact, as you stated, I find THAT to be very appealing - two very different things to me.
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